TL;DR: My close gay friend said that he thought/thinks I'm trans or androgyne and I haven't realized it yet and now because of this I'm soul searching a bit and looking to talk to others. Hi there. So, first of all... I had joined this forum board quite some time ago but I decided against ever making a post because I sort of had a "I don't belong here" and other thoughts, but that's beside the point and not the main focus of the topic. But onto the topic at point. I have a good friend of many years (who happens to be extremely gay and is a fabulous help and supporter. He was the one who helped me figure out that I'm pretty sure I'm asexual), and here recently we were going back and forth about some things. Basically he was running a draft of a letter by me that he was going to present to his crush (As I don't think he's out to many people), and so I thought that a good time to bring up something that's been eating me for a few months. You see, I'm a born female and I've always, always acted more like the "traditional" male than a female. By going down a list here... 1. Always had male friends and felt like "one of the guys", never feeling like I connected to any females in my class (Maybe they felt the same way because they always avoided me!) 2. Always play the male character in video games (Where I feel it's especially strange is when I play a game like an RPG that says "this character represents you, who are you?" and I pick the male without a second thought) 3. Already (safely) bind my chest because I experience an extreme amount of discomfort and dislike about not only that part of me but generally just any female shape or curve about me (I already love to wear layers and layers of baggy (male) clothes! It's my favorite style coupled with a nice oversized hoodie. This effortlessly adds to the whole "masculine" appearance. However, I do wear a bit of makeup in the form of eyeliner, though not because I want to feel "pretty". Rather, just seeing me with it and all of my clothing choices just makes it feel like "me" in the mirror. You know what I mean?) 4. I have actually been mistaken for a boy MANY times before I ever even started deciding to do things such as the binding (though I've always shopped in the men's section). And the thing is while it was always corrected (usually this was when I was out to eat with friends or family members who would automatically correct the waiter/waitress who winds up quite flustered after it) I honestly don't know if I would have bothered to correct it if it was by myself. I feel fine about it. And the list goes on, but I'll get back to the topic at hand. I've been grappling with that "am I trans" question for those last few months and so with the topic of LGBT right at hand with this friend I ask him if I come off as masculine to him (NOTE: Even he mistook me for a male the first time we met. Apparently I naturally carry myself like a male or something). Long story short, not a resounding "yes", but rather a "you AT LEAST come off as absolutely gender neutral/androgyne to me, leaning more towards male. You remember I thought you were a guy" and so he went on. Basically following this conversation I started looking a little deeper, because at this point I had NEVER considered that I could be trans, instead thinking I was just an extremely huge tomboy. I basically had this reaction of "I was expecting you to say you consider me a girl and you sound like you already thought I was otherwise" and then a reaction of "wait, is he serious? COULD I be trans or androgyne? Would that explain all of my feelings?" and so here I am, mostly here to discuss some stuff and maybe do a little soul searching after hearing from some other people.
Hi! Welcome! With respect to your gay friend, it isn't up to him to decide what you are. Second, its pretty common in the LGB community for men to identify more with female things and women, and women to identify more with male things and men. It might be biological, but there's always been a bit of take and share with the gay, trans, and drag/cross dressing communities. Trans issues seem to be more "trendy" today, but we're still a very small minority within a minority. I will get heat for this, but I've seen a lot more self-described trans men later decide they aren't trans. Female-bodied folk have a lot more freedom to "mess around" with sexuality, expression, and like, but at the same time, suffer from invisibility and being taken seriously. Gender isn't about your friends, who you get mistaken for, or video game characters. It's about what you feel like inside. Will you feel more authentic living as a man? Remember that there is more to you than being male or female. If you've never considered it, you might not be. Some folk come out later in life, but will admit to there being "signs" before. Your friend seems to have a very binary view of gender (all women should be feminine; all men should be masculine, and if you're not, you're trans). It's not true. There are plenty of butch, tomboy, etc. females on the site who can vouch for this.
I agree with what gravechild said above, although I will say that #3 on the list is probably the strongest evidence here that you could be trans. Acting masculine does not make you trans though, lots of women carry themselves in a more masculine way or get mistaken for men on occasion. Do you feel discomfort with being female, or do you just like appearing androgynous?
To add onto what gravechild said, gender isn't really a feeling - people just say that to simplify things. I would start by asking yourself if your primary sex characteristics match up with the ones you internally think you're supposed to have. Then try to find the label second.
Well... yeah... what you describe does sound like some sort of non-binary... There are plenty of people like that. Now, in my book, so in my understanding, which I'm obviously laying out, the non-binary umbrella encompasses various degrees of each gender and lack thereof. So you say you act like a typical male, so you are a masculine person. Imho, it doesn't really matter if you "are trans" or not, it matters that you find a way of expressing yourself that is true to you That feels true and right. For many people just asking this very question means that theybare not cis. Now, being not cis can mean being anywhere on the gender spectrum(s). I think also a good question to ask yourself to understand yourself better is how masculine you are, how feminine (those two are separate and being half-half in proportion, can mean both someone who is very masculine and very feminine at the same time or someone who's neutral in both aspects), and how you feel about transitioning in any way, physical, social... Really, this is a big issue that needs to be split into smaller pieces. There is no such a single thing as trans. You either fit The Binary the way you were assigned or not. And if not, you need to find yourself.
