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thought i was bisexual but think i am straight, what to do

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by marquis, Dec 9, 2017.

  1. marquis

    Regular Member

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    So i came out years ago as gay when I was at college. I have fantasies about men but they seem to center around kink, rather than sex. I discovered at college that I also had sexual feelings toward women that I was ignoring. I did not want to come out as bisexual though so I tried to have sex with men and it frequently did not work and I was not able to stay hard.

    I eventually got into a relationship with a man, and for two years we were able to have sex because we interspersed kink with sex. I was only able to have sex with him though when i was dissociated and fantasizing, sometimes about women, sometimes about kinky situations with men or men and women. I broke up with this man fairly recently because he was abusive and narcissistic. And i realized that I simply can't have sex with men. It simply does not seem to work, and lately I have been around some women who I find myself attracted to, and I would like to date some women and see if it worked out better.

    I know many if not most women will not date bisexual men or men who have been with guys, so I have toyed with the idea of not telling anyone about my history. I hate the idea of deception, and I know it is not ethical, but it saddens me that I will have to desexualize myself for almost all women just because of a bad decision I made for a few years. I do not have any diseases and I get myself tested regularly. I know I cannot go back to guys, and if I did it would feel false as if i was faking. I do not consider myself to be like bisexual men in the sense that I would not want to leave women for a man. I know many women and people would think it was horrible what I am considering doing, but I just cannot give myself a death sentence in the dating world, especially when going back to men would give me no pleasure. In addition, I am terrified of being with someone who will treat me as badly as my last relationship did, and I'm worried that if i came out as bi, I would have to settle for someone who would treat me just as badly. I just don't want to have to wait years to meet a woman who won't treat me like a leper. I am not especially handsome so I cannot convince a woman to upend her preconcieved notions. I just want to love and be loved. Is an omission that would hurt nobody really such a bad thing? Am I so abhorrent and disgusting that I have to put a warning label on myself like I have Ebola? Does one aspect of my past have to define me until the day that I die? Any advice on what to do would be appreciated, because I feel so hopeless right now about my future and filled with regret at what I did
     
  2. Lia444

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    As a women, if a guy said he has been with guys then that would weird me out a little. Not sure why, my own problem I guess as I’m still learning re lgbt etc. I know it’s wrong to lie but women will assume you are straight unless told otherwise but if they ask then I don’t think you can really lie. If she really likes you for you then maybe bringing up this part of your past won’t really bother her whereas if you mention it on day 1 then I can see that it might put women off which I know is not fair and it shouldn’t be like that. Not sure that is of any help. It’s good though that you’ve been tested regularly.
     
  3. Creativemind

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    I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've always thought it was shitty for straight/bi women to care about a guy's sexuality or past history with men. Although I don't date men, I also wouldn't date a bi woman who refused to date bi men and/or straight men with a past history with guys. It shows a lot about their character :/

    Unfortunately, a lot of people in your position do end up lying about their past. The only thing you really owe your partner is honesty on STI count; I doubt straight women even tell their partners about their history 100%.
     
  4. Ima Person

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    I don't think you really have a problem with girls not liking you for your past, everyone has stuff they're not exactly proud of. But don't ever think you're not good enough to get in a relationship with someone, there are many people out there that would be more than willing to date you, you just have to find someone who appreciates you for you, and you shouldn't let one bad relationship determine your relationships for the future, not everyone is an arsehole, from my experiences, the more you get to know someone on a deeper level, the more kind they are.
    If you feel like hiding your history with guys from a girl, then that's fine, just don't lie to the person, because that might only create more problems and guilt for yourself.
     
  5. Lexa

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    I think you're too pessimistic. I wouldn't mind dating a bisexual man. In fact, the boy I fell in love with during my youth was bi and it took me over a year to get over him. And I don't think that I treat my boyfriend badly :slight_smile: .

    I think you should be honest. Otherwise you will never know if the woman really loves YOU and you will never really be able to be yourself around her. That doesn't mean I think you should start a first date with "Hi, I'm bisexual". I think it's important when and how you mention it. Give the woman the chance to get to know you first and then tell her you're bi casually mentioning your past for example. I myself told my boyfriend early on in our relationship that I was in a "bisexual phase" (because I still thought I was in a phase at that point). In my case the chance of acceptance was probably higher because I am a woman but I still think being honest is the right thing to do also in your case. It's really nice you know if you can talk about for example your celebrity crushes (the female ones in my case, my bf gets jealous when talking about the male ones) with your partner (we do it all the time!) instead of noticing them and not saying anything and hoping your partner doesn't notice your interest. It's important to be accepted by your partner for who you are. Also, if you choose not to tell her and she discovers it later on she could leave you for it (for being bi and/or for hiding it) and then what?
     
  6. fadedstar

    fadedstar Guest

    As someone who's never actually been with anyone I'm worried about this happening to me in the future.. If it was me and a woman asked I would tell her. I'm a shit liar. But if they didn't ask I probably wouldn't feel the need to talk about it.

    But who knows.. maybe I'll be a kissless, dateless loser for life and won't have to worry about it.
     
    #6 fadedstar, Dec 9, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2017
  7. iwa

    iwa
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    One of the biggest traps in bisexuality is getting caught up thinking about your sexual orientation. The fix for that is to embrace the bisexual identity and recognize that your actual orientation is fluid, and this doesn't affect your identity, so that you don't have to have an identity crisis every time you go through a phase that might be focused on just one gender. You can adapt your sexual needs to your social needs just like ike chameleons change their colors based on their environment. Plenty of bisexual men live exclusively straight lifestyles and still identify as bisexual, and the reverse is true as well, I have friends who were married, had kids, and now re-married gay but still identify as bisexual.

    Embrace your bisexuality and see this as a time for you to embark on a journey with women. Just make sure you don't repress the other side, just let it be. You don't ever want to define your identity by what you don't want to be, always do it by affirming who you are, not what you don't want to be. People don't define themselves as straight because they don't want to be gay, they define themselves as straight because they love women. You just got out of an abusive relationship with men, and it's clear that you also haven't done enough exploring with the ladies. But you've had enough activity with men to count yourself as a bisexual.

    As for women being accepting of you, trust me, there are plenty of hot ladies that will have no problems with who you are. All you have to tell a partner is that you love ladies and men, and that you've been with men before. If it's a deal killer, then that woman will never make you happy, and you just move on to someone else. But trust me, there are plenty of women that will make you happy. I am happily married to a woman that embraces the LGBT community and has no issues with the fact that I have an admiration for fitness hunks. I've had sex with a man before too. I am truly sorry that the first reply you got was from a woman that affirmed your worst fears, you can safely ignore her, she's does not represent the majority.

    As for sex, I think you need to drop the Hollywood notion of sex, it's never like it is in the movies. Sometimes it's great, sometimes you need to fantasize along with it. I don't think sex alone defines someone's orientation. There's a romantic component too, who is it that you desire a long term intimate relationship with? For example, I am mostly romantically attracted to women, but I am physically attracted to both genders. What's most important though is for you to get out of your head, not worry about your orientation and focus on where your heart is pulling you. That's all that matters.
     
    yayforthelgbt, rosemarythyme and Lexa like this.