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Heterosexual friends intrinsically offer little to no help with coming out process.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by brainwashed, Dec 7, 2017.

  1. HelpLOL

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    heh sorry I had to chime in, I'm on generic prozac lol Don't knock it till you try it grin
     
  2. brainwashed

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    I like the reply. You are correct. The comment let me know where I stand with that friend. The person who made the comment has an advance degree in psychology. But they never take the time to connect with me. I've tried to connect with them, each time, she makes me feel like I'm wasting her time.
     
  3. brainwashed

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    Good point thank you. I do not have strong English skills. I was one of those kids in grade school who was snickered and ridiculed for my poor English skills. Thus you can see the "push back" in me now.
     
  4. HelpLOL

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    No worries, If I didn't have spell check I couldn't survive. I remember one time in middle school I got a zero on a spelling test... and English is my first and only language :/
     
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  5. brainwashed

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    I'd be dead without spell check either. Since I have dyslexia I swamp letters and words all the time. I remember in grade school having malaria on spelling bee day. Funny how that virus would sync with certain days.

    And high school English class, OMG. The teacher was such a witch. She'd pull up to my school desk on her broom and crow something alien, "you need to conjugate your verbs more."

    Lol, my college GPA would have been 3.5 or above (math and science subjects) if it had not been for ENGLISH class.

    I hate English!
     
  6. Creativemind

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    You know maybe "care" is the wrong word. It's not that I have no compassion, but that I just don't get it. I don't get why coming out is so important or a big deal because I've never had to do it. That was more my point, just because someone is gay doesn't mean they're more empathetic than a straight person. A straight person may never have had to hide their sexuality, but they could have had to hide a disability, illness, or even their race (if they are white passing) and knows the struggles from a different perspective.
     
  7. HelpLOL

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    This thread just made me remember something,... My bother in law came out about two years ago, i just realized i should of been more supportive. I'm kinda on the same wave length as creativemind, I didn't see it as a big deal, i'm not sure I even paused, I just said ok cool. He knows me well enough to know someone's sexuality doesn't concern me at all. And since then I'm not sure I've ever asked "how is gay life? lol " The only time I can remember it even coming up is when he said a "that's what she said joke" and i looked at him.. "are you sure SHE said it and not HE said it" we laughed and that was it. Honestly i completely forget about his sexual preference, it's just not a thing. Should I reach out at all? We get a long great. We're not close as in we don't txt or call each other but we usually end up talking a lot at family stuff and holidays. I would say we're causal friends most of the time and sometimes we're brother in laws. More of fam than just friend, but usually more like friends.
     
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  8. justaguyinsf

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    This is partly why I believe asking yourself whether someone needs to know about your sexual orientation generally makes a lot of sense. If you're bringing home your new mate for a holiday meal, for example, then you need to tell them about your relationship and thus your sexuality. There is a useful context for coming out, which will probably spark more interaction with the person you're telling. Otherwise it's not surprising that people may not have much to say in response if you come out to them just out of the blue.
     
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  9. brainwashed

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    My recommendation (is this the correct way to write it? Damn English language.) Asking is a good thing. Just be a person who wants to connect from time to time. It's such a simple thing. It lets the other person know you care.
     
  10. HelpLOL

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    Thanks for input, I asked my wife last night how he's been and she said good. I'll be sure to reach out sometime soon.
     
  11. OnTheHighway

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    A gay friend of mine was complaining to me the other day how he has recently developed feelings of intense loneliness, explaining how many of his friends are no longer close to him. He was asking me for advise on how to work through his depressed feelings. While the topic posted here is not specifically related, there are parallels to this topic with my response to him, so let me share it and see if it might resonate.

    After coming out and embracing your sexuality, you are no longer the person you previously projected yourself to be. Thus begins a journey of self reflection and identification. As we each embark to learn whom we truly are, we may very well find the bonds we perviously had with friends become less relevant, where the foundation which created those initial bonds have now disappeared. While this is being reflected in the context of coming out, keep in mind this is a natural dynamic amongst heterosexuals and homosexuals alike impacting many relationships we all have in life.

    And let’s be honest with ourselves, friendships are often based on self interest. Once the self interest is gone, maintaining a friendship is difficult.

    So, what to do?

    Be thankful for the friendships you previously had, but realize it’s now time to develop new friendships with people that have commonality with the person you truly are. Be proactive and take the time to put yourself out there to find new friends. Whether it be at work, school, or other activities such as sport leagues, social groups or charities. Get involved in activities as the person you now are and find others that can relate and find mutual satisfaction from being friends with you.

    It’s unfortunate that the friendships we previously had, and spent so much time developing, may not survive your own journey of self actualization. However, take the opportunity to develop new friendships that provide support and allow you to continue to embrace whom you are. Those friends that I have developed since I embraced my sexuality do exactly as I just suggested, and I am happy to have put the time and effort in to establish these new relationships.
     
    #31 OnTheHighway, Dec 9, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2017
  12. HelpLOL

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    After rereading everything it seems that you can boil this down to, make more friends. :slight_smile: if the current group isn't meeting your needs add to the group.
     
  13. brainwashed

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    You are correct and that has been what I have been doing for the last ~2.5 years.

    This post confirms what is written in some books. Basically old friends will drop off the friends list, new ones come on line.
    But it has been a very painful experience non the less.
     
  14. Mabel

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    I have to say that I very much, respectfully, disagree. I find my straight friends that I have talked to have been very supportive and helpful. One of them was a little overwhelmed but instead of becoming distant, she researched how to support a friend who is coming out. On the other hand I’ve found my GLBTQ a little harder to talk to. Not sure if it’s them or me. Making NEW GLBTQ friends has been the largest obstacle by far. I don’t feel the community to be very approachable, with exceptions of course. I’ve been very lonely in that sense....
     
  15. Quatscher

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    My personal take on it: if someone doesn't make a big deal out of it when I come out to them, so much the better.

    OTOH, HelpLOL and others have a point. If I wanted support from a friend, I'd ask him directly for it. I'd volunteer that I was having a rough time, or had had a rough time, coming out. In 2017, we're getting to the point that while coming out is significant, it's not the act of bravery it once was. Open up about your feelings, and I feel sure that at least some friends will be there for you. That's how you sort out the keepers, as far as friends go.
     
  16. HelpLOL

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    I.. agree but I think there needs to be a little more context. "it's not the act of bravery it once was" true, BUT... The pain on my wifes face when she told me she thought she might be gay. That was some hard shit. I guess what i'm saying is it just depends on the people and the situation. Things are what we make of them, not that we can control them, more that who we are shapes how we experience life.
     
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  17. I'm gay

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    I wouldn't go to my friends who dislike sports and ask them for help with Sunday's picks. I also don't seek support with my journey out of the closet from straight friends who don't understand my journey. I have lots of friends, both straight and gay, and each of my friendships supports different aspects of me. If you don't see support from your straight friends, perhaps you are looking in the wrong direction. That doesn't mean those straight friends can't still be your friends.
     
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  18. DesireEyes

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    My hetero friends I have come out to provide a great sense of security in knowing I have people who love me and are standing shoulder to shoulder with me as I end my marriage and will eventually begin a new life with a new identity. But in terms of their support in me coming out, they are still confused and when it comes to actually talking about being gay, it's just not in their wheelhouse. But that's okay. Just knowing they are not turning their back on me is what I need from them right now. Reading some posts here I need to prepare for this to change, that some may not come along for the ride so to speak once I actually begin living as an out lesbian. Time will tell I suppose.
     
  19. Soundofmusic

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    All I can say is that as supportive as my frienda have been, they’re also convinced that the reason I don’t think I like men is because I haven’t had good sex. Like, they don’t doubt I like women. They just cannot fathom me not liking men.
     
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  20. DesireEyes

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    Yeah, my best friend the other day was like, "So are you 50/50 or 70/30?" I said no, 100% a lesbian. She was so shocked that I could feel that way and have suppressed my sexuality for this long, through a marriage and children. They just don't get it. But how could they?