Desperate for male emotional intimacy (a bromance)

I now realize that what I'm missing in my life is male emotional intimacy. I have female friends but I long for an emotional connection with a male.

The acquaintance that I hold a torch for appears focused on his family. Unrequited love is so painful. I think that I get periodic bouts of love addiction. My father could not connect with me on an emotional level so my adult life is wasted looking for that bond. Before this I just focused on physical intimacy and brief hook-ups. But that brought shame and emptiness. Now physical intimacy does nothing for me and I need a bromance of sorts. I want to have a male companion to disclose to, support emotionally.

However it eludes me. I live abroad and feel so lonely. I spend my days making small talk with acquaintances. I cannot understand why I live a good life, am an interesting person but cannot attract a decent person.

Today I longed to meet my crush at the gym (married to a woman but appears to like men). He never showed up and it leaves me feeling oddly hurt and rejected. His interest would buoy me up which is fundamentally wrong. I try to be content on my own and have many hobbies. But they're all solo pursuits. The thought of being perennially alone leaves me feeling wretched and worthless.

 

It's something we need. Men are aloof because society does not promote males admitting that they need physical touch from other males or an emotional bond with men.

If I'm honest I'm more comfortable engaging with women. As a gay closeted boy I felt inadequate around men and that they had no interest in what interested me deeply. But I was popular in school, college but I kept most men at an emotional remove. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm torn - longing for male emotional intimacy but also retreating from it.

I worry that males will interpret my wish to develop a deeper friendship as a come-on which is how my childhood self is perceiving it.