Yesterday I had a conversation with a colleague we’ll call Anne, about an ex-colleague we’ll call Sam. I’m no longer in contact with Sam but the last thing they asked me to do was to use they/them pronouns. The conversation with Anne, who is still in contact with them, went something like this: “Do you still keep in touch with Sam?” “Yes.” “How are they?” “Both Sams?” It was obvious at this point that Anne not only didn’t know about the pronoun change but also considers the singular “they” as grammatically incorrect when you “know” the gender of the person you’re referring to. This put me in the awkward position of wanting to respect Sam’s gender neutral pronouns whilst at the same time not wanting to argue about grammar with Anne in case by doing so I implied Sam is trans when they may not be out to her yet. In the end I settled for using Sam’s assigned pronoun to head off what I felt could have been a dangerous discussion. What’s the best way for me to handle such situations in future, and how can I reduce the risk of them occurring again while respecting everyone’s pronouns and right to privacy regarding their gender identity?
I think in that situation use the pronouns Anne would have known Sam as. I think using the wrong pronouns once is way better than outing someone. It's difficult that you're not still in contact because you can't ask what they'd like you to do.
When I was still closeted, I asked that my close friends still used "he" around people I wasn't out to. (Actually, I hadn't asked them to change pronouns at all yet since I thought it would be unfair of me to ask them to constantly switch, but they did anyway which was nice). In my eyes, it was better to be misgendered than outed on the spot. I can't speak for your colleague Sam or what they would have preferred, but maybe that provides some insight? Ideally asking the person is best but I guess you can't in this situation.
