Some days, we will feel confident, some...not so much. The important thing is not to beat oneself up on the not-so-strong days. However, when you do have strong days, celebrate them! You will find you are stronger and more confident than you ever thought possible! Do this often enough, and it will become second-nature. On the topic of "being yourself", there is a caveat, and it is an important one. It is a fundamental fact about ourselves that we are, in essence, a performance...the word "person" comes from the Latin "persona", which was the word used for those masks actors wore on the ancient stages in Greece. They usually had a horn built into them to augment the voice, hence the "sona" (sound) part of the word. Why mention all of this? Because it has been observed that many great actors/players on the stage of history, people like Patton or Churchill, etc. were very conscious of the public performances they engaged in. These were deliberate performances designed to offset their fears and their doubts about themselves, or others. In other words, they were deliberately conscious of their selves as performances because they knew with great precision the effect this would have on their audiences. Confidence often comes by acting "as if" one is what one desires to be...done often enough, it no longer feels like pretending... Here's a profound quote from Shakespeare (As You Like It, Act II, Scene VII): All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts,
I recently went away for the weekend and I had this urge to tell them about my sexuality but I struggle with knowing that I might have to deal with their rejection. I am one of those people who also has never fit in and although I don't care about strangers, I have always for in at home with my family. The idea that I might be rejected by my family is something that is very hard to accept. My family is my support structure and I might have to make peace with the idea that I might have to get used to being by myself. I don't know any LGBT people in my close circle which is part of the reason why I am still in the closet. I am so desperate to let it out that I have even thought of getting a tattoo of a heart with the colors of the rainbow so I can feel like I am coming out in some small way, even if only to myself. I so wish that I could be braver but I am not. At the moment, I am trying really hard to change it though.
ConfusedTi- Dealing with family is not easy. Maybe what it comes down to is whether one can handle being true to one's self. Or not allowing the boat to be rocked. Not an easy situation. Don't know what the family situation is for you, but maybe they might surprise you. Just trying to put a positive spin on things.
I worry about if I'd fit in quite a bit. I don't worry so much about the acceptance of family tho. Mainly I worry about just fitting in with the LGBT community. I'm very shy, and am generally pretty reserved around people. It is very hard for me to get close to anyone.
I think you have to remember that the people who know you and care about you will still continue to love you and care about you. For others, whether they are acquaintances, casual friends, neighbors, or fellow commuters on the train, their opinion of you only carries the amount of weight that you hold on to. What I learned after coming out is that my fears about what other people were going to think were just that - my fears. There really was no basis in reality for it. Not one person in my life has expressed any negative opinion to me. Some of them may indeed have a negative opinion about me, but at least I'm not aware of it. Anyone who does express a negative opinion to you will just be showing you who they really are, and that gives you the ability to cut them out of your life and not look back. I read somewhere that what you believe other people will think about you is really what you think about yourself - and that you are projecting your own thoughts onto other people. It seems pretty true to me because I no longer think about other people's reactions. I never did "fit in" with the guys talking about women and sports. I still don't. At least now I don't pretend to try anymore.
I've always been quirky and have never fit in particularly well anywhere. What's changed since I came out is that it really doesn't bother me in the same way that it did then. There' a huge difference in attitude between that desperate feeling of wanting to fit in and not being able to, versus knowing you won't, but not caring. I imagine it's part and parcel with accepting who you are, and valuing yourself, even if that carries the risk of other people not accepting and valuing you. Once you can do that, other peoples' opinions are far less important--and you find out very quickly who really DOES value you, and you can appreciate them all the more..
As Choirboy said, the self acceptance and self value is something a person wants and tries for. And how one defines themselves (lesbian, gay, gender fluid, or even straight) is not as important. I agree with the idea of self value and acceptance. Getting to that inner place is another thing, at least for me. Am I desperate? Maybe. Do I want to belong? Maybe. Is it the reason there are defining terms of gender? Maybe. Could be the reasons for wanting to fit in. When, instead, I could be dealing with how I fit in with me. And not with others.
It's interesting to me the number of responses which seem to assume the fitting in is sort of an exercise in being like other people. I'm not sure but I wonder if I thought of it that way before coming out as well. I think of fitting in less in terms of being the same but simply in terms of being harmonious. When we interact with honesty, integrity, sincerity and a little bit of kindness it isn't an obstacle that we're all different, it's part of what makes it work. I sort of think life (and sociability) is like a jigsaw puzzle. We're all different but with the right frame of mind we all fit any way.
