How to overcome envy

I don't think I will be able to provide some sound advices, so sorry for that; but wow, that is pretty relatable (especially feeling vulnerable, being afraid of revealing secrets, questioning every step).

I'm usually not the one who envies a particular person, but when it comes to seeing and, well, living amidst heteronormative society, sometimes it tends to affect me quite a lot emotionally; it's usually some mixture of sadness, grief and envy that sends me into thinking spree.

As you said, I do truly like them, too; seeing any happy couple warms my soul, but straight ones also tend to remind me that this is what expected of me, but not what I genuinely want; and that can cause some envy that they are considered as a norm, and can live genuinely without fear of being ostracized.

It would be nice to get some advice on how to get rid of that feeling of envy, indeed; I think trying to compare yourself less to others may help, though.

 

Hi Sonata,

It is indeed a highly vulnerable thing to do, to admit to a socially unacceptable feeling...good for you for sharing this with us!

There are two ideas that I have come across about envy, the first, from a long time ago, relates to the conclusion drawn from some philosophers that envy is probably the only truly evil thing that we feel or act upon...I don't subscribe to that idea, more so since I recently read some article in social science that envy does have a kind of social function.

In primitive societies, when a hunter would get lucky and bring home a prize catch, the other members of the tribe would denigrate that catch as too scrawny, or the like, and the hunter himself would say he got lucky, that it was not such a big deal...he would almost apologize for bringing in such a large catch!

The social purpose of this lack of appreciation would be to prevent hubris and pride, it was meant to protect the tribe from acting upon very destructive feelings, it was a way to prevent the hunter himself from feeling as if he were deserving of more of the catch for himself, or of deserving other special favors as a result of this catch.

So what to do about these feelings, about not being "normal"? First, I would recommend reading Eugène Ionesco's play The Rhinoceros, written in 1959. It's about conformity, and this was certainly a strong theme at the time that it was written.

Second, you need to develop a strong set of counter-values, that is, in this world there are very few things that are directly under our control, but one of these is the set of values we choose to live by. If you choose as a value, say, that living your own truth is more valuable than conforming to others, you will rapidly see that what you deliberately choose for yourself will occupy most of your thoughts.

Third, you have to realize that what you see is directly affected by what you believe you see. Believing is seeing. Remember always that "all that glitters is not gold", that is, you will likely find out (because these things almost always get uncovered, eventually) that the happy marriage, or the well-adjusted children or the myriad other trappings of normalcy, or success, are more, or perhaps less, than what they seem.

Fourth, and last is a simple rule that has guided me well through life: no human being, absolutely no one, is "normal".

 

I know how you feel. It is genuinely tough being lesbian, gay, bi, etc. You are not alone in what you feel and going through. I go through moments where I wish I was different or wish my life was different, because it would be simpler or easier.

Envy is a normal feeling and part of human experience we all share. I try not to label feelings as bad because shaming myself for being human would be inescapable. It's also counter productive with dwelling. I try to recognize every feeling has it's place and should be respected. Trying to get rid of a feeling isn't really possible without using some unhealthy coping. We can't stop envy or any feeling "once and for all". However, I think we can get better at not being consumed or controlled by an emotion that we need so much distraction. That things like graditute or joy can take a more dominate position in our lives. I'm not saying this as someone who has it all figured out, rather someone who is making changes too.

I think in tough times it helps to recieve from others and to give ourselves compassion for how hard life can be. Not a pity party or being a victim, mind you, but a real acknowledgement that life is hard and to give ourselves comfort to aid in moving on. Comfort can come in the form of a hug, a caress, a smile, and/or acknowledging you aren't alone. Whether because specifically your struggle is shared by LGBT persons or that envy is a human experience we all know. Even those we envy, feel envy and feel vulnerable and suffer. Another thing that helps is acknowledging these feelings will pass. They come and go. They aren't forever.

I personally find, if I give myself time to be with that painful reality as a legitimate experience and moreover comfort myself as a friend would comfort me. I do mean sometimes I embrace myself, or stroke my arm, and talk (or think) with gentle, non judgemental understanding. As silly as that might sound... I can help myself to move on from those feelings. It's not that those feelings won't come back, but little by little I don't have to be preoccupied or controlled by a certain feeling or thought. I'm not feeding or dwelling on those emotions. I'm not struggling against or hiding from my emotions. Rather I validate and accept them as they are, to release the pain.

We also in turn need to feed the positive thoughts, experiences, feelings, and relationships in our lives. To dwell on the good, the lovely, and the things that make us smile. Where the good isn't a distraction, but a shift in what to prioritize that moment or day.

 

I understand where you are coming from, as I do think this way sometimes. But while we as LGBT face hardships our straight friends may never even think about, surely their lives aren't peachy keen as they seem. There's always hardship behind the curtain. Of a different nature, but people have struggles behind the scenes that you wouldn't imagine. I say this because I look at my parents, a seemingly "perfect" straight couple, and once they're home, things are really messed up. But to the public, they are super happy and loving and normal.

It's hard not to compare yourself to others, but try focusing on yourself. So when you think about others and feel jealous, ask yourself what about their life makes you jealous. And write down those things. Then, think of how you can emulate those things in your life. Is it that they have a spouse and kids? You can have that, too. And write down all the ways that it could come to you. And focus on the things you see and not on your assumptions of what their life is like. After all, you're not a mind reader. They could be the most conflicted people in their heads and you'd never know.

 

This! Make no mistake. The most "glittery" people are sometimes the most unhappy ones! They wear a mask and do what they're supposed to do regardless of what they really want. Lots of people pay a high price to conform to the heteronormative society. And what is normal anyway? I didn't use to but now I often see right through this kind of people. They act, like they are in a play, and they feel fake. I absolutely don't envy them. I'd rather be me anytime!

 

Wish I knew the answer to this question too OP! Though for me it's less envy and more resentment, which is possibly even worse.

One advantage (for want of a better word) I feel us queer folk have over our straight counterparts is that, despite all our doubts and internal conflicts, we have still probably managed to reach a far deeper and profound sense of ourselves than most of our straight counterparts - having been given the opportunity (albeit through force) to unlearn all those endless societal norms that harm even straight people. When I was in the process of coming out, I remember feeling constantly astounded by the sheer depth and profundity of the revelations I was discovering about myself, and feeling just so completely in touch with the core of my being in a way I'm sure I would never have managed had I been born heterosexual. Now I feel so proud of both myself and everyone else who has ever gone through/is going through the coming out process - it's one of most difficult, painful, mind-blowing things a person can go through - requiring the kind of strength and bravery I'm sure most of us weren't even aware we had, and I like to think that any happiness we do find will feel all the more fulfilling in light of the soul-searching that came before it.