I have been thinking about this a lot lately and I have found that there are some reasons why I didn't accept my gayness until recently. Part of it was because my Mom is very religious and I know she loves me and all but she would not accept me being gay. The other reasons are one I didn't want to accept that I was gay when I was a teenager. My friends were interested in boys and I liked having guy friends. I felt like we had more in common. And that was because I was a tomboy and I still am. Two I had an experience with a girl when I was around twelve years old. And although I don't think that I really understood my feelings for girls at that time I wasn't ashamed of my behavior. I never went to prom or really partied that much when I was a teenager. My first gay concert was a Jann Arden concert. I didn't know that she was gay I just liked her voice and her music. I was a teenager at the time so I was seeing a world that I had never experienced before. I am happy to have put the puzzle of my life back together. I don't know why I married a man. Maybe because I wanted to do what I was "supposed" to do. Instead of doing what I should have done. I don't think that I ever really wanted to get married. I wasn't the little girl that dreamed of that big wedding and the huge reception with the white dress and all that. That's just not me. I am quiet and shy and I have short spikey hair. I wear jeans and t-shirts with sneakers and sometimes a baseball hat. I will no longer apologise for who I am or remain silent when I have to defend who I am. This is me, love me accept me or just leave me alone and walk on by.
It's great that you're understanding yourself better. I think a lot of us can relate to only doing things because we felt that's just what we were meant to do. I never really fancied my partner or got what the big deal about sex was, and I just figured that's how it was for me. It never occurred to me to really think about it. Similarly, I wanted a partner/husband, but it was more something to tick off a list. I never imagined building the relationship, doing things together, etc. It just was something to achieve in life.
junebug99....I am so happy for you! Knowing who you really are and accepting yourself are two of the most important things in our lives. Isn't it interesting that straight folks never give a thought to who they are...just those of us who don't seem to fit in with what society expects. In a way we are the lucky ones...we know us...they don't know them! Yay!!! you be you!!! ....David
I I know that's so true. It's everyone else that has a problem with us. And yet they probably have no clue who they really are.
What a fantastic post! I needed to read this as I can relate so much to everything you are saying. Such strength in this! I am so happy for you Junebug that you are at this place in your journey. It gives me hope that one day I can exit this marriage and live authentically. "Something to tick off a list" very well put! That is exactly what it feels like. And yes I thought the same about sex too. I always said to my partner - what is the big deal? Why does sex have to be so important in a relationship? Lately when thinking about my sexuality, It's like I am on allllll the time. I would want to be with my girlfriend all day long. This must be what everyone else is talking about. Haha.
Me too. I already have a plan in place with a good friend of mine. Not for a couple more years. But at least its a plan.
Do you feel comfortable sharing your plan? I have been thinking lately that is exactly what I need to have to not feel so out of control with my life. I'd love to know your steps if you felt comfortable in sharing - No pressure at all.
Sure. My friend is married to a man and she wants to leave him. But she can't afford to live on her own either. So we plan to get a house together in a couple of years. Her husbands health isn't good. We have been friends for a long time. She knows that I am gay and she is ok with it. That's the plan. It might take longer but it will be worth the wait. We both just want to live peacful lives without husbands that don't appreciate us. Both our husbands have addictions to pornography that are way beyond just curiosity. I think it will be good for both of us. I hope you can make a plan towards a happier life as well.
I’m very happy for you. I don’t think I’ll ever have the strength to do that. I’m a bisexual man, but only the people on here will probably ever know
That sounds like a wonderful plan and I am so happy for you that you two have each other to rely on and help. Having something to work towards takes so much mental pressure away because there feels like there will light at the end of the tunnel. Since reading your powerful statements in this I’ve started thinking of my plan. The biggest thing standing in my way is my kids feelings, losing my home and financial security and losing my pets because an apartment probably won’t take them. But the alternative is living this lie and heading further into depression. I am hoping with a good job I can start to feel more independent.
I can relate with you...but my mom wasn’t religious. She was a woman incapable of love, that broke me down every day of my life until I moved out at 21. I was never myself in that household, I was scared and panicky. The first year I was on my own I remember telling my lesbian friend I was bi. Although I don’t know how come I realized it or how I came to that conclusion- because it was the last time I ever said it, and I buried it deep in my mind. I still dated males. Went to gay bars. Was both turned on and horrified when girls showed interest, went out with a girl I was attracted to, I told her I ‘don’t wanna be in a gay relationship’. I checked off the box. I got married. 4 years later, fell madly in love with a girl at work, was aroused like never before, I simply wanted her so badly (I’ve always thought sex was just not for me, and I generally didn’t understand how come other females actually enjoyed it so much). I’m now separated and I was in a relationship with that one girl. While I need to work on myself, she does too. I’ve finally accepted I am gay, and I finally don’t think it’s such a big deal any more....4 years after I fell in love with her. It took me that long...
