Catalyst here...maybe. Advice?

I agree! I couldn't help myself....I texted to see if she was available for a chat sometime. No response yet but I know that doesn't mean anything.

I'm really getting in deep here....sigh

 

She texted me back that today wasn't good, busy with family stuff. Maybe tomorrow but didn't sound promising. Said she needed to 'have a conversation' but I'm not sure if she meant with me...
Hmmm

My fear right now is that my stupid ramblings the other day came off wrong in this way: that I wanted to define the line between us and that her 'mixed messages' weren't helping. Maybe I didn't make it clear enough that I was hoping she could tell me where that line is. I'm thinking that could explain her lack of feedback. Thoughts?

 

Yes, halo is likely right, always so wise! Sometimes it seems so obvious that my friend has a 'thing' for me. Then I get stuck in my own head, trying to figure out my own feelings and what to do about them, and I start doubting. Like most people, I am of course afraid of rejection. However, I think I'm more afraid of contributing to the break-down of a family/marriage. I wish I could've been more patient about telling her how I feel. The intensity just got overwhelming, and made me just crazy over her. Ahhh the guilt I'm feeling today sucks!

 

So, here's the update nobody's been waiting for more than me:
My friend and I went to lunch again today. I had no expectations, just the hope that I could bring up the subject of 'us' and she'd be open to further discussion. And she was. I had a really good day yesterday, connected with an old friend this morning, even got some exercise in before work. So I guess I was on an emotional high that really helped me be less anxious than the other day. Slowly, carefully, I began to talk. I apologized for the other day and explained how I was so nervous and all the words came out wrong, and that I think she misunderstood what I was looking for. I said, 'do you think the jist of what I said was that I wanted to establish a boundary or line between us because I've been getting mixed messages and basically... knock it off?' She confirmed that yes, that's what she thought I was saying. I was like, ok that explains a lot...I'm sorry but here's what I really meant:...and again, slowly, carefully, I explained how there have been countless situations where what she did or said could be interpreted as flirtatious and gave me the impression that she could be romantically interested. I asked her to help me understand if I got the wrong impression and to tell me where that boundary lies. She was quiet for a bit, then asked for me to provide examples. So, I did...that was probably the hardest part so far...telling her about several interactions that made me question. I forgot about the song like an idiot, but told her about lots of other things, including her visit to my office this morning to tell me how sexy she felt with the new haircut & style she got last night (fairly short with purple highlights btw! Very sexy, I thought). She did not share this sentiment with the rest of the office gals lol. So anyway, I'm going through examples and she's like, ok I can understand this and that. We also delve into the topic of her marriage and all the things she's said that indicated she was unhappy and possibly looking to leave. She was so gracious and seemed to really 'get' where I was coming from. For a couple minutes the conversation veered off a bit and I was like no way, gotta reign it in here. So I got her back on topic and she's taking her time. By the way, the whole time, all the time in fact, she looks right into me, like we see each other soul-to-soul right? She's even mentioned she experiences the same sensation. Anyway, then she says, this is really hard for me too. I again apologized for putting her in this situation. Then she proceeded to say she was sorry, that she recognizes all the inappropriate actions on her part that led me down this path, that she's never had a friend like me where she can be so open and there's no drama, but she loves her husband, is not leaving him, and she is not interested in any kind of romantic relationship with me. Ouch!

I'm still in shock I think. Writing all of this out felt weirdly distant. I know it will hit me soon, just trying to keep it together until I can be alone. I feel so stupid...​

 

Thank you all for your comments and support. I'm clinging to them pretty heavily this morning. I haven't spoken to anyone in person about what I've been going through with my friend, but I think I need to. I have a couple of options, but discretion is important so I need to be careful. I live in a small-town kind of area and we both work in a professional capacity so I don't want to create any rumors or drama ya know?
I have to get into work now but would like to respond to everyone specifically so will work on that when I can. Side note: she's coincidentally on a business trip for the rest of the week, so I won't be seeing her. It's kinda nice, like the universe throwing me bone lol. I think a little time apart and space will help as I process things...

 

Thank you @idsm you are right I'm sure I will come around to seeing it as a good day, but I'm not there yet. It was really nice to know that she finally understood where I was coming from. I'm glad I got some kind of answer...

 

Ugh it's hard to hear that she may in fact actually have feelings for me, but I guess you could be right. At the time, I took what she said at face value and didn't question it. I just hope it doesn't mean continued anguish on my part, but that's really up to me if I can manage it.

 

Mabel you nailed it - I am not about games and pretenses. I see so many people walking around with mask upon mask upon mask....how tiring that must be! It IS hard to tell people the truth and be who you are and say how you feel. But it's so worth it...

 

@beenthrdonetht you made me laugh even through tears. The irony was great
I hope you're right and I find that special someone. Thank you for the compliment