Today I feel empty inside. I haven’t posted much lately because I haven’t had anything positive to say. In my life right now I feel like I am just going through the motions. Today is the day one year ago that I accepted my attraction to women. I know with certainty that I am gay. For a short recap to anyone who doesn’t know my story, since I was a teenager I knew I was attracted to women but I was ashamed of it. I am married to a man, with one child. I became attracted to my straight married best friend, We are still friends and I told her in April of this year that I was gay. Around the same time I told my husband I thought I might be bisexual because I was attracted to women. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I thought at the time it would be easier for him if he thought I was bi and not a lesbian. That was a mistake because when I finally told him that I was gay he didn’t believe me, he thinks I am confused. I still see my best friend everyday because we work together and I still have lingering feelings for her. I don’t want to deal with my husband so for the most part I ignore him and he ignores me. I am miserable, depressed and lonely but I don’t have the courage to tell him I want to leave. I am afraid to talk to him so I avoid it. He is content with staying married at this point because he doesn’t want his lifestyle to change. (He is retired, I am 15 years younger than him and still working) So I cry. A lot. Today I really don’t want to be here anymore.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way at the moment @zumbaqueen. Just going through the motions can be soul-destroying. Living as you are, mostly ignoring each other, must be very difficult. I actively try to spend as little time as possible with my partner, something that I've only recently realised I do, because the resentment is hard to live with. At times I have felt that there is no way out. What's stopping you from finding the courage to leave? Is there anything that you can do to make leaving less daunting? Are you afraid of his reaction? Hugs.
I know this is probably going to sound harsh but you need to do what is right for you as you are clearly miserable and not happy with your husband and it doesn’t matter whether you were gay or straight, you would most likely feel the same and staying with him just because he wants to keep his lifestyle!! If you are working then can you get your own place etc i know you probably think you owe it to him to try and work it out etc but there is only so much you can try and if your heart isn’t in it then it won’t change and you will just get more miserable. Sometimes you just have to rip the band aid off!
@zumbaqueen I am so incredibly sorry for the pain and heaviness you are feeling. Try hard to see past the current unhappiness and try and imagine life as a larger picture. It may seem impossible, but you may gather the confidence and strength to make steps to live true to yourself. There may be great happiness and relief in your future. I remember those terribly painful days. Living in that limbo and negativity felt like a form of hell. I can't remember.. are you seeing a therapist? Do you journal? Try hard to not stay in your head and not be overwhelmed by your thoughts. I was always most miserable when I overthought things. Try to stay in the present moment while making baby steps towards where you want to be. Sending love and a big hug your way!
I truly know how you feel.. Feeling same lately, and it has become worse in the past few days. I hate to make excuses, but maybe, just maybe it's the upcoming tomorrow's Supermoon.. I think eventually you will get to where you want to be.the right moment, right time to make a change. Hugs of support to you.
Based on our past relationship what I am afraid of is him putting me down and criticizing me which then cripples me from being able to say anything. I have been working on this with my therapist for quite a while.
@Lia444 I don’t find your words harsh. I’m just not strong enough to leave yet. @Searching1 I am seeing a therapist. I am working on getting stronger. I do journal and yes that has helped. @Orchidea123 I make excuses a lot. Lol so I’m ok blaming the moon. This has just been a very long process and I’m tired.
I’m glad that you used the word yet! Keep on fighting for what you want, I believe that you can get where you want to be. I know it’s hard to not take things to heart especially when someone you trust says something hurtful but deep down whatever he says you know won’t be correct and he is just lashing out but maybe he could surprise you and not be this way? I see that you do Zumba but do you do anything else like weights, running, boxing etc that could help you feel more empowered?
You are in a process, trust it. Try and celebrate the brave moves you have made already! You spoke of your feelings to your friend, and our still maintaining that friendship even though it’s difficult. You have also come out to your husband! Those things are huge accomplishments! For me I know my journey has been ebbs and flows like this. I would make a positive step forward and then feel stuck again. After feeling a bit stuck I would find enough strength to take another step forward. It’s most certainly a process and not an easy one at all! Just know that what you have done so far took an immense amount of courage. You will tap into that again when you are mentally ready, and no matter how small or big the step is it will still move you forward. I found when I hit these low points it helps to get lost in something else: finish a book, find a new running route, add something in that fills my bucket and brings me back to me. That usually results in building a little more confidence to tackle my bigger journey again. Your life is yours, keep feeding who you are in whatever way you can grasp on to because it will only keep you moving to a more positive place xoxo. Sending you strength
I'm sorry that he criticises you. That's difficult to live with. But, I am glad that you're working on it. It can take a while to get the point where you feel able to talk to your partner and make a move to leave. I know, but I'm sure you'll get there eventually. I've felt overwhelmed with negative thoughts at times, when each possible route forwards seems full of negatives. Do you feel able to leave your partner in a practical sense, i.e. financially?
I would be fine financially. I have a really good job I’ve been at for 20 years. Because I made a lot more money than he did during the course of our relationship I was bitter at first about having to divide property when I finally leave, but I’m over that now. And before I was married I lived on my own until I was 29 and had bought my own home, I’m not afraid to live alone.
Hi @zumbaqueen, I am sorry this is such a painful time. I remember when I was still living with my husband prior to divorce and how emotionally draining it was. We also just ignored each other--but the atmosphere of tension permeated every corner of the house. It was honestly BETTER to be at work. I was living with someone else but it was the most alone and lonely place I have ever been. So regarding above quote- within your house I am wondering if you actually feel as though you are living alone ANYWAY? MORE alone than you would be by yourself? I actually find what you say in this very encouraging, being able to leave, financially stable, and having no qualms about living by yourself seems to be more than half the battle. We see so many stories of women who are not able to leave financially, and they have to start there-with getting themselves financially able to. You already can do this. Now being able to leave emotionally of course is another story. I understand your fear of him putting you down etc. But I know from my own therapy, that I can talk and talk and work on something within therapy until I am blue in the face. And this does help in understanding myself and why I do and don't do things. But until I take real life ACTION, it amounts a lot of the same in my real life...status quo being maintained. And taking action is scary, emotional, second guessing-inducing etc etc etc. But it I found it is better once I make a decision and act on it.Then therapist is there to support whatever the fallout is from the decision (positive and negative,) moving forward. Sounds like you are thinking clearly about the fact that you will have to split the finances in a divorce. I agree...small price to pay! And I think you are on the right track here for getting where you want to be. Do you have close friends or family you can lean on? And don't forget your online friends here on EC! Big hugs to you Zumba! And do something nice for yourself today.
@Mabel thank you for your kind words. Sometimes I forget how far I have come already. It isn’t easy but I keep moving forward. @Moonsparkle I can very much relate to what you said about therapy. I talk about what I want to do but I can’t seem to do it for a very long time. Then I am able to take a step further and I move on. And yes, I was very independent when I first got married and I have a successful career. I am finding that person again.
I feel your pain. You are not alone. You are walking your path and even though it doesn't feel like it, you are getting stronger everyday. I felt empty for years and years in my marriage, so unfulfilled and distant. When I fell in love with a woman almost a year ago my entire world changed. But I was only able to admit to myself a month ago that I was a lesbian after months of therapy and journaling and creating space from her for me to look deep inside myself to discover who I have always been. I came out to my husband and even though it is gut wrenching and awful, I need to have hope and faith in myself that one day years from now I will be a stronger, confident, whole person. Sending you strength and solidarity.
