So I've been seeing this therapist for a little over 7 months so far, and I have many conflicting thoughts/feelings going on both in and outside of therapy. I originally sought therapy for depression, anxiety, acceptance, etc. and I started experiencing transference toward my therapist sometime in August. It's not erotic transference. It has more to do with feelings of attachment to a parent or older sibling. When I'm outside of therapy, I really miss him in the way a child feels abandoned and misses their mom and/or dad. I tried to explain the transference I was feeling towards him on November 14th, and he kinda sorta tried to downplay how I was feeling. He kept saying I had transference toward therapy itself, and I was trying to say that it was towards him. He acted as if he might have been trying to avoid that conversation. I was really nervous when trying to tell him this, so I just moved on to another topic. I've been feeling dissatisfied with how my therapy is going. I have trouble trying to explain some of the more deeper issues I'm going through, such as internalized homophobia and trying to accept myself more. I feel like some of these issues I bring up are similar to whatever issues he may have. Since he's my therapist, I don't know much about him because I'm the patient and the entire session is devoted to talking about my feelings. I get some serious vibes that he may be gay and closeted, and may be having trouble trying to discuss these issues with me because it may stir up some unwanted emotions in him. This might be why I'm beginning to hold back more and feel unfulfilled in therapy. I've been thinking about this so much outside of therapy that I finally felt like I needed to air this out on EC. I like the guy personally, but I just have this strong gut feeling like there's something not being discussed that is relative to what I'm going through. I don't know, what do you guys think? I read alot of positive stores here from many people who sought therapy and had success with it, and I feel like my experience hasn't been as satisfying. It's not awful, but it just feels like something's wrong..
This therapist is not the only one out there so if therapy is not seeming to be effective for you, is not helping you handle thoughts that distress you and is not keeping you in a forward moving direction, it may be time for a therapist shift. Lots of people say to go with an LGBT therapist, but I don't think that's necessary (mine isn't, which doesn't mean he is not helpful to me around these issues-he is.) I think the most important thing is to find a competent, experienced therapist who you have a connection with. I'm a bit concerned that your therapist tried to downplay your feelings regarding transference. Therapists shouldn't be downplaying any feelings you are expressing. I have no idea whether the guy is a closeted homosexual or not but that should not matter anyway. A good therapist knows how to keep his own emotions and feelings in check, and out of sessions with clients. Bottom line is, if the therapy experience is not satisfying to you, it feels like something is wrong, or feels to you like HE is experiencing the stirring of his unwanted emotions (whether true or not,) I would look at changing therapists. Remember, you are paying him for a service, and therapy can be quite pricey depending on insurance coverage. As with any service we pay for, we want the outcome to be positive and satisfying!
Even though it's part of almost any good therapy, many therapists are uncomfortable with transference. In your case, it would seem that your therapist lacks a fundamental understanding of what transference is, as it is, by definition, an attachment to the therapist, not to the therapy. Transference is normal and beneficial to therapy when handled correctly. It sounds as though your therapist isn't comfortable with it and may not know how to handle it. As Moonsparkle said, a therapist should never be downplaying a client's experience or feelings, and I agree that this si concerning. I also agree that whether your therapist is gay or straight or closeted should have no bearing on your therapy. Since you've already attempted to address this once and essentially been brushed off, it might be worth addressing it head-on one more time, and you could even ask if your therapist has someone he sees for supervision, and whether this would be worthy of discussion in supervision. Depending on his response, it could be time to look for another therapist.
