1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

In limbo of separation and affair

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by DesireEyes, Dec 1, 2017.

  1. DesireEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2017
    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    124
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I've come out to my husband but we are still living together. We may be for many more months because of finances. He doesn't want me to start anything with anyone until we are legally separated and would prefer me not to for a long time because of our kids. The reality is I'm still madly in love with the woman I had an affair with. We have minimal email contact, she is trying to give me as much distance as possible while I figured myself out and try to dissolve my marriage, but it is so hard to not want to reach out to her daily and start back up our relationship. At least there is significant distance between us now, but even so, I could spend everyday talking to her on the phone and texting, etc... Help!
     
  2. DesireEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2017
    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    124
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I never wanted to leave my husband FOR her. I wanted to leave for myself. I had to convince myself if I was never able to be with her ever again, was this still who I was, was I still a lesbian? The answer was YES. But now that I'm starting to come out to people closest to me, all I want is to be with her. I don't want to date. I love her. But then I freak out that because our relationship is rooted in an affair it will not last. I read about the "rebound" or "first time" lesbian relationships that are the stepping stone to your new identity. I couldn't bare to think of our love that way. It's easier in a way to stay disconnected and love her forever without taking the risk to be together and someday losing her from a terrible break up.
     
  3. Moonsparkle

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2017
    Messages:
    516
    Likes Received:
    681
    Location:
    Northeast US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Is the woman you are in love with your first experience with a woman? I ask because I read an article on 'Losing Your Catalyst' and why it is so hard in woman/woman relationships. Wish I could remember where I read it, but when I did --WOW, it was spot on and captured every emotion I went through! I will try to find and post if I can.

    Did you guys decide mutually that she would give you space? Is she just waiting for when you are able to make the break from your husband? And did you talk about the reality of you two being together when this happens?

    I don't think it is a forgone conclusion a relationship 'rooted in an affair will not last.' Idk, just seems like the concept of an affair kind of gets muddled a bit when one or both parties have been with men/are married to men at the time. Not saying it makes it right, just that it's kind of a different sort of affair...
     
  4. DesireEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2017
    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    124
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yes, she is the only woman I've ever been with. Yes, it is mutual that she is giving me space and time. I moved with my family 4 hours away from where we had been living for 14 years and where her and I met. After I moved, she went overseas to travel. She is coming back though but plans to live in another province about 12 hours away in the town where she grew up to work on relationships with family. She is single, never married, and is younger than me. Our love feels so strong, but I have legitimate fears about our age difference, our places in life, etc. I guess time will tell. I don't want to see her in person again until I'm legally separated and living apart from my husband which could easily not be for another 6-8 months. But keeping my distance by email and phone will be harder. I just don't want to complicate an already very complicated situation I have myself in...but going through all of this without her support feels so hard when I just want to hear her voice.
     
  5. Moonsparkle

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2017
    Messages:
    516
    Likes Received:
    681
    Location:
    Northeast US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Well it sounds to me like you are thinking with a level head about all of this. And that is REALLY hard to do with matters of the heart. I think it is wise to wait until you are legally separated, and six months isn't THAT long. Though I know when you have deep feelings for someone it seems like forever.

    Hang in there, it really sounds like you are making the best decisions for you, her and your family. The fact that you are able to look at the situation objectively even when it evokes so many emotions, seems like it will be a real plus in the long run. :slight_smile:
     
    DesireEyes likes this.
  6. Lilbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2017
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    52
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I can relate to your struggle, as I also had my first love with a woman while married to a man. It was/ is a struggle to figure out if I would still be ok with my choices if she and I didn’t work. There were a few times where we tried to separate, but it always felt like there was a force that kept bringing us back together. It has definitely made the situation more complicated, and I am still working through the pain and guilt. I applaud you for having the strength to put things with her on hold so you can deal with your marriage first. I hope when things settle, you both find your way back.
     
    DesireEyes and dreamingfreely like this.
  7. DesireEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2017
    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    124
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you so much for the support.
     
  8. DesireEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2017
    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    124
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for the hope. I hope your situation keeps getting better for you. Are you still with her?
     
  9. Lilbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2017
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    52
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    We are still seeing each other. Like you, I sometimes worry that it won’t last because of the circumstances when the relationship started. I think we are both aware of this possibility, but our pull is so strong that neither of us have been able to walk away. Open communication about our feelings of vulnerability has helped us get through the tough moments. We dream about the future but just take things one day at a time since I’m still going through the divorce and coming out process. It’s so tough that I times I wish I could just have my old life back, but I realize it would be really difficult to turn back now after knowing what I have had with her. I feel for you - hang in there :slight_smile:
     
    DesireEyes and dreamingfreely like this.
  10. DesireEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2017
    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    124
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for sharing. Sounds very similar to my situation. We knew living in the same town there was no way we could stay apart. We tried so many times over a 7 month period to end it and never could. I moved my whole family to try a fresh start to see if my marriage could rebound and to work on myself. Within months it was obvious I couldn't keep living a lie and finally came out to myself and then my husband. She went travelling both to help with creating distance and giving me space and of course for her own personal development. But now she is returning earlier than she had planned. I am praying for strength to keep us at the very least physically separated. I feel like I fall in love with her more each day. She is the hope I can cling to when facing what is going to be the hardest thing I've ever gone through.
     
    Lilbird and dreamingfreely like this.
  11. DesireEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2017
    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    124
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    @Lilbird We also say "one day at a time" to each other.
     
    Lilbird likes this.
  12. Lilbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2017
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    52
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for sharing. There have been many moments where I have driven myself crazy trying to talk myself out of loving her. I kept telling myself that my feelings were not logical. I have observed the ebb and flow of my feelings over many months and have come to the conclusion that I feel most at peace when I accept the fact that my heart and body wants to be a with a woman. Keep sharing - I’m curious to hear more about how your story unfolds :slight_smile:
     
    DesireEyes likes this.
  13. DesireEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2017
    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    124
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Yes, exactly my feelings! If only I could have come to face my sexuality in my youth, but I was too scared of being "different", I just wanted to fit in and do what was expected of me by my family. Living in a small town didn't help as I was never exposed to any examples of lesbian relationships or families. I started dating my husband when I was 18, I tried to break up with him many times over the years because I knew something was missing, but my family loved him and had us married in their minds after our first date! I wanted to be a wife and mother, I never thought being a lesbian was an option for me, even though my sexual desires from as early as I can remember were always about women. But I could never imagine myself being in love with a woman. I never had a point of reference for it. I was engaged at 23, married at 24, pregnant at 25, and became a mother to my oldest at 26. 10 years later and here I am, 2 children, years of unfulfilment in my marriage that created such distance, resentment and dysfunction between my husband and I that our children have witnessed. They have never seen what a close, loving, caring relationship looks like. I want them to have a chance to see me have that one day and I just pray that their pain and anger over us splitting up and me coming out will not damage them too much and that one day they will know it was for the best for everyone. But that is going to take a lot of time and healing. We aren't even separated yet. Thank you for sharing your story. It is easy to feel so alone, like I'm the only one going through this and of course second guess myself everyday whether I'm doing the right thing.
     
  14. Lilbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2017
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    52
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Our stories are so similar... I also was aware of attractions to women from an early age but grew up in a small town with no frame of reference for anything other than a heterosexual marriage. I didn’t think much about the attraction, as I never thought I had the potential to develop an emotional connection to another woman. Looking back, I recognize that I had feelings for a friend years ago but didn’t yet know how to label those feelings. Messages from my upbringing are deeply ingrained in me, so I’m having trouble accepting myself. I just have to keep reminding myself that I have tried to do everything that society has taught me, so if I am still feeling this way after fighting it for so long, then this just is the way I am.

    You make a good point about your children deserving to see a close caring relationship. It sounds like you have also tried to do things the way you were brought up, but it’s just not fitting for you. Children are resilient but also observant. You can go through the motions, but you can’t fake love. Hopefully before long you will be able to model to them what love and happiness looks like.
     
    DesireEyes likes this.
  15. DesireEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2017
    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    124
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Oh wow, yes our stories are so similar. Are there any support groups for women in your situation close by? I have found one that is in the largest major city 6 hours away which I can't attend in person but the volunteer coordinator has connected with me by email. She started the group 6 years ago when there was nothing available for her when she left her husband for a woman. She said she had supported hundreds of women in our situation. I wish I could go to the group in person but having online connections and support is great. Are you living separately from your husband now? Do you also have children?
     
  16. Lilbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2017
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    52
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I’m glad to hear you have found support, especially from someone who has supported hundreds of women in this situation. I haven’t found any support groups yet (not a very big city), but I do know a few supportive individuals. We don’t have children, just a cat, and we are living separately. I can only imagine the emotional struggle if kids were Involved.
     
    DesireEyes likes this.
  17. DesireEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2017
    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    124
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Having children is the hardest part. My role as a wife and mother have been the only identities I could hold on to when I felt so lost. Even an unhappily married woman is still a married woman. How this is going to affect the children is on my mind constantly. It's what has held me back and enabled me to suppress myself for this long. Being a parent is all about sacrifice. But the cost of this type of sacrifice I began to see was too great and in the long run is negatively impacting my children more than if I stay and continue being miserable. But the transition period is going to be hell. I know it will be years before we find our way back to an equilibirum and we all settle in to whatever our new normal will eventually be.
     
    LostInDaydreams and Lilbird like this.
  18. Lilbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2017
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    52
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    My heart breaks for you. This transition does suck. I’m currently grieving aspects of my former life and identity, and I’m having trouble accepting and letting go. I can understand how your concern for your children adds an additional layer to an already complex process. At times I have wondered if having a child would bring me happiness and make this issue go away, or at least less important. However, I realize that is faulty thinking and sexuality concerns don’t just go away after having children.

    Although the transition will be tough and take time, do you really believe it will be a matter of years before everyone reaches a point of stability? I imagining and hoping it may go a little quicker than that. Has your husband found any sources of support?
     
  19. DesireEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2017
    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    124
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for the support. You are lucky you did not have children with your husband before coming to terms with your sexual orientation. It is devastating. If we didn't have the kids our break would be happening quickly and swiftly and as he said we'd likely not have any wish to be in touch moving forward. But as co-parents we are linked forever. In my case, yes I do think it will be years. But for you I hope it will be much shorter and I'm sure it will be without kids. The irony of it all is how hard I have worked to be liked, to not rock the boat, to build tight family connections on both sides. It's a house of cards that is about to all come crashing down.