I wasn't 100% sure on where to post this - this isn't about questioning my gender or even coming out. More of dealing with my situation. So I do apologize if this is in the wrong place. I'm definitely at the end of my rope considering I am planning on ending my life if I can't figure out how to really approach this. For some background - I've known for a while. At the ripe age of 7, I started at a public school after being in private schools for so long. I knew I didn't like how I looked, so my mom took me shopping and get my hair cut, which I whacked off and essentially she just assumed I was a tom boy. Everything I owned was from the boys' department. I didn't think anything of it, until my gender was questioned at school. I told everyone I was a boy and panicked at the thought of someone finding out I was a girl. They found out and it destroyed me. I suddenly became the center of the school's bullying squad. Fast forward, teens hit and I'm really just getting worse, I originally found this site around 15 or 16 and it helped me find the word for how I felt all those years of suffering in silence and doing what everyone wanted: transgender. It was an identity, but still not one I wanted. All I wanted/want is to be an average guy. That's it. Problems started growing, I tried to end my life at 15, kept quiet until I was 18 when I finally told a friend who was and still is the most supportive person on the planet. To shorten everything that has happened since: After two meetings with a counselor, I was given the okay to start HRT. Met with the physician who was going to be in change of my HRT, he asked the question of "what happens if you don't transition" my reply was simple and without much thinking - "if I have to live as a girl I will kill myself." Was on T for 3 months and it was the best 3 months of my life. Went through a break up, ended up homeless, started going manic at work and was put on a LOA to see the ER for mental health care and was hospitalized for a week. During that week my mom told if I wanted to move back in to start re-building, I had to stop transitioning. So I stopped. It's been 1.5 years since there. Almost exactly to the day. I can't handle it anymore. I'm in a relationship with someone I have some degree of feelings for, but honestly it's just not working because I'm with a guy and I have little to no sexual interest in guys, and he is clueless about my gender crisis. Recently I told two of my bosses who actually own the company of my second job. Neither were surprised but both encourage me to move forward with transitioning. My two best friends know and one knows I am on the verge of suicide because of it - both are telling me to do what's best for me. I don't know how to approach any of this, it seems like I'm too deeply weaved into this facade I've managed. I'm completely lost at this point.
I totally suck at giving advice but please don't kill yourself. I know that may seem like it's the only option but it's not. If you are in a relationship that you don't like then don't feel bad about breaking up with the guy, just explain why nicely and I'm sure he'll understand if he's a decent human being. As for the transitioning part I don't know what to say, I was a bit confused as to why you stopped transtitioning but if you are unable to because of money then i would just make getting enough money to transition your ultimate goal and start working towards it. Until you can transition again just try to do anything that can make you more comfortable, including finding a new partner that will make you feel more comfortable. Sorry if this doesn't make sense or if it doesn't help you at all. I hope you find out a way to fix things.
Shit man, I'm so sorry you're stuck in this situation. I gave the same answer to my psych who asked "what would happen if you couldn't transition" so I feel for the pain you must be going through. Is there any way you'd be able to move out? Stupid question but have you tried talking to your mum, telling her that you *need* to transition. Explaining what gender dysphoria is and how it makes you feel? Get it all down on paper and give it to her so she can see how she's making you feel. It's better that she has her child, no matter who they are, than to have some bones in the ground. It's disgusting that that's the direction she's dragging you in. I say as a start, find a partner that you can explain your gender to and that will support and validate you. It seems like you need the validation after everything you've been through. Having a partner that respects the boundaries you put down, that you're 100% comfortable with and can communicate with will hopefully make you feel more comfortable in yourself. Don't settle for someone you're not attracted to. You've got to take it a step at a time. Moving to somewhere you feel safe transitioning is a must if your mum refuses to accept you. Make sure you're settled and can transition in relative peace. Don't give up on transitioning though. You'll get there mate. Give it time and work at it, get through to people that you're a man and that's not going to change anytime soon. You shouldn't have to fight but transitioning is a battle at every step. Don't give up now.
