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Help...can’t get her off my mind

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Okteivia, Nov 29, 2017.

  1. Okteivia

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    Out to everyone
    The past few days my ex has been on my mind so much. We’re terrible for each other, I say I’m done and don’t want her back, I keep telling myself I just want to call and see how she is but it never ends up that way. I know that she will never be what I want and need and I tell myself I’m over her but then these thoughts of her come up. Songs won’t quit coming on that remind of us each other. “What do you want from me,” was playing on my Pandora today and it used to remind me of us and then she told me one day it made her think of me. Then another, and another. I’m ready to shut Pandora off at this point.

    I’m in a heterosexual marriage. He and I were separated (mostly) for over two years and she and I were together for nearly two. He and I got back together for a month or so and I left him for her. So he hates her with a passion. We’ve been broke up for over a year. I saw her probably a month ago and we kissed for the first time since last April probably and it was everything it used to be. But she can’t be a secret and I can’t leave him. That’s an entire other story I won’t get into.

    Anyway, she’s been on my mind and I just wanna see how she is but I know I don’t need to.
    She’s an addict, clean for a year and a half, but she’s my drug. And no matter what I tell myself and no matter how genuine my intentions, I know how we are. This has been going on for three years now and it feels like it never ends. Our connection is crazy, I swear sometimes I dream her contacting me into reality. It’s crazy but I feel like she’s gonna call any day now and every time the damn phone rings...it’s maddening.

    I don’t want to care for her anymore but I can still think of our first kiss and it takes my breath away, I can feel it like it’s still happening. I’ve never loved like that before. I’m 32 and was married for 9 years but nothing compares to the chemistry I shared with her. She is heroine. What do I do?
     
  2. shadowalex

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    If you really love her then maybe you should permanently divorce from your husband, if you're really as committed to her as you say. Then she'll see that too. But thats just my opinion. Do whatever makes you happy. Good luck.
     
  3. Moonsparkle

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    Similar spot I am in. But you seem to have answered the bottom line question, 'we're terrible for each other, she'll never be what I need,' and have acknowledged that (me too!). But still, missing someone is normal, even when we know it CAN'T work. Those sappy love songs (like anything by Ed Sheeran!)...so hard.

    I just have to keep reminding myself, that getting over someone is never a straight line, never going to wake up one day and be like, 'whew! finally my feelings for her are over! That's done, can check that off my to do list.' The process, at least for me (and I am almost a year out from break up) has been up, down, and all directions in between. Some days, even weeks, seem fine, with just normal sorts of reminiscing over good times in my mind. Other times,'What About Us' comes on the radio and I find myself bawling in the mall parking lot!

    I get the feelings of wanting to text her,to reach out. Was thinking about something in an article I recently read. Article was about getting over someone. It said, 'whenever we say we want to text/call our ex, 'just to see how they are/to say hello/to wish them a Merry Christmas etc etc' what we are REALLY saying in that check in text is: 'I miss you please love me.' And therefore no matter what the response it will leave us more disappointed that we were prior to the communication. Not sure if the article is right but gave me something to think about.

    Anyway, I hope things get a bit easier for you as time goes on, and I think they will. Take care.
     
    LostInDaydreams, Okteivia and Mabel like this.
  4. wickedwitch

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    Hi:

    I'm not quite sure whether this is the same thing but I'll throw it out there anyway:

    I'm in the process of reading a book called "Unrequited: The Thinking Woman's Guide to Romantic Obsession" by Lisa Phillips and I've found it really helpful in understanding my crush on a guy who doesn't want anything to do with me (despite having flirted with me extensively). I've found some good ideas in there about why I had such difficulty in letting that go. The slant is heterosexual but I don't see why it wouldn't apply to homosexual relationships as well.

    Another resource that has been helpful is this article:

    http://www.skyscript.co.uk/lgreene.html

    I suggest ignoring the astrology (even though I'm an astrologer, lol), and just thinking about what she says about the "unlived" part of one's life. Some of these ideas are echoed in the "Unrequited" book too.

    It seems in some ways we link our life goals with the presence of another person and then continue to conflate the two even when the person is not interested in us or is bad for us. It's this idea in particular that I found very useful for helping me to let go of this guy. (Although when I see him I still turn to look. Damn he's good-looking!! LOL)

    I think learning to pursue the goal, without thinking you need the person to do that, may be the key to truly letting go. That's one idea anyway. Another thing that seems to work is using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques to truly examine the state, or the perceived state, of any "relationship".

    Hope something here is helpful.

    Hugs.
     
    #4 wickedwitch, Dec 1, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2017
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  5. Okteivia

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    She will never be what I need and I’ve accepted that. We always end things so badly and I hate that we can’t just check on each other occasionally but that’s the way it always is. Call me crazy but I have this need to be a priority in someone’s life and she always puts me on the back burner for her family bc she doesn’t want to tell them that we are talking. They believe that for her to stay clean she can’t be gay anymore (yeah that’s another story). Anyway, I’m not going to get myself back into that with her to get hurt again.
     
    #5 Okteivia, Dec 1, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2017