I had planned on taking a little break from EC, just to focus on a few other things while I waited patiently for the holiday season to be over. Being on here is great, I was just getting a little distracted from my daily life. But here I am again just needing to talk some stuff out. What a day. Today I finally told my husband that I was thinking about separating and taking some time apart in the new year. It started as an innocent conversation with me bringing up some things he said recently that made me feel really disillusioned with the marriage and with the way he has been treating me. I just wanted to talk out those feelings, feel better and move on- I didn't expect for things to escalate but they did. It got to the stage where I just blurted out how I really felt deep down. We didn't finish the conversation because he had to get back to work.. Then later this evening when he got home we started talking again. I told him again of all the reasons I am not happy and he agreed with me and said he knows he has let me down over the years and can understand why I am at this place now. I also admitted that a part of me is unfulfilled and I do think often about being with a woman . He was angry at first, but later on when the subject was broached again I explained that it is within me all the time, but gets magnified when I am unhappy with our relationship. He acknowledged that it makes sense why I would feel that way especially as I am all about emotional connection and that I would probably get that more with a woman than a man. We've been trying to fix this marriage for years, and he told me he wasn't going to make false promises anymore that he was going to change because he has said that over and over and nothing has ever changed and that I didn't deserve to be lied to anymore. He told me that he didn't want to break up, but that he cant blame me for feeling this way and that I should just leave if that's what I wanted. I said I wanted some time to think before making any firm decisions, but also to get through xmas together as a family for the kids sake. He said he cant pretend until the new year that we are okay. He said he will be civil for the kids but that he wont be able to go on as normal around me. He will be hurt and will probably lock himself away in the bedroom of an evening and not talk. He said he didn't want to be acting normal knowing in January I was leaving. We also both agreed we didn't want to keep bringing it up and trying to talk it out. If it was going to end, we would prefer it just end. I feel like the time has come to make a decision, yet I don't even know what is going to happen. I have no job, not much money. I have family about 30 mins away who I could stay with in the interim, but I don't want to ruin the kids Christmas. I also don't want to give him false hope like I'm thinking about staying to work it out when I know my hearts not in it anymore because then I will have to go through today all over again. My daughter has one more week of school and then it is the holidays. I asked him to let me get through this next week without making a decision and then I will go and stay with my mum for a little bit until Christmas so we can both think things over without having to be in each others pockets. Then we will see from there. But honestly, I don't know what is the right thing to do. I want this to be amicable, and I want to try and salvage any friendship so that it doesn't get nasty for the kids. I am terrified of going out on my own with no job or anything really beneath me first to give me a leg up. I am scared that once I say I am definitely out, that he could get nasty. At the moment he is being so nice because he wants me to stay, but if I say its definitely over, he could get angry. He has a tendency to lash out when he is hurt. I also feel that I can't wait too long. I have the guts at the moment, so I don't want to lose that momentum and start second guessing myself again. I wished I had never started the conversation today as the timing is not ideal for the kids especially. But I could feel that things were getting worse and worse for us, and I hate living with a dark cloud around like that. I wear my heart on my sleeve and needed to clear the air a bit. I just thought we could talk it out like we usually do and I would feel better but now this has happened - to be honest he could feel me pulling away even before I blurted out my true feelings. I feel like he needs me to tell him I'm either still in or i'm out but I don't want to be breaking up over xmas (for the kids sake - it doesn't bother me because I can live with my mum until school starts back in late January) Help!
Hi I don’t really have any advice as I’m not in your situation but I’m sure someone will pop along later who can offer some advice. But they do say things happen for a reason... what is your gut telling you to do? How old are your kids? If you didn’t have kids, what would you do?
I live with a similar situation daily, my wife (M) of 17 years does not accept support or believe in my orientation, she was raised in a bigoted setting and has never learned or never attempted to learn about other lifestyles. We are in a non-sexual multiparent polyamorious relationship with her best friend (N) and her friends children who we have accepted as our own. N has had similar life experiences as me and supports my orientation without question. M has southern baptist and evangelical upbringing and refuses to acknowledge that bisexuality exists. I am in the same boat but I am the sole provider for our household. I have an unnatural need to make sure my family is safe and happy, even if it means sacrificing my sanity for theirs. I am at wits end and almost left last week. I don't have a support network here and neither does M. I cannot make her leave because I respect her greatly.
*hugs* butterflies I'm sorry you had such a tough day and that the conversations with your husband somewhat spiraled away from your original intent. Hopefully you can gain some confidence after a night or two to sleep on it. It will take courage and determination (which you've proven you already have!) to put yourself out there. Have you thought about what kind of work you could do for income? How about apartments, etc? Even though I'm not necessarily coming out 'later in life' I can certainly relate to the breakdown of a long-term relationship and how difficult it really is to divide the life you've made together. Your kiddos make it tougher I'm sure, but you certainly have their interests in mind. It's great that you have your mom nearby and that you have an interim option! Take some time to think things through. I can't really give advice except that making decisions hastily rarely work out, so take the time you need.
@Butterflies85, I am so sorry for what you are going through. What you described sounds incredibly familiar. We had so many painful, hurtful conversations from the beginning when I brought everything up. I know just how scary that all is to suddenly be thrown into those thoughts and conversations. I remember not being able to comprehend any of it.. it was all just too much. For both yours and your husband's sanity, I would recommend to take a step back and let things acclimate a bit. At least this is what we did. It was a constant series of two steps forward, one step back. One week into bringing everything up he mentioned the possibility of divorce and "may as well end things", and it was too much too soon. Over the next few months we had several conversations and we were able to see things with new perspective. In the end we preserved a level of respect and love for each other. However, my difference was that I was having a hard time accepting I was actually gay so I kept in the "I need to figure this out" mode for those months, allowing things to be dragged out, clinging to the possibility of us staying together. If you know this is what you have to do and you know there is no other way, then maybe it is time to figure out next steps. Perhaps getting through the holidays with the understanding that you will separate after is the best option. I get wanting to do that for the kids. Each situation is different. I would do whatever you feel will bring the most peace to you while considering your family. Sending a hug your way ❤️ Hang in there and be good to yourself.
Hey hugs for you I'm sorry that you are dealing with all this. I get you wanting to stay together until after Christmas but I think that depends slightly on your partner too, if he really is going to literally shut himself away upstairs then the kids will sense all of that anyway and so it might be as well to not all be around together. I definitely think just letting the dust settle for a couple of days is a good thing. Maybe see if you can talk to your mum about coming to stay and maybe speak to a financial advisor so maybe you would know more about where you stand. I know you can get through this and it will lead to brighter things, hang in there.
@TomiimoT i'm really sorry to hear you are also struggling in your situation. All I can offer is hugs and hope that you will find your happiness somehow in all of that. Thanks so much @Woodswoman and @silverhalo once again for your kind supportive words and your advice. I have a background in medical admin so I would love to work in that industry again but can only take what I am given. I will approach my previous work place as Its a specialist medical field that I was trained in to see if they are looking for someone again. I have looked at apartments in the local area and the rents are nearly as high as our mortgage to own a home in the same area. Scary. I may need to move away, to a more affordable area. But this will also mean I wont be able to return to my previous work place. He would definitely quite literally lock himself in his room. @Searching1 thanks for popping by. I was eager to hear your advice having just gone through months of this. I really appreciate your advice and support. Yes its agonizing isn't it? I do feel in my heart that I want to leave, but I am frightened that I will regret it and I am really reluctant to turn my world upside down right now before I am ready. I can't really have it both ways though, I can't expect him to just go on as normal while I figure myself out. @Lia444 Thanks for popping in. If I didn't have children last night I would have told him I was going to my mums for a bit to clear my head and would then almost certainly end it. It's not just my sexuality - there have been years of difficult times, fights and heartbreak. He is a good man but has emotionally broken me down through the years and leaving me feeling empty. He fully admits this. We are not all perfect in our relationships, but he said he could see I have made more effort over the years, and now can see I'm just done. Last night he came into my room (we have been sleeping in separate beds on and off for years due to him snoring and me being a light sleeper) and he was just watching me. As I made a noise to stir, he left the room. I got up to see if he was okay and he wasn't. He said he felt sick for what was happening. After much back and forth, I told him he could come and lay in my bed with me, if that would help (he has been saying lately that he just wants us to go back to sleeping in the same bed) We lay there for the rest of the night, crying, talking, holding each other and then talking and crying some more. He is pretty sure i'm out but says he wants to fight for me. But I don't really want him to and I told him that. I don't want him to get his hopes up. I feel like I am in a limbo state at the moment. It almost doesn't feel real. I am scared that I am in shut down mode. I said something about me going to have to rent somewhere and he said 'f* that' and sort of alluded that I would stay in this current house and he would go live in our other home that we use as a rental. But I am afraid to talk logistics with him because I am scared that it will signal to him I am really out and then he will shut down, and will do something rash and it will all happen too quickly leaving everyone hurt and in shock.
I'm sorry you're in such a painful place. I know that feeling of dread well. Anticipating the next conversation where you have to be honest knowing then it all instantly breaks apart. My husband and I have been avoiding it for months. We got so close to speaking the words three weeks ago and just couldn't. I guess we need more time. Do what feels right. Maybe go to your mom's for the weekend with kids and get a breather? Good luck. This is all so hard
I know I already said it but everything you are saying is so familiar. Just try and know things will get better. That first month or two was the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Talk to each other, talk to a therapist, write in a journal, and keep posting and reading on here. Try hard to remember to breathe and focus on the present moment rather than constantly staying in your head. I got really depressed from all the negative thinking. The book, The Power of Now helped me a lot then.
I came out to my husband almost two weeks ago and it was agonizing. It’s important for both of you to each have your own support systems right now. My husband was falling apart until he was able to talk about with a friend and then a family member. Some days are pretty good and some days are just miserable but it’s getting a little better. My counselor suggested keeping the lines of communication open so we have a good talk about every other night. I’ve only had a small part time job and will be starting a new job tomorrow. It is all still very scary but I have hope that all of us will adjust over time and things will get better and better. I’m here to talk if you need to!
I know it’s hard, and I’m going to say that this all sounds expected and normal. From an outsider looking in it seems like you guys are having a natural reaction to something that’s really tough. You have been dealing with a lot of this in your head, some of this is new to him. He has to work through it just like you did. My husband and I went through similar and now we know it is what it is. We gave eachother time and space as needed and talked things through. Some of those talks were very hard. Now we are still married on paper but know what we really have is a special friendship. The rest we will work through in time. Just stay with it and trust the process, it will eventually sort out. Hugs and blessings xo
@Butterflies85 I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't really have any advice to offer. You have to do what you feel is best, but I completely understand your fears about the unknown. I have moments when I really don't care anymore, but then moments when I don't know how it would work. I relate to so much of what you have said. On Thursday morning I was researching rental properties, nearly in tears at my desk, and planning what I was going to say to my partner when I got home. I've had enough of not being good enough, being resented, walking on eggshells, etc. It's not all his fault, I'm not perfect, but I don't think this is fixable. As it turned out, my partner was perfectly pleasant when I got home, so I didn't say anything. At the moment I feel like I just can't do anything right, so I'm going to focus on my daughter and my work over the next few weeks. I don't know how it came to this, but I'm sure it really matters now. As it's nearly Christmas and I don't want to ruin it, I'm not going to say anything if I don't have to. If I have the time, I'll be researching though. Take care of yourself. If you want to, you're welcome to vent on my wall. I will get back to you eventually. Have you shared this with anyone in real-life? Can anyone help you adjust the time frame you'd planned?
Thank you again everyone for all the recent posts. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have support and to share in similar stories. He has started going above and beyond trying to fight for me. He has booked a dinner and show for us on Wednesday, send me flowers to the house yesterday, wrote me a love letter and left it on my car seat this morning and has been making so much effort around the house. It breaks my heart how hard he is trying, and when he sent me the flowers I didn't feel a surge of joy or love, just guilt. When he told me about the dinner and show, I just felt guilt. When he wrote the love letter, nothing there but guilt. Because I don't feel the same and I'm not sure I can get it back. How do I react? I've told him thank you but that I just need time. I need space to think. But he is afraid that will lead to me leaving anyway so he's telling me that I have to let him try to win me back. When I analyse my feelings, it feels to me that I am hesitating to leave because of the kids and because it will be hard and messy to walk away from the life we have. When I think about staying it makes me feel sad and trapped. When I think about leaving, it makes me uncomfortable and afraid. Both ways are horrible.
@Butterflies85 That's a difficult situation, but you need to remember that the relationship wasn't working anyway. People can act differently in the short term, but I'm not sure people can really change in the long-term. If things go back to how they were, will you regret not leaving and getting all the difficult stuff out of the way now? It needs to be your decision, but for me, I know I can't go back to the happy place I was in at the beginning of my relationship. If it's the same for you, perhaps you have your answer. Can you support yourself and your children if things start to change quickly?
