First off I'm just going to go ahead and say it, I'm not happy at all in my relationship. I didn't want to accept this, but it's my conclusion. And now starts the part of me beginning to figure out exactly what I'm going to do. I just want to post here to get some opinions on the matter that are different than my own possibly, & although this is the start of me fixing this problem I want to try to save my relationship, because I love my partner so much and do not at all want to hurt her. I'm just hoping in the end that's possible. I've realized I'm not happy in my relationship due to various reasons, like one reason is that my partner and I just don't click like we use to. She's not emotionally there for me, I'm not able to have deep conversations with her, there seems to be no sexual attraction in our relationship anymore(on her behalf), she is childish, and that's just the basics. I've realized with time and getting to know her so well that we obviously don't want the same things in life, for example I would like to be a parent some day, but she doesn't want children ever. I would like to eventually move away and more close to a larger city, but she wants to remain in rural america where there's no opportunity, and actually eventually wants us to move closer to her parents, who by the way she's not even out to. And her life goals just seems blah, she just wants to work a basic job, has no motivation or desire to pursue a great career, and I honestly feel like within the past 6 years she has brought me down more than she has built me up. And ya know, I thought at some point maybe I could sway her thought on some of those things, but I don't think that'll ever happen. I feel like the best thing for me to do ultimately would be to end the relationship, but I just really don't want to do that. I'm afraid for her, and honestly I'm even afraid for me. Although we don't seem to want the same things I still feel extremely close to her and care for her, and I'm afraid it would hurt her to the point that maybe she would harm herself.
Hi Kyrielles As far as options go, I don't really see any other way around this, you need to talk with your partner. The only advice I can offer is that you speak to her in the same way that you've come to us for help. Aka don't let it come up in an argument, sit her down in a neutral environment. Tell her how much you love, but that you are unhappy with some aspects of your relationship and that you want her advice and perspective and to try to work through it. That's the only way you'll work this out in a way that can help and even strengthen your relationship. Of course depending on her answers it could also spell the end of it. The issues you mentioned are a pretty big deal. And I think you need to honestly prepare yourself that you may both come to the conclusion that you want different things in life. But if that's the case then at least you would have the opportunity to approach that bridge with her, with honesty and respect.
In order for a relationship to work, there has to be communication. It's normal to feel frustrated with your partner sometimes, but if you constantly feel that way towards her, it's not going to change unless she makes the effort to compromise. i understand you lover her, but are you still in love with her? I would definitely have a serious talk. If she brushes you off or refuses, then ending it is probably for the best. Partnership goes two ways. You can't be the only one putting in the effort, otherwise you might as well be single.
Having a conversation is going to be the number one thing to do. I just have to mentally prepare for it, like just trying to find the beginning words to say is going to be a challenge in itself, because normally if I start a serious conversation or try to have a conversation about issues in our relationship she immediately shuts me down or gets upset. And of course, being the soft heart that I am I normally will just stop talking to avoid hurting feelings. My dream would be to legit sit down with her and talk honestly and calmly about our relationship and our future, my I fear that's not going to happen. On some level I've been trying to have this conversation already with her for the past couple of years and it never gets past a few sentences. I'm going to have to overcome my fear of hurting feelings and just continue talking this time regardless of her anger or emotions. I mean if she would just talk to me I could help her if she has anything going on inside, she could help me, we could help each other and get through this, but I've lost hope. But I want to do this no matter the outcome this time because I am just so tired of being unhappy and having this stuck feeling. It has really taken a toll on me mentally and physically and honestly after serious thinking I feel that I've felt this way for quite some time, I've just noticed in recent months because the severity has increased. And as for feelings, I'm not going to lie, I would be kind of heartbroken, and I would definitely miss her presence if our relationship ended. However, I would be okay to remain friends with her after, but I don't think it would happen. But if ending the relationship is what needs to happen then I am ready to move on. On the other hand I am truly more concerned about her. If our relationship does end will she be okay? Will she be hurt? Will she do something stupid? Will she harm herself? Will she end up in a bad relationship? I am very concerned that if I end our relationship that she will end up unhappy with someone else, I am concerned for her well being after. For me the concern of her well being is the main thing.
If she cares about you as much as you care about her, she'll sit down and have a talk with you. You can have a serious conversation without being cruel or malicious and you can tell her that something is bothering you, and you would like her, as your partner, to actually hear what you are saying. I don't like hurting other people's feelings either, but once you realize some people don't care about yours, it gets easier. As for what the future would have in store for her--I think you've done everything in your power to make things work. You care about her wellbeing, which is fine, but people move on. And if she truly doesn't want to lose you either, she'll listen. If not, the relationship will only get worse.
Yeah, that's how I feel sometimes when I do try to talk to her. It's like if she cared you would think that she would at least talk to me, but doesn't go that way. And this is going to sound horrible, but I would feel less bad about it if she actually felt the same way, and wanted to end it and move on. It's like if she felt the same way I would worry about her less. (if that makes sense) I don't know I'm just bad at hurting peoples feelings, especially those I'm close to. I've also had a lot of hurt and losses in my short lifetime, and on some level I think that impacts my deep concern for her moving on. Because if I did hurt her and moved on and something happened to her or she harmed herself I would be so unable to deal with that. I would never forgive myself. It could be possible however that I can force the conversation and maybe get through to her, but as I said previously I'm hopeless on that. Anything could happen though right? And I'm totally capable of compromise, all I want is just a tiny bit of happiness, that's what I've been lacking.
In light of the fact that she is shutting conversation, my suggestion would be to write it all down in a letter and sit her down and make her read it. Make sure to state in the letter why you felt you had to write it in the first place. Some people, myself included really struggle to get words out, especially in difficult conversations and I always find writing it down helps a lot. You seem like you've got a good handle on what you want from a relationship and from her reaction to you wanting to talk about I wouldn't be surprised if she was well aware of the same issues. She may be holding onto the hope you will continue to compromise, it's important to clarify why that is not fair and healthy for either of you. It's so hard at this stage and especially knowing that she may very well not take the situation well. But you have to bear in mind that protecting her from it by compromising on your own life and happiness, is not doing either of you and favours. If it does reach the stage that you feel you need to end the relationship, be aware that you need to have clear boundries in terms of giving her space to process. You may love her and be concerned for her, but possibly make sure a mutual friend is aware of the situation, a friend that's closer to her than you. So they can take care of her emotional needs, and be with her just in case she does hurt herself. You trying to fill that spot will only confuse her and maybe even yourself.
Ya know. Writing her a letter is one thing I have not thought about! I feel that I could nicely say all that I want to say and it would be so much easier. So definite thanks for that advice. And I've felt that she probably does know and recognize all that I've just desperately been wanting to talk about, but yet nothing. My happiness is for sure an issue, that's basically what led me to this website. My happiness has been going downhill for approximately 2 years now, maybe close to 3 and I was fine with it up until it has gotten worse. I just feel that something has got to give, my unhappiness is making me miserable with life in general. And yes for sure. I will definitely make sure or try to make sure someone can be with her or just keep her company if our relationship does end, we don't exactly have mutual friends, but I do sort of know her friends. I already know that if our relationship ends we need separation as people, which is why I said earlier that I know we couldn't be friends. Someones thoughts and emotions would definitely be harmed. I still have this feeling of dread though, I mean we've been together for over 6 years, we've lived together for around 4 years, and we've shared the same bed about every night since. I know it's going to be difficult for me as well and somewhere deep down I have this feeling of what if I end this and can never find anyone better.
Yeah for sure, I completely understand, my fiancée and I don't always see eye to eye and it's taken work to build communication between us so we have the freedom to talk about issues in our relationship. A relationship is essentially two people who will never completely see eye to eye, that's why it's so key to find the middle ground in order to make it work. But definitely talk about the big deal breakers, especially the fact that you want kids. If you both love each other and can reach a middle ground where you are both happy then great but that needs to be the priority that you are working towards. Happiness... just pulling that into open conversation will be a step in the right direction.
Kyrielles, I completely relate to your situation. Like, you could have taken the words right out of my head. I was in a relationship for a little over 10 years. The first 2 years or so were great, we connected, communicated, all that. Then, we settled in. I was fine with settling down for the longest time. Even when deep conversations and sex faded...i was completely content. Then something switched in me. I wanted to pursue new dreams and activities, and I really missed romance. I tried to talk to my girlfriend about these things. She was great in conversations, terrible with follow through. We just couldn't put our words into actions. I felt stagnant, suffocated. I came home from work one day and just knew, we had to at least take a break. Our talk that night was long, sad, but also hopeful. I too was worried if she'd have support after our breakup, and regularly encouraged her to hang out with friends and family and actually TALK to them about what's going on. That was 3 months ago, and so far, so good. We are still good friends, neither of us are seeing anyone else, and we've really taken time to make sure each other is OK throughout the process.
Definitely looks like you've gotten some great advice here already! Not sure I have much to add-though I wonder if she senses that engaging in very real communication about your relationship would force her to look at some really big issues you are having, and she simply doesn't want to face these things. But the only way to work through them ,of course, IS to face them. If she is unwilling to, and you stay with her I think it's likely you two will be maintaining the current status quo in six months, a year and on and on. And it seems clear that after much thinking you want more than the status quo. These ARE very different goals, most of which don't lend themselves to compromise. They are either or things. There's nothing wrong with living in rural America, or working at a basic job or any of that--if that makes someone happy and content. But it doesn't seem that you are okay with this plan. You seem to have much more ambitious plans around where to make a home and pursuing a better career. From my experience it usually backfires if you attempt to bring someone 'up' to your level of life plans. You will come to resent them when they have to sort of be dragged along and they will resent you for being dragged along into something(such as a move to a big city) they simply don't want. Anyway, it seems to me you are thinking really clearly in considering all of this. I think the writing a letter advice given above was good, that way you have time to think out your thoughts and make sure you include everything you want to say. Wishing you all the best.
A letter is definitely how I am going to approach it this time. I'm more than likely going to wait until the holidays are over, that will also allow mental preparation for myself, and allow me to perfect my letter, say what I want to say. I won't lie either, I have this feeling deep down of great hope that our relationship won't end in result, but if so I am ready and prepared to move on. I appreciate everyones opinion and advice, the great vibes, you guys are more of a help than you know!
*Also. Had a friend suggest that I basically let her recall what it was like to be alone, he said I should stop doing things for her, and being so kind and accepting to her. His theory is it will make her realize how much of a role I play in her life and all that I do for her. But I'm not 100% sure about all of that, it sounds good in some parts, but then not. haha. He suspected she had grown too comfortable in the relationship with time and unconsciously taken everything for granted. Like I said I'm not all sure about that, but what do you guys think?
YES! Definitely sounds like very similar situations to me. Sorry to hear though. Possibly the break will make her yearn for you again, and if not it will allow both of you to move on. Either way I hope all goes well for you, wish you ultimate happiness It's also great that things are going smoothly for the both of you, I hope my situation goes as smoothly.
I certainly get the idea behind your friends advice, but I'm not sure it would yield the result you would hope for. I guess in a perfect world she would come to her senses jump up and say,'wow! I finally realize how important you are to me and how much you do for me, and how I don't want to lose you!' But that seldom happens in real life situations. Anytime we are motivated by trying to get a certain result or outcome from another person by 'proving' something to them (at least involving two adults) it's usually disappointing. I think you were on track to begin with, you know your goals in life and you know where you want to go moving forward, and that your current relationship does not seem to fit with these things. And besides, do you really want to stay in a relationship where you have to MAKE someone remember what a role you play in their life and how they are taking you for granted? (even if they have unconsciously taken you for granted.) Probably not. I think for everyone it's a given and important for us to know how important we are in our partners eyes and that we are never taken for granted, without having to 'force' them to see this. Just my two cents.
Basically my thoughts exact. I mean the friend who told me this was a male who has been numerous long term relationships, but always seems to end up unhappy and single, which was indicator #1 his advice was bad. haha. And I definitely feel that if someone loves someone they should always know the importance and the role the other person plays, I mean I've been in love with her, and I definitely realize the role she plays and has played in my life, and I appreciate everything she has ever done for, if feelings are mutual she should feel the same. I'm definitely sticking with the letter. Another reason I love this website, my real life friends never give good advice.
Haha-yup, truth right there--I think if I followed all the advice usually given to me by some of my real life friends my life would be even more of a hot mess than it already is! lol! But I guess we gotta give the real life pals a bit of a break here--at least online we have a chance to really think about and edit our words, before hitting send!
