Lost

I am 32 years old and still feel so “stuck.” All my life I’ve known I liked girls, when I was 5 I kissed my friend, not once but twice. I had a attraction I didn’t understand to a girl my entire elementary years. Then in middle school my first real crush was a girl. My best friend (since we were 10-11) was the only one to know at first and she knew without me even telling her.

As I got older I became the girl that other hot chicks would make out with at parties, but it was always to impress guys and I would be left slightly disappointed. Then when I was 17 I met this girl, through my best friend. She was so cute and was into me. I got involved with her for a short time, of course to my family she was just my “friend.” I always felt my Mom would be devastated and my dad (who was 40 when I was born) is so old fashioned he would be angry. I like guys too so no biggy I would just stick with men and suppress my lesbian desires.

After the girl I mentioned, and I broke up I met a guy. We had fun together and he was like my best friend. Never felt like the stuff you see on movies but I loved him and was happy. Well I got pregnant, so at the young age of 19 I was mom and wife. I knew I never wanted to have children with more than one person and decided no matter what I would stick things out with him. I wanted our son to have both his parents.

A few years later we had twins. I was happy but that longing for a female was always there. He was okay with that and allowed me to sleep separately and explore those feelings. But once I began getting involved with another woman and the relationship started to grow he decided that was not gonna work so I ended it with her.

Of course that feeling still doesn’t go away but I try to suppress it. Then our marriage fell apart, he became addicted to prescription medication he was prescribed from a back injury and he had no control over it. He began taking from our now 4 children to feed his habit. We divorced.

I dated that first crush girl but she turned out to be crazy, and not just “all chicks are crazy” type crazy but certifiable (literally) type crazy.

About a year or more later I got in contact with an ex and he was all “I’ll love your children as my own” and what young mother doesn’t want/need that. Well we got married after two years of a rocky relationship. Then a year and a half later we split.

A few months after that I met the love of my life, she was everything I never thought was possible to find. She was the ying to my yang. She picked up where I failed and vice versa. Her smile was my sun and her eyes were the stars. I knew I had loved before but I never knew a love like this could be real. I was crazy about her. She set my soul on fire and still the thought of those feelings does the same thing.

This was love, this was real, this was it. I never wanted anyone else. We were together for almost two years. She was an addict (I guess I’m a magnet for those). I dealt with it and tried to help her for as long as I could. She got back in touch with her family and after she went in rehab and came out and stayed clean she decided my life was too much for her and she bailed on us. I had stood by her when no one else had and she not only broke my heart but my kids too. I’m very happy for her that she is clean now and has been for a year and a half but I had to let her go.

I got back together with my husband (he refused to sign papers and I never got divorced). We fight like crazy and for the most part can’t stand one another, I don’t even get why we’re still together. In the beginning it was the fact that he still loved my children and I needed that bc no woman I had dated was willing to be my partner in that. I had already found the love of my life and it didn’t work so what’s the point, I decided to settle for what I knew I could depend on.

And sometimes I still talk to my ex. She gets jealous and we fight and quit talking again. We’ve done this several times over the past year or more. The last time I said I was done, I hope I really am. I feel like I’ve finally let go but who knows how I’ll feel in a month. This is the longest I’ve went without accidentally calling her or her calling me for some made up reason. She’s nearly 40 and will never grow up and I can’t have that in my life.

My husband and I have this decent life now and I can offer my children more. We’re buying a home, we have a car that doesn’t break down every other week. Everything is coming together except that we fight all the time. But I still miss a woman. I know I’m stuck in this but that longing to have a woman to touch, to hold, to kiss, to feel something I could never feel for a man, that feeling will not go away. I’m so lost and even though I’m happy with my life (as far as finally meeting goals) and my kids, that piece is still missing and I don’t know what to do.

 

The man I’m married to now would never be okay with that. He’s extremely jealous, especially of woman. I was with my ex gf for nearly two years while he and I were separated. It’s complicated but I’ve been back and forth to her for three years now and he hates the fact that I’m bi.

 

I couldn’t agree more but he does. Can’t even go to Hooters to eat bc he hates it, even though the chicks in there are really young. I can’t even say a girl is pretty without him getting pissed. Thing is he’s known I’m bi since the beginning. But he’s less accepting that than my super Christian mom. I can’t change the fact that I have always and will always like girls, exactly as you said, it’s who I am.

 

I have kids and he’s stepped up and helps me and supports them and their own father doesn’t. I loved my ex like crazy but even she couldn’t handle my life. I’ve never met a woman who was willing to be my partner in raising them and he is. And things like that never work. I believe in karma. Why go out and try to build something with someone with no guarantees that it will be anything, no guarantees that they will even like my life, or that we can even live together...all that is too much of a risk I cannot afford to take. And as I said that shit comes back 10 fold.