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Advice please?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by GreySky, Nov 23, 2017.

  1. GreySky

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    How do you know when it's time to cut someone out of your life? And how do you do it? And how do you know you're not overreacting?
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Well it's a tough thing to do especially if they have been close. Is there someone else you can discuss it with, I often find talking it through with a friend helps me identify if I'm overreacting in the heat of the moment or whether my reaction is valid.
    I think if they are having a negative impact on your life and perhaps not just as a one off (unless it's a really bad one) then maybe it's time to move on. How to cut them out depends a bit on the situation, you could talk to them about it and explain how you feel, or you can just cut contact. It's quite difficult to say without knowing the details, could you tell us what happened or do you not what to share it here? It's entirely up to you.
     
  3. GreySky

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    No I don't have anyone I can talk to about this sort of stuff.

    To give some kind of context im having difficulty with a friend. She pretty much ghosted on me awhile ago back when we were strictly online friends. I don't know why but I messaged her just to say happy birthday in the spring and the friendship reformed. We started hanging out once a month during the summer too since we only live a few hours apart. Everything seemed good. She even said we should meet up more often than our monthly lunch thing. We've barely spoken since that suggestion, and haven't hung out at all. I did message her earlier today to say happy belated thanksgiving she did give a short response then and the usual "sorry it's been awhile!" but I don't know what to think. Sometimes I wonder if she really wants to be friends at all. And I feel like if I didn't put in extra effort there wouldn't be any friendship at all. So I dunno. Im getting mixed signals and its just confusing. It doesn't help that I've been in situations like this where people werent being honest about what they wanted and how they felt. I don't want to waste time and energy and end up feeling like an idiot again...
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Yeah I get it. Situations like this are tough and I'm not sure there is a right or wrong answer. I think it comes down to how much it bothers you, which I'm assuming is a reasonable amount or we wouldn't be here talking about it. It is probably either that she does want the friendship but is busy or a bit rubbish at staying in contact or that she likes the friendship when it is convenient to her. You are better placed to decide which one it is.

    I guess it depends who much the friendship means to you and how upset you get when it stops and starts like this.
     
  5. GreySky

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    It does bother me a bit. It's not like I have to be attached at the hip to people (I'm too antisocial for that lol), but longer absences do bring up bad memories from the past. I'd hate for anxiety to project that onto her if that's not the case here. I like to think its not. I mostly believe it's not. Trusting is hard for me though.

    Waiting until her life calms down before I make a drastic decision seems like the logical option. I could try to make other friends in the meanwhile, I suppose, but that's hard for me to begin with, I dunno if I could do it after this situation has made me tired and wary.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    I think regardless of what you decide on this friendship you should try and make some other friends. I know it's really tough but it will be worth it, plus the more you work on these things the better you will be at them. I'm not saying they will ever come easily to you but you will learn to be better at them.
     
  7. GreySky

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    Yeah for sure. I just need to remember how to get to know new people. It's been awhile lol. And find a way to do it one on one since I'm not good in groups where I don't know anyone.
     
  8. silverhalo

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    Well why don't you chat to some other people on EC and practise your chatting. I know it's not exactly the same as in real life but it's all good practise.
     
  9. Moonsparkle

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    I would say a good barometer of whether to cut someone out of your life is to check your reactions to when you are with them, or when you are interacting with them. Do interactions with them make you feel good, valued, uplifted? Or do you find yourself consistently upset, or angry or not sure where you stand with them?

    If the negatives outweigh the positives then it could be time to cut the contact, or at least take a break for a while. After all life is hard enough without bringing additional negativity into it. :slight_smile:

    And as a side note I think @silverhalo has some good advice about 'practicing' chatting here on EC. I think it's been helpful for me in 'real life' to interact with others on-line too!
     
  10. GreySky

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    I don't know. Even if I wasn't too depressed for chatting and felt more comfortable with forums I feel like I've used online socialization as a crutch too much in life.

    I do feel good when we're hanging out and texting. Those moments have just been so few and far between lately.
     
  11. silverhalo

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    Well if you are depressed then you need to seek help from your doctor and a therapist to find a way to work through that.
    Using online as a crutch I understand and if you don't want to do that then I understand so then maybe find an LGBT group near you or start a new hobby or something of interest where you might meet some like minded people
     
  12. GreySky

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    Therapy is the plan when insurance kicks in. Until then I can't see a therapist or a doctor I just have to make it through on my own.
     
  13. silverhalo

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    Yeah I get that, having a plan is a great first step.
    What do you think is the thing that most annoys you at the moment, like if you could change one thing what would it be?
     
  14. GreySky

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    What annoys me the most is how alone I am. And there doesn't seem to be a way to change that because whenever I start to think that I'm not so alone anymore that ends up being a lie.
     
  15. GlassWalls

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    Do you have other friends you can lean on? A hobby? It may be that your relationship works, but that it can't be a full time relationship, so to speak. With some people, you can only be with them sometimes, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be with them at all.
     
  16. silverhalo

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    What about doing some volunteering that is a really great way to meet people?
     
  17. GreySky

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    Not really. There's someone I used to work with but we aren't so close that I'd go to her with my problems. And we have different days off so we can't really get together anymore either. I have some hobbies but I've been disinterested in them. I did make myself read after work today but I still felt bad the whole time.

    I don't need a fulltime thing. I just need people to feel present in some way. But going from talking to two or three times a week to not even once in two weeks(ish?) feels a lot like being blanked. Maybe I'm overreacting but it feels that way.

    I volunteered when I was younger before I started working. It became to much after that, and I'm working even more now. Ive thought about going back from time to time, but there's just not enough time or energy left for it. Plus the work I did was solitary anyway.
     
  18. silverhalo

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    How often did you used to volunteer? Maybe you could volunteer less or in a different role so you are not working alone.
    It doesn't have to be volunteering you could join some kind of meet up or a choir if you like singing or a walking club it all depends what you like doing when you don't feel in this bad place. It's not going to be easy to force yourself to do anything because that's part of the depression feeling apathetic and lethargic but if you can just try and break the cycle it will bring rewards.
     
  19. GreySky

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    I only volunteered one morning a week. It's still too much. I cut back on a lot of other extra side jobs also because it got to be too much and got in the way of me having a life. That's part of the reason my social life is in such bad shape. I never had time for myself that didn't involve keeping up with chores and general adulting. As it is now I still only have one real day off most weeks. Adding another responsibility to the list would hurt more than help, I think.
     
  20. silverhalo

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    Ok but if you want to be less lonely then we are going to have to find a solution to you having no free time.