Hello everyone. I have had some trouble posting and talking about this, but I figured I should. I’m not sure if this is the correct place to post this, but I don’t think it fits into the other categories. I need a place to just vent I suppose. I would appreciate any support and advice that you could give me. Just a warning, this is a long post. Before I begin, I’ll give you a little information about myself. I am a 19 year old male, and I’m gay. I live in the south of the USA, so being gay here is taboo. To make matters worse, I grew up and I am currently living in a very religious household. My entire life I have had to listen to homophobic comments from my family. They get pretty brutal at times, but I try to ignore it. Its to the point where I still can’t watch any television show with an LGBT character without having to hear something degrading and horrible every 5 seconds. Anyways, I digress. Ive been struggling with this part of myself for my entire life, practically from the beginning of puberty to now. I guess I realized I was gay when I was about 11 or 12 but I ignored it. Growing up gay was extremely difficult for me, and it only got harder. It is hard when all of the guys your age are interested in girls, and then seemingly you are the only one interested in them. I guess my real problems began when I was about 14. At this time I had made a lot of progress to accept my sexuality. Yet, I was 14 and I had a lot of questions. The internet was my only option for answers, so I frequently would try to find out more information about being gay etc. One day, however, I didn’t clear my history. If you can’t figure out where this is going, my mother found my searches. I believe one of them was ‘how do you know if you are gay’. She confronted me about it in tears. Screaming, yelling, whatever you name it. It was very traumatizing for me. I don’t really remember what she said, but it was bad enough for me to completely block it out of my memory. I remember trying to play it off, and eventually I got her to drop it. This event was only the catalyst to the rest of my problems. Now to the really hard part. After ‘solving’ that fight, I went back into the closet I guess. It is important to note that my mother is EXTREMELY overbearing and protective. I was entering high school now, which as most of you know is a horrible place for anyone that is different. My mother begin to bully and pester me into getting in a relationship with a girl. If I tried to dodge that or play it off in anyway, she would go into hysterics. She would get a crazy look in her eye and ask me if I was gay. She would absolutely flip her shit. (Sorry, lack of words) It was horrible. Now, I have always had an anxiety problem, but as you can imagine, it really began to triple at this point in my life. Because of her constant bullying, I went and found a girlfriend. I still feel extremely guilty about this, but I won’t get into that. Having a girlfriend got her off of my back, but left me extremely unhappy. I didn’t want to have anything to do with this girl. I was sick of having to spend 100% of my time talking to her, spending time with her, etc. Anytime that I tried to spend time for myself and enjoy a video game or whatever, my mother would start her hysterics again. I only now realize that because her hysterics traumatize me, that was her own insane way of controlling me. Eventually I broke up with the girl, and told my mother she wanted to do “unchristianly things”. She accepted this answer, but continued to pester me about a relationship. Anyways. This next part is extremely difficult for me to talk about and I can truthfully say it’s the most traumatic experience of my life. When I was about 15 or 16, all hell broke loose. I had somehow managed to come back out of the closet and accept myself. I found the courage to tell my close friends that I was gay, and was actually pretty happy for a time. One day my mother started her normal questioning again. When she asked if I was gay, I told her that I was. She burst into a complete frenzy. She forced me out of the house, into her car, and took me over to my fathers house. The entire time she screamed that she couldn’t believe I was going to hell. She was crying, screaming, you name it. I didn’t even have a chance to speak. We got to my fathers house and marched inside. I can’t really remember all that was said, but it was horrible. The entire night was them yelling at me, screaming in my face. Telling me that I was going to hell, how utterly stupid I was in telling my friends, anything you can imagine. It was horrible. I eventually told them I wasn’t gay, just curious, and we left. I never stopped crying that night. The next day my mother drove me to school, even though I had a car to drive. She told me in the car that I was to go in, and ‘undo the mess I had made’. She said to not even think about telling ANYONE the events of what happened that night because she WOULD find out. That day I had to go to every friend I had told and tell them I wasn’t gay. I lost a lot of friends that day, most of them were confused and really not understanding. From that point on until now, I have been in the closet. The rest of my high school years resulted in increased bullying from my mother to get a girlfriend. It was a living hell for me. I moved out of my house and moved in with my father. He isn’t as bad as my mother, but he does some things too that I don’t have to get into right now. My mother is still doing her shit, which results in her texting me every single day, three times a day to ‘check in on me’. I have been trying to distance myself from her, but it almost seems impossible considering she is my mother. If I ignore her texts, she calls me. I can’t get any peace from her and I am going insane. The only good news is that my father is completely on my side with my mother and helps me avoid her at times. Currently I am in my second year of college, and that has helped me to avoid her hysterics since the workload is very demanding and keeps me busy. I have developed PTSD, extreme depression, and I am extremely suicidal. I hold extreme guilt for being gay, and extreme guilt for being alive. I am still very much religious, but I struggle with that aspect of my life too. After having to deal with my mother, I feel that I am going to hell for something that I cannot control. Each day is a challenge to get out of bed, and I end most nights with a panic attack. Every day I am living in hell. Luckily, I met a wonderful person who is very dear to me. She has helped me come to terms with a lot of my issues and I can tell you I am better than I was before. She actually recommended me these forums to go and get some support. I believe her name is Aro on here. If any of you have any kind words, I would appreciate it. I can’t solely rely on her to help me with everything. I would appreciate any support or advice you can give me. Thank you. I also would like to note that this has been extremely difficult for me to talk about, even to post on the internet. It is very likely I have left out a lot of details.
You've already heard what I've had to say with everything and I really hope that you can get some good friends, advice, and love on these forums. I know that they are always here for me when I need them. Treat this guy right, everyone. He deserves some serious support. Good luck on here, my friend.
Hi, I just wanted to say that I know how you feel... The main difference is that I am 16 and still dealing with the traumatizing experience known as "High School". My parents have constantly pestered me into getting a girlfriend that I have no idea what to do with. She's a nice person, but I don't have any real feelings for her... I'm glad that you have managed to accept yourself, I have only recently begun to do that. I hope only that I can do as you do and continue through the hardships. You have had it much worse then I have, and you have managed to get through it all. In my opinion, that's amazing and I hope you continue to do so. I would like to add that people like you who have made it through so much and still continue on, are a true inspiration not only to me but to many. I know that if you can make it through all of that, you can do almost anything.
Thank you for the kind words. I am still very much struggling, but I am still here and that is something. It is extremely hard to continue on, but I can thankfully say I had Aro to help keep me going this far.
Bumping because this got buried and my friend here really needs some help. Good luck getting some responses.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My parents are only mildly religious and we never talk about the fact I'm evidently gay, but...nothing like what you have had to experience with your parents. My family is not accepting of my sexuality, but they at the very least have the kindness to avoid discussing it with me. I am very much someone who lived in near total denial until my senior year of high school. I still struggle with the fact that I'm far from comfortable being gay and I am deeply ashamed of my unattractive body I didn't choose and can't change. Anyone who suggests that being gay is a voluntary choice is full of shit. I would never choose to live in what has become paranoia, loneliness, despair, and discomfort. Too many people I've met who I thought I could confide in said homophobic things which only kept me further in the closet. I can totally relate when it comes to feeling hopeless, sad and lonely. Suicide is something I've been thinking about for...several years now. I don't think I can ever be happy in my own body, and college is downright miserable for me. The medications I take to control my severe depression and anxiety also kill what little sex drive I had to begin with and make my mouth incredibly dry and uncomfortable. I don't feel like I can express the full extent of my despair to anyone, even my own therapist. Sometimes I wish I could be anyone else at all. It almost feels like I'm buying time until I reach a point where I truly have nothing and noone left in my life. College is a living nightmare for me and I honestly don't think I can handle life much longer.
I wish that I had that sort of luxury. Any topic of conversation about girls with my parents is usually filled with an awkward silence which I know what they are thinking. If my family would avoid asking me constantly, then that would be a blessing to me. Its honestly a living hell for me. I am so tired of feeling guilty, paranoid, and lonely 24/7. A couple of months ago I took the opportunity of opening up to my other best friend about my depression, PTSD and everything. I had actually built up enough courage to come out to him, but of course he started saying some homophobic things, which just broke down that wall of courage I had built up. Where I live, I hear homophobic things pretty much daily which just keep me in the closet. I just recently quit my job due to all of the shit that I am going through. College is alright for me, but I don't really have any friends there. Due to some other situations, I can't get any medication for my problems either, so it is a struggle everyday really. I feel that way all of the time though, and most days I feel that I will soon give up.
"I am so tired of feeling guilty, paranoid, and lonely 24/7." Me too man, me too. And damn that's really shitty what your friend did to you even after hearing the kind of crap you've been pulled through. To be honest though, I cut ties with almost everyone I possibly could from high school. At the very least people at the college I'm going to seem far more accepting of homosexuality. I don't exactly advertise though. It seems that being 'out' is only acceptable when you can look the part. Frankly I doubt I ever will fit in with the gay community, in part because it's built on highly superficial grounds. The way I grew up, I remained consistently 'straight acting' to the point where few people even had grounds to believe I was gay. Sure, I was a damn good artist and choir boy who sucked at sports, but I lived in the kind of heavy denial that almost totally stopped me acknowledging my sexuality. Something to do with my deep-seated feeling of physical inadequacy in the face of my envy and desire for attractive guys my age. I feel extremely uncomfortable being pressured to change what I wear, what I talk like, what stuff I do, etc by a community I don't even feel like I belong in.
Well he didn’t know what I was about to tell him I suppose. He brought up that he didnt understand why I thought I was gay in highschool, but that was after the homophobic remarks he had made. I just sort of dropped it there. Well, unfortunately after the bullshit of my sophomore year, there wasn’t a lot of people left to cut ties with. Now I probably have about a total of 3 friends. People here seem a bit more open and accepting at my college as well. However I dont know when or if I will ever be comfortable being out at school again. Its too tiring for me to live two seperate lives, and its more unneccesary stress that I don’t really need. I can relate to being ‘straight’ that people dont even know. Back in highschool it was a surprise to everyone, and my parents...well you know. I understand being envious too, I don’t particularly like my looks either, and frequently find myself having crushes on guys that I know will never happen. It too makes me extremely uncomfortable having to come home and practically change every interest I have to keep up my straight persona. Its very exhausting and it hurts to not be able to enjoy things that I like 99% of my time. That being said, I don’t think I will ever fit the ‘stereotypical gay’ archetype either.
Medication saved my life as far as anxiety goes, but I continually lapse into depression despite switching between cocktails of different medications over the years. I just feel...empty and sad a lot of the time, punctuated by the occasional fascination with a certain project or task. I'm 20, but I had to take medical leave this semester because my coursework as a computer science major was too overwhelming, among other things I'd rather not mention. I've tried applying for multiple jobs around me, but haven't had any luck there. My other friends resumed their lives without me and I'm basically just sitting around my house under constant judgement from my parents. I can't sleep without drugs that make me feel like a zombie the next day and sometimes I just lay in my bed crying. I hate my university but don't know where else to go and I'm terrified of being unable to finish my degree. Other people I know have jobs and relationships and meaningful lives on top of school but all I have is a 3.9 cumulative gpa that took countless hours of struggling to make progress towards a degree I'm not even sure I want anymore. And I'm not even halfway through. Hell, most of my peers handle 16-18 credits a semester, but I usually can't even handle 12. I lost my merit scholarship after withdrawing this semester and I don't know how I'm going to finish college. To be honest, I lost my faith in medication a ling time ago. All it does is take off the edge and make things slightly more bearable. It doesn't fix a shattered self image and neither does therapy (for me at least). I feel like I'm riding a train to the end of the line.
Due to my current financial situation and other reasons, seeking therapy or medication isn't an option for me. My parents are fully aware of my anxiety and how bad it can get, but I've given up on begging them to help me pay for medication or therapy. It just seems like a lost cause to me right now. I feel empty and sad every single day as well. As of now, I am just taking the basic courses I have to take, so my work load isn't too strenuous, but it still requires constant attention. Mix that with my home life and everything else and it got too much for me to handle while working 30+ hours a week. I have resorted to taking ZZZquil every night due to the fact that my anxiety and stress keeps me up every single night. If Im not ending a day with a panic attack, you can bet I'll be sitting in bed crying. I feel like I need to just give up at this point. Most days I am home alone, and any human contact I have is the 2/3 hours that I am at school everyday. Any free time I have I spend re watching a show over and over again trying to fill some seemingly endless void that I have. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. And hardly the energy too. As for school, I can’t understand how some of my friends can handle those extreme credit hours either. Granted, I dont think any of them are in as bad as a mental situation as I am. My friend is also doing a computer science degree and he had to cut back on his work hours due to how difficult and demanding the field is. Most days I think about quitting everything and crawling into a hole to die. Recently I’ve resorted to self harm, but even then the only thing I truly want is to commit suicide. I feel like nothing will get better and Im so tired of waiting for something to change. I guess I’m on that train too.
I've always been far too much of a coward to really, truly make any suicide plans but the idea hovers around me constantly like something I can't quite ignore. I guess the thing I'm most afraid of is failing myself and others. It feel like a total fuckup sometimes and genuinely doubt I could even handle supporting myself. It legitimately terrifies me that over three years have passed yet I've managed so little in the time since I graduated high school. The notion that one day I won't have anyone left to disappoint, that I can just...give in, hovers in the back of my mind constantly. Even when I've felt better I never had any notion of positive, long term plans. It's always felt like something of a waiting game. If I can't manage to play the damn game then I'll likely end up folding at some point. I should point out the hospitalization I experienced in "treatment" for a while as a 16 year old. If someone's idea of 'help' is trapping children inside a prison, forcing them to share their most embarrassing secrets, and doping them up on drugs until the insurance money wears out and seeing if they can lie their way out of a place that only makes suicide look more appealing...then they would be wrong. Very. Fucking. Wrong. I will never, NEVER let that happen to me again. I'd choose tumbling down a cliff over that shit. Psychiatric hospitalization was the kind of terror-inducing experience I have to deliberately blot from my memory. One moment you're telling someone how you really feel, the next you're being ushered into an ambulance by cops. Don't make the mistake I did. I don't physically harm myself because that only compounds my feelings of shame and guilt. Also, the thought of cutting myself makes me genuinely nauseous. But my therapist likes to remind me that I DO harm myself in a twisted, compulsive way. My own consience has damaged itself far more than others ever could. In a way, I'm complicit in my own despair. An almost instinctual, self-protective part of my psyche is the only thing keeping me here really. When I'm doing well, I make decent friends on campus, but as soon as things go wrong it's like I never existed to begin with. What am I to them? Unfortunate? Disposable? I've stopped living for myself or others, instead I live because the empty nothingness of death terrifies me. I would never father a child of my own blood, my genes are far too corrupted. And marriage? The notion I could actually handle that and find reciprocated love makes me laugh it's so implausible, but it usually just ends with me crying alone. Part of me longs to...let go, but the sentimental part of me holds on to the shreds of dignity and potential I still have left. Hang in there buddy, if only for the sake of appreciating a world you only get to see once.
To say that I haven't attempted it would be a lie. Most of the time I just get in a state of mind that I be just do not care anymore. I don't care about anyone, anything, and that is where it gets really dangerous. I constantly feel like a fuckup though, I understand. I am horrible with coping with my problems, and it results in me bottling it up which just further hurts me. I definitely feel like my life isn't going anywhere. These past years that I have been out of high school, I have spent working almost everyday, or going to school. I rarely get any breaks, and now that I had to quit my job, I have no money. My savings have diminished to the point where I have to ask my parents for gas money. I haven't felt better in a while honestly. Some days are better than others but I always have that shadow of anxiety and depression following me around. I do my best to maintain the few friendships that I have, but most days I wish I could just stay in bed until I die. That sounds horrible, and I'm really sorry you had to experience that. Horror stories like that are what keeps me away from really telling anyone. Some days though, I believe I should be hospitalized because I simply don't care enough about myself anymore. To be honest, I have strayed from self harm recently, but not for any good reasons. I've gotten to the point where any self harm tendencies that I have are just to inflict major damage on myself. I practically crave hurting myself, whether it be mentally or physically. Usually I wish that I won't get better, because for some messed up reason, I want to be hurt. That is good though, but I understand not being able to keep friends either. Any small hint of a friendship that I have with someone just fades away for whatever reason. I've mostly given up with that, and accepted Ill be alone with both platonic and romantic relationships. It sucks really. I realize that with my current state of well being I wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship, but it is still a nice thought. As for friendships, it would be nice not to feel so lonely all the time, but I will accept the ones I do have. Its hard to hang on, but I am still here for now. Like I mentioned before, most days I just don't care.
Hey first off (hug) I can't speak to coming out to your family but I can talk a lot about depression and suicide. Here's my 2 cents, hopefully some part of it helps. It seems to me some of us are just more prone to depression. I think of it like an old injury that flares up... I've talked to a therapist about this and she thinks it's at least partly due to my mom. She's a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. I'm not exactly sure of the cause and effect but people with a schizophrenic parent have a higher likelihood of developing depression. I say this to help show that depression isn't something to be ashamed of or hid. Chuckle, it's not a choice So doing what you did here and post about it is one of the best things to do. Depression lives in a dark lonely place, talking about it helps pull us away from it. Suicide.... what a sad thing... and such a dark place to be at.. about ten years ago I tried to OD on some over the counter things...No need to go into the cause, but I was in that dark place where the big scale of life in my head had shifted to "Not worth it" . I was taken to an emergency room, drank charcoal crap... yuck.. and then spent a week in a psych ward.. After a long time of just being numb, I started to feel again and then at some point felt good again. Friends helped.. I actually ended up moving back to the state I was from and seeing old friends. As time went on I really came to an understanding of how low I was and that life had gotten better, from then on it was this reference point in my life, "that's bottom John, remember it". It really helped keep things in perspective. Don't take away the option for life to get better. You have no way of knowing what life will be a few years down the rd. And yes I've had that thought.. "I'm glad I failed, I wouldn't of had a chance to (fill in blank) and this makes me so happy." So do what you can to just take it off the table, I've had other low points since then and some of them have brought me really low again, but I just told myself it wasn't an option. Other than these "thinking strategies" medication does help. I've been on an antidepressant for over a year now and I can absolutely say it's helped . Do I still have that old depression injury.. yep, but it helps. Flares up less often and less intense I guess my last piece of advice is yah life can suck, oh boy can it... but life can also be pretty sweet. Find more of the good stuff, let go of more of the bad stuff. Good luck and find people to talk to, feel free to drop me a message if you're feeling too low. No worries really.
