You don't sound gay to me. Obviously, I'm going by what you said here, but it seems pretty cut and dry. Sounds more like insecurity, maybe, or performance anxiety. I would suggest therapy and medication. Do you have any friends? What is your relationship like with them? Of course you're not enjoying masturbation! You're stressed out and distracted! This is not about being gay or straight. I'm curious what someone like Jung or Freud would say, or what a hallucinogenic journey/meditation would turn up. I think there might be more to this story than simply "OCD", especially if this is something that's followed you around for a while. Also, just because you see similarities between your story and mine doesn't mean you'll end up in the same place. What about romantic attractions?
Just to answer this part of my message. I was discouraged to have sex etc. No sex before marriage etc. I didnt lose it until 20, well I say lose it. It was more a lot of foreplay with no oral and me putting it in for 5 mins for her to say it hurts and we stop. Due to her own past and my being afraid of rejection from her our sex life wasn't great, went on for 4 years that. Of blue balls, I had never climaxed with her as she was not comfortable doing stuff yet, and it never lasted long. I would usually just watch porn or do it right next to her while asleep. My latest ex was great in terms of sex though. But I digress. In terms of naked online girls. It was weird I was on a site that usually has clad women in background. And I guess it triggered a reaction not enough to be nausea but it was similar to anxiety but without being anxious. It was like a trigger. When it just kept happening. I slept with a girl in September was drunk but I was keen. There was nothing, it was the morning after that I thought about the trigger than it happened. Funny as I was a bit disappointed that she ran off, I wanted to go again.
Thanks for engaging with me. It is interesting. And you're likely right I'm too stressed to be enjoying anything. I've literallt been in bed just with no rest jn my mind. I have quite a few trusted mates, but don't really want to discuss the matter. I worry that I will give off the wrong impression. I've only told one mate about this and he thinks I need a change of environment and not be in a prison if my mind in my room. I lost my job three weeks back so I'm not using my time well. And I mean no disrespect about comparing our stories it's all part of the checks it's the reason why I'm here if I'm honest, I've asked the same questions on several other places etc. Also I'm interested to hear more about your 2nd part. That there is more to the story than ocd? If you wanted to go deeper, ai have a thing about control. All my life I've found it hard to come to terms with the fact this world is chaos and anything can happen. It caused my intrusive thoughts as a kid (parents, health, school etc) and I would do rituals to feel some semblance of control. Worst one has been my fear around my health, can't tell you the amount of times I've been the doctors and hospital to reassure myself Initially that was the fear with my sexuality, not so much becoming gay or bi but things just suddenly changing out of nothing like I never had control. It's partly what led me down the rabbit hole. If you had something else in mind let me know.
Do you suppose this phase shall pass? And in my case, I'm not sure sure it was (just) OCD. I'm diagnosed with several anxiety disorders, which might have made the problem worse than it was, but wasn't always so open with my attractions. Part of that reason was that, like you, I wasn't allowed to explore those attractions! I just knew that certain thoughts and behaviors were a big no no, growing up in a conservative environment, and I learned to use certain words against others (a few that had been used against me). I don't think it was very effective, though, trying to assimilate into the macho world of straight men, and I'm sure a few saw right through me. When people would ask if I were straight, I'd hesitate and go, "Uhm, sure. I guess." I didn't have a girl crazy phase, desire marriage, or any of that business. The women I was attracted to turned out to be androgynous or butch lesbians, tomboys, etc. Who knows if a part of that involved knowing they were unavailable? Like, its one thing to be turned on by someone's body, but another to desire a relationship with them. There are folk who have been in marriages for years. They can be aroused, and obviously feel something for their spouses, but at the same time, are unfulfilled. Sometimes it takes one experience to open their eyes and know what they've been missing out on, and everything else pales in comparison. Now that you bring up control, I wonder if you feel you're losing control of your own thoughts or actions? I can tell you now, that orientation doesn't just change out of thin air. It's possible to believe you were something before, and change your mind later. Also, sexual behavior and identification are two totally different things. You'd be surprised how much diversity there is in the gay community alone, let alone those who don't assign a strict label to themselves! Crazy as it sounds, I've met straight folk who seriously wished they were gay. I'm sure if it were possible, they'd simply will themselves. Ditto for those on the site who struggle with accepting themselves. I could also see how losing a job could contribute to feeling this way. Did your thoughts have anything to do with it, or did they come after?
In terms of my job that was cut and dry. Only thing was just my co worker thought I was paranoid, which I was because I didn't want to lose it. I kept having intrusive thoughts about him (check first post for context), which was a bit awkward but didn't change much and I didn't like waking up with these thoughts (nothing explicit, but still weird) because I felt no draw or pull towards him. It's like getting thoughts of murdering someone then you see them right after. I did try to be open minded about that but all answers lead to me not feeling anything and it being instusive thoughts. It didnt help my thoughts though, it feeds on stuff on like that. It is fascinating what you say about the spectrum. And it's cool that people can be what they want to be. This forums cool, but sometimes feel there is a shift towards just telling people they are in denial or ome thing or the other. Anyway, in terms of terms, i identify as straight. I don't feel an urge to be with a man in any sense, but I doubt that sometimes due to how I've been overanalyzing it has narrowed my perception. But, deep down I know I don't want it. I've tried thinking about it but as I said just seems strange. Closest thing is the idea of doing something "taboo". I think you're right that my religious background repressed a lot of things, but I never felt an urge to explore men. A lot of the repression was around straight stuff rather than a secret longing. I think despite that I've always been a thinker or open minded so the indoctrination of that school of thought evaporated by the time i finished uni. If anything I'm in denial that I'm nno longer a devote christian. Now that has been a silent stuggle. I can see what you mean about it repressing myself to not explore sexuality. I think without it I would have been more open minded and random intrusive thoughts about being gay or men if it happened, would just be that. And i wouldn't be so insecure about my sexuality. I gave those thoughts more power than they deserved. Despite this I did get the chance to explore my attractions but in secret lol, but it was straight and in the form of porn. I used to be obsessed about European erortica and the situations they got into and the women themselves. My porn tastes were a lot more intelligent compared to now, which is just simply body parts. I think it would have been nice to be strong enough to say well so what if I ever became gay or bi, then simply continue with my life. It would be likely that I would still be straight anyway but at least acknowledging the fact nothing is ever certain would show stength. But you see with this issue I could change that with any of the fears I've had over the years(my heart, gfs cheating, my school results, my parents wellbeing, my heart etc etc). Same issue different thing. I got diagnosed with GAD btw years back. It would have saved a lot of trouble. It's what I'm trying to do now. Like meditation: just let thoughts just pass you by and they take no power, but the control thing takes over and I go back to checking. Anyway, despite this I never felt a longing to be with a man. Or felt a subconscious denial, for instance falling for a girl that is tomboyish etc. All my crushes have been women, I want to sleep with them be with them etc etc etc. I won't write poetry about it before someone thinks I'm in a "loss" stage of denial or something. It is reassuring that such things do not just suddenly change ( which intially casued my anxiety in april), but get that people have always known. I have and as far as I know it has always been women. Even despite all this even in my dreams any romance or sex is around women. Anyway, I'll stop it sounds like I'm trying to prove somethig. Let me know your thoguhts anyway?
@gravechild i forgot to answer your question about whether I feel this is a phase. For this issue I would say yes for my mental issues it may just latch on to something else.
@gravechild seeing a counsellor on Wednesday. I also masturbated the other day trying to fantasize but didn't enjoy it much due to intrusive thoughts. However I reached orgasm on the blowjob thing like i mentioned in my first post, it could be a kink. But It was a very flatlined O. I had a moment of clarity and realised it was just that. I keep trying to imagine myself bi and look at men to see if I feel anything, but other than seeing aesthetics, I don't start imagining myself with them or feel lust. It just causes anxiety and overanalysis. Of course I have been getting constant thoughts and it's bothering me. It's especially bad in the mornings, like affrimations and thoughts that I am bi or gay even though it is contradictory to my actions and feelings. I sometimes get geoinal responses which bother me. It's funny as I'm in Germany came across attractive women i spoke to and wanted to do stuff etc in my mind. I don't know if I can pm, but I'll keep you updated. What do you think of it so far?
Stop masturbating! If you are somehow a gay or bi male, it will come, but from what you've described here, it doesn't sound like it should be an issue. Why else would you think you are bi or gay? I think there's more to this story that isn't being told...
Sorry if i seem vague. What I have said is the whole thing. All my actions are due to my obsessive behaviour, but I am legitimately trying to explore my mind to see if there was anything hidden. But it always remains consistent with me being straight. For example, the hallmarks of denial like not being sexual with girls or liking masculine features etc. That is what i assume when you say there is more to the story. Is that right? Correct me if I'm wrong.
@naenaendr not sure if they pm on here. But i was keen to hear about your story. @gravechild not sure if you're still keen to answer, but i wanted to know what you mean by there is more to my story.
