some people do not even know they show hate towards others they do it so much look within what do you see a loving person or a hateful one? Love is the easier of the two I choose love
To some people, it's called Borderline Personality Disorder. or BPD. Others can also label some with narcissistic personality disorder. NPD. They say it's when people are in their own bubble, and they take in what they want to take in. They are not aware of their actions or the pain they cause. I don't' know really. It's very difficult, and me myself I don't fully know the details or signs, but those are just some things experts and professionals have pointed out.
At my core I am a concerned, loyal, and loving person. Unfortunately, that core is surrounded by a lifetime worth of fear and distrust of other people due to life circumstances...which makes me appear more outwardly hostile than I would prefer. Some people interpret a lack of ability to trust them as hating them. I'm the type of person that doesn't ever really let their guard down, and the thing about emotional walls is that it doesn't just keep other people out... it traps you inside too. I've been trying to change that recently but it's harder than I expected.
I think about this a lot. And one thing that is brought to mind is in an episode of Doctor Who, there was a part where the Doctor asked his friend, "Am I a good man?" and she said she didn't know. Later that season she stopped him and said, "You asked me if you were good, and the answer is yes. You're a good man, because you try to be." That I think sums up where I'm at. At the end of the day it doesn't matter what you are "at the core" or whether there even is a definite good or bad core to a person. Everyone is capable of both terrible hatred and powerful love. What makes you a good person is what you do. Whether you want to be, whether you try.
I'm tired of trying to be a good person. I've tried for years to show affection to my mother despite her abuse, and she said I'm an egoist and now says I'm evil. I'm tired of showing false friendly expressions in social interactions because it doesn't come natural. I'm tired of pretending to care about some friendships I'd like to cut. I'm tired of righteousness, of "socially correct", tired of (my?) faith. I'm not loving, but neither hateful. I'm obscure.