1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Why did I start this journey?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Nov 24, 2017.

  1. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I had a great chat with my sister today, and it's gotten me to look at and think about some things.

    We talked about this path of shame in my life. One thing I said to her is that I've been relatively happy most of my life, but I've carried around a lot of shame that I suppressed for a long time. I'm realising a few things from that thought.

    I was relatively happy most of my life... I felt a lot of shame about my sexuality, about who I am, about being off and strange and a bit wrong. But i was relatively happy, because I suppressed that shame. And instead I went through the motions of life, enjoying things I could, finding good and happiness where I could, holding in a lot, longing for more, but still catching happiness in the ways that I could.

    One thing I take from this is that my suppression of myself was a protective measure, I couldn't pull the shame up to the surface, it sat really deep in me, and only when I was older, stronger, more confident, was I able to take that shame out of the box and confront it.

    Another thing that came from that conversation was that at one point in my life, 10- maybe 18ish, I was ashamed of being gay, but then that evolved into being ashamed of my shame in being gay. All of this was more an unacknowledged understanding of myself, I acknowledged "my feelings for women" but I didn't quite acknowledge that I was just basically a closet lesbian.

    But then at the age of 36, I started this journey. I wanted to confront it all the shame, the discomfort with my feelings, my sense of self, the fact that yes I am different, and that I'm not "normal", and that's just who I am.

    When I say different I mean that I have had a different route to growing into my sexuality than many people may have, it was ugly, early, over sexualised at times and under sexualised at others, numb when I felt I needed to be, and uncomfortable much of the time. I viewed my body as something that could be used as currency, for love, to be liked, to please others and make them want to be with me. I wanted so much to please others. I didn't want to feel desire but there it was from a very early age, making me feel like I was just weird and wrong.

    I felt that rush of desire with my first crush, she was growing into her body and I couldn't stop thinking about her, the way she looked, the way she laughed. But I remember feeling like that desire wasn't wanted, there was no way that she'd want me to think of her that way. And it made me just feel wrong.

    I didn't want to believe that the abuse impacted me so much though. I know it now and say it now but I just wanted so much to be *normal*. I tried so hard just to be normal. But I knew I wasn't. I couldn't relate to other girls, I always felt like everyone could feel my differebtnes oozing out of me.

    Anyway, I got through lie trying to find some way to embrace who I was but I danced around then things that were hardest for me to accept. But finally, I started this journey of being honest and being me. I owe it to my daughter, that's what I realised, she needs a mom who is real about who she is. She needs to see that being yourself is beautiful. Andbeing different is really cool, and wonderful. And being honest is necessary, for everyone in your life.

    I never set out to hurt a single person but I knew that my choices would be extremely painful to my husband and myself. I knew that my past choices had brought me a lot of emptiness as well, but I couldn't live in that past, I need to live for now.

    This is what I chose and I did with a lot of mistakes, I didn't smoothly and with full compassion walk away from my husband. I tried to give compassion but also measured that with some selfishness, shutting out emotions, and distancing myself. But I don't know that I could have done it any other way.

    Wen I met my partner, I knew I had to be with her, I thought we'd not be able to stay together but I wanted to grab onto the beautiful feelings I had when I was with her. The openness, the vulnerability, the warmth, desire, the feeling that my soul was being nourished by her presence, that her skin was the most incredible thing I could touch. I always wanted only to make her happy, and to be around her as long as I could. She and her husband at the time, were open and honest and loving in the way they did the open relationship. I wasn't selfless, but I was honest and compassionate and respectful about everything. I wanted her, I wanted a life with her, I wanted more than what I thought I could have. But i always expected to walk away. When she chose me, I could have said, no, but I didn't. I wanted to keep that love.

    I don't believe that any of this makes me a bad person. Flawed, yes. But honest and kind as well. I don't believe I deserve to be sorry for who I am. I feel so msuch pain at what her ex has decided to do, but he chose it. He took the path he decided to take, I did not put him on that path.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Nov 24, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2017
  2. Lia444

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2017
    Messages:
    580
    Likes Received:
    285
    Location:
    Oxford
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hugs, you are very good at expressing yourself through words, keep it up as you can feel the difference in you the more you write it all down and process it.

    One thing my therapist keeps telling me is stop saying “normal” and “weird” as there is no such thing as normal. We are all different and no two people are the same which is what makes the human race what it is. It’s society etc that has made us believe that we should be a certain way to fit in etc and that is not the case. It is hard though to change a mind set that has been drummed into us over many years.
     
  3. looking for me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    3,791
    Likes Received:
    869
    Location:
    on the Rock, Newfoundland and Labrador
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    nothing but hugh smiles here for you hun. i like this part, "I don't believe that any of this makes me a bad person. Flawed, yes. But honest and kind as well. I don't believe I deserve to be sorry for who I am."
     
    baristajedi likes this.
  4. DesireEyes

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2017
    Messages:
    124
    Likes Received:
    124
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for sharing your story. I relate to so much if it. It gives me hope as a woman coming out at 36 who is married with kids.
     
    baristajedi likes this.