I'm not sure if its trauma that inhibiting my happiness or my sexual orientation

So, I remember my first crush that I have ever had was on a boy during preschool and kindergarten. And I also remember feeling attracted to women as well, but most of my crushes and love interests have been towards males. Looking back now, all of those crushes have felt pretty authentic, like in a: “WOW! I genuinely like them” rather than a “I guess he’s nice”. And I know people are just going to be like: "you’re probably just bi", but it feels a lot more complicated than that. My comment/question is going to be long-winded, but I’ll try to coherently explain the situation that I am in.

So to start things off, I have had boyfriends and flings in the past that, for the most part, have all been emotionally abusive to me. Unrelated to those people, I have a history of physical and sexual abuse, which will tie in a little later. I am working out all of these things in therapy.

I broke up with a past boyfriend about 6 months ago because he was Terrible and got ######. I have come to accept that I’m interested in women, so I was looking to explore my sexual identity. I stumbled upon a couple (both cis) and they were open to me exploring with them. This is my first gay experience. I wasn't into it but I didn't hate it. I think I felt that way because it was a new experience. However at the same time, I established relations with this boy from ###### who I come to deeply care about and the feelings are mutual. Once I started talking to him, everyone else kinda fell away and I found myself seeking his time and attention. Now this boy is one of the sweetest people I have ever met, probably the first male to actually respect me. And I do feel very close to him and he feels very close to me. I feel like I can tell him anything. But despite all of these feelings, I still don’t feel comfortable in committing to him and I’ve been contemplating on whether being with a male is actually gratifying to me. I don’t know, in this point in time, thinking about telling people that I have a ‘boyfriend’ makes me cringe and saying ‘she’s my girlfriend” feels more relaxing. And it has never been like that before. But being with this guy is enjoyable. I understand that my sexual trauma does affect my ability to feel comfortable during sex, but I don’t feel like I’m going through the motions when I’m intimate with him. I feel the butterflies, I am able to reach orgasm, I really like it when he's affectionate and holding his hand in public. I think he is very handsome physically and personality wise. He's just a little different from all the other men I've been with. But all the while I don’t feel 100% with him. And I feel like, if I don’t feel 100% with him--someone who is amazing, supportive, and emotionally receptive--then how could I be attracted to men at all? Why was I ever attracted to the other shitty men that I’ve been with? Was it because I'm actually attracted to males or do I have this psychological need instilled within to find male validation? It could just be my commitment issues and past experience that are inhibiting me to be comfy and happy, but at the same time, I feel like I’m suspended in this sensation that I had one 'gay’ experience and now I’m couping myself up in this current relationship. Whenever I’m with him, I’m happy, enjoying myself, and I try to spend as much time with him as possible. But when I’m not with him, sometimes I have these moments like now where I feel: maybe I’m unhappy because I’m actually more gay than I think I am? I really don’t know. I know that I should counsel 'professional' advice, and I do, but I feel like there's potential to connect with people on here. thanks for reading to the end if you did xx

 

Wow, this response was really soothing and very insightful. Thank you for taking the time to respond! I appreciate it immensely.

I’ve always recognized that my sexual assault trauma and emotional abuse history have made it very difficult for me to feel like I can genuinely connect to people. And aside from being an introvert already, I have very few people whom I actually allow in my inner circle. I guess meeting someone who actually gives me the space to feel comfortable with myself has opened the door to feel the sensations of trauma, which I have before but never this intensely. Never so much that I wasn’t able to push it down deeper within me and just carry on. Never so much that I would rather break off things with this person whom I do care about because my emotions feel so out of control. While I think that I may have feelings and interests towards women, I think its clear that the first and foremost thing I should worry about is actually dealing with the trauma that I’ve carried for decades. I think you’re right, I need to understand what and why my relationship with sex is the way that it is. A thing that I noticed is that I’m attracted to men who are incredibly sexual and are a little rough in bed. Which isn’t necessary a bad thing, but I think that could be in conjunction to reliving my past experiences/relationships just like what you were saying.

I realize that sexual identity can alter overtime and I shouldn’t sweat about it, because at the end of the day, if I enjoy romantic intimacy with someone who also makes me feel safe, then it shouldn’t matter what gender or sex that they are. I think the threesome situation I was with didn’t feel right because I’m not a threesome person, and don’t get me wrong the girl was absolutely sweet & beautiful, but she isn’t the type of woman that I’m attracted to per say. So I can’t help but question the possibilities. I know the only answer is to explore, but I feel bound to this boy that I’m with. Which I’m happy about, but terrified because of my now understood commitment and sexual barriers. I don’t want to hurt him at all. But there are too many questions.


I think I know what steps I need to take, and thanks again for taking the time to respond to my first post (and I’m sorry that this response is so long!!). You really got the gears turning in my head. And I guess the best course of action is to be honest with myself & him, and just see how things go. I wish you all the best. <3