Things with my husband have settled since I posted the thread 'Scared for my safety.' He is still in a lot of pain but coming out to my parents helped because him and my dad have been talking a lot. My dad is helping him stay focused on the kids and their well being. I feel like it is a slow and painful death, like waiting for my straight life to die. Coming out to myself was huge, then to my husband, now my parents, but my life hasn't changed and it isn't going to until our one home sells so we can pay off his parents who lent us money to buy the house we are in. To afford to live on my own is going to be a huge shift. So much planning is entailed. It could be a year until I get to be on my own. To imagine waiting that long before actually coming out to more people or being able to live an out life is so hard to imagine right now. I'm doing okay, but as the days and months go on I know I will become more depressed. I don't want to stay married and have an open relationship. I don't love my husband enough or have a strong enough relationship with him to do that. I am a lesbian. I want to share my life with a woman someday. To think that will be years away now that I finally know myself is hard to face.
Aww Freda I'm sorry you are struggling, I can totally understand the frustration within you that nothing is changing despite all your efforts. Whilst no big changes can happen for a while, are there any more people you could come out to or any other small changes you could make in your day to day life that might make it feel or seem better for the moment until you can make some bigger changes?
Yes, my therapist told me I should come out to more people close to me so I may do that. It just seems almost pointless if I'm still living with my husband, but it is also a way for me to ease into everything.
I don't think it is pointless for a couple of reasons. Firstly it will allow you to your yourself entirely in more situations, you won't have to feel as though you are hiding anything or repressing a part of you. Secondly when things do change all of this other stuff will be dealt with and you will already have a support structure in place and are ready to deal with the bumps in the road on your new adventure. I also think that it means when you get the freedom you will be ready to enjoy it.
I'm glad to hear that things have settled in your day-to-day life, but sorry that you're feeling down about the long term. Every thing that you do towards setting up your independent life is a step towards where you want to be, so try to focus on that and see each step as progress. I appreciate that it might feel frustrating until your house sells, but you can be planning and researching for what you're going to. I can relate to your feelings of a happy time seeming so far away, and it's easy get stuck in seeing it as one big change and so far away, that it feel it'll never happen. For me it goes up and down, sometimes a month feels like a long time to be staying in my relationship, and other times the thought of changing anything within the next six month feels scary soon, without enough time to plan and organise. In general, I find that focussing on the things I'm doing in the present helps, such as work, which is securing my financial independence, and doing things with my daughter. I still have moments when I feel down, but it does help and I stop thinking about my sexuality so much. At times, I really have felt that overwhelming sense of happiness being so far away. I know how easy it is to get lost in that feeling and lose sight of what's positive in the present. The sense of feeling that it's so far away can make the feeling of being trapped more intense. You can always post on here.
Don't lose sight of the progress you have made to this point. Huge progress. Sometimes the biggest hurdle is actually knowing where we want to be, and you seem to have that nailed down...good stuff right there! And I agree with the others about spending some time now researching for the life you want for yourself. There's no reason even though you are stuck in the house right now that you can't look at apartment listings, prices etc. I think this sort of thing will help to keep you future oriented. And actually a year is a good amount of time if you want to pick up an extra part time job to put away some money. And now is a great time to find a side job, retailers are still hiring for Christmas. Added benefit of this is that you will meet new people, not saying you will meet new best friends, but socializing at all even just at work is usually a mood booster. I'm sure your therapist will be a great support through all of this. But I think it can only benefit you to build up your natural supports now too. I know it's a catch phrase but I really do think we all need a village to help us along! All the best to you.
Thank you for sharing, makes me realize I'm not the only one in this boat. Best of luck to you in your journey
Thank you, great advice. I have started to look at rental properties. I'm meeting with a financial planner next week. Little by little I need to piece together what my options are and how to take the next steps when the time is right.
Telling people you can count on definitely helps. Even if you don’t discuss it that much with them it helps to know you have people behind you if you ever need their support.
