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I hooked up with my straight friend. What should I do now?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by PJ94, Nov 21, 2017.

  1. PJ94

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    I apologize because might be a bit long, but i think that I think the context it's quite important. I'm a 22 yo bi (I like guys mostly tho) guy and the other guy is a 18 yo (!) straight guy. So I met this boy around two years ago, he was the then boyfriend of the little sister of my best friend's boyfriend (what? lmao). We all got along quite nicely even tho they were four years younger than us. We would usually go out with them every time her boyfriend tagged along with us, so we got to know them rather well.

    About a year ago this guy (I'll call him Alex) and his then gf broke up and around the same time my best friend broke up with her bf, but we kept in touch with Alex because we actually started being friends with him.

    So in the past year we became real good friends (not like best friends but close ones) and we would hang out almost every weekend and some days of the week. But in the past like two months I've started to feel things for Alex (of course this had to happen), it began slowly but it became a full on crush, but I decided to not act on it out of not wanting to ruin my friendship with him and because he is 18 and I'm 22, so it's quite weird and even inappropriate.

    I should describe him now. He has always been really cool to me. He's kind, goofy and funny. He's nice with everyone, he makes friends easily. He has the funniest laugh in the world (I swear is uncanny how much it resembles to Spongebob's). He's really tolerant and supportive of LGBT people. He is just really a great friend and someone who's nice to spend time with. He likes to take care of how he looks (clothes, hair, etc). Because of this some people just assume he might be gay, but since he have always have had gfs I never thought anything of it. Al though in retrospective, a mutual friend told me that I should go for it when I told her that I was falling for him, so this should've told me something.

    This takes me to last weekend. We went out for drinks with some friends. We started at like 4 PM at a friend's backyard. We were like 20 people there. We got drunk and he started fooling around with some girl, so I (to my utter later embarrassment) started to get jealous. I was talking to a friend telling him that I hated feeling that way towards Alex and that it wasn't even his fault, he was just a single guy kissing a single girl at a party, but got mad anyway. After a while, at like 9, we moved over to another friend's house, but there was a mix up and the guy that it was supposed to take us there left without us so we spent the money we had left on a cab and dinner. When we arrived to our friend's house we kept drinking and partying. So after a while the party died, but we stayed with our friend, since both of us were supposed to stay over. Our friend went to bed upstairs to his room so we were alone downstairs. By this point we were both really drunk. I was really controlling myself and I was doing fairly good, until I told him that I had a little crush on him, he took it lightly but after a while he started to talk closer and closer to my mouth so I finally I couldn't resist and kissed him. Needless to say I was thrilled and, well, turned on. But what really surprised me was that he was into it as well. After making out for a while things got out of hand. We had sex and he asked me to top him, and even tho we were both drunk I could tell he had done it before, just by the way he moved. I asked him a few times if he really wanted to do that, and he said yes. Afterwards we fell sleep until his mom called him and asked him to come home that second since he didn't actually asked for permission. Since we had no money he said that he would walk home. But we live in a really big city, one of the world's biggest, we were far far south and we both live near the center, so he had to walk like 10 km and pass through some really dangerous neighbourhoods, so naturally I told him that I would go with him. The whole walk home (literally like 2 hours) we didn't talk about what happened but we where friends as always, we were laughing and making jokes, but the thing is that we where still drunk.

    Later on the day, after we both have gotten home, I texted him asking him if he got into too much trouble. He took hours to text me back saying that he did. Then he told me that he couldn't remember a thing from most of the night, neither getting to our second friend's house nor walking home in the early morning. I noticed that he wanted to pretend it didn't happened so I did pretty much the same. I told him that I could only remember the walk. Then he told me that he won't be going out in a long time, not in a rude way or anything, but because of his parents. I told him that I also wanted to slow down on partying and focus more on school and stuff. Even tho he was being nice, it was obvious that there was a huge awkwardness between us. His responses were short and far from each other. I tried to talk to him as usual, changing the subject to tribal stuff to like not make it weird anymore, but he didn't even opened my last text. That was last Sunday and we haven't spoken since then.

    I'm really bummed out. I don't really have boyfriends or girlfriends, and I rarely develop feelings for people. But I did for him, even before I knew he was curious/bi/gay or whatever he is and even before I even kissed him. I think that's why is hard on me, because I actually care for this guy, and even if i fell for him (and I think that I still am) I appreciate him too much to lose him. But now after this happened I only feel regret and shame. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I would choose his friendship a thousand times over any romantic-type relationship. But I don't know what do. I'm also really freaked out because of how young he is. I mean it's not like he is 15 and it's illegal, he is even turning 19 in two weeks, but still I feel like it's not right to do that kind of stuff with a guy 4 years my junior, more when we went out together and instead of looking after my younger friend I got hammered with him and had sex afterwards. I guess my question is what should I do? Should I give him space and wait for him to talk to me? Should I just accept that I messed up my friendship with him? I'm kinda loosing my mind, I stalked him on Insta earlier today and only got sadder.

    Again I'm sorry for length, I guess I also needed to rant a little.
     
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  2. Graywolf94

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    I'm going through something similar. I had sex with my "straight" best friend a couple of months ago but we grew closer and we both agreed we wanted to do it again. The thing is he had a girlfriend and she broke up with him because she fell for someone else. His reaction was to tell me he never wanted to be with me again because he felt that it ruined his relationship, though he was the one who made the move. Yes, I developed feelings for him but we stayed friends because as you said, I'm not willing to lose his friendship.

    I find myself thinking about him frecuently but It won't change anything what happened. What I've been doing is trying to keep my mind busy, just try to relax, don't overthink it and you should wait for him to come to you, it could be possible he's overlwhelmed right now. Give him some time to find himself and if he's a true friend you'll both work out the situation. It will be hard at the begginig but with the days it will get better. And I don't think you should worry about the age gap, what you did happened because you both wanted it.

    Just my thoughts.
    By the way, I can see we both speak spanish.
     
    #2 Graywolf94, Nov 22, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2017
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  3. GodlyArmadillo

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    I think right now, you should give time some time. (¡Dale tiempo al tiempo!) He might be pretending nothing happened, and if he is, he's probably still processing it. Let him process.
     
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  4. Jackie Ray

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    Unfortunately each case is different, these best and most passionate sex Ive ever had has been with friends. This may only enhance your relationship.
     
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  5. kdingle1

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    I have given my straight friend bjs before, more than once. He is as straight is but he says he does it to help me out and I believe him cause sometimes it doesn't work. We are very close, and all he says is don't make it weird. I don't and everything is normal between us. Just live your life
     
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  6. Jackie Ray

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    Wow, you're a great friend, but I don't think he's straight.
     
  7. Biguy45

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    Wish I had a friend like that. I love giving oral but don’t have a lot of experience. I’m sure he isn’t straight though
     
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  8. kdingle1

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    just because you let a guy give you head doesn't make you not straight. You get drinking and your guard gets down and things happen. I just think he is comfortable with himself and who he is. I have never heard him say some guy was hot, but he does hug me whenever he sees me, but that doesn't mean anything. I have had the same thing happen with 2 other guys, of course drinking involved. It doesn't mean anything as long as you understand all it is.
     
  9. Biguy45

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    Generally,having sex with men makes you bisexual at least, but maybe not. It’s none of my business. If you enjoy it and he does too, it doesn’t matter what you call it. I’m probably just a little jealous
     
    #9 Biguy45, Nov 25, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2017
  10. Jackie Ray

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    Aaaahhhh.....I dont know, sounds pretty gay to me.
     
  11. PJ94

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    Thanks to everyone how replied! I'm in my finales week so I haven't been able to reply as fast as I would've liked to. But there's an update on whats going on if you're interested :slight_smile: . I tried to talk to him as usual but he didn't answer me back again so I stopped trying. I thought I would just give him more time then, but now I found out he's having a birthday party and of course he didn't invite me but then I found out he even invited friends that are a lot closer to me than they are to him, like from my group of best friends. So it's obvious he know I would find out if he invited them, but why do it? I mean, I get if he's mad but trying to make me feel bad it's not quite nice tbh. I also found out he's getting back with his girlfriend, the one he broke up with a year ago, and that he literally called her the same Sunday everything happened. So I'm pretty sad at this point, I don't even know what do I feel. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to read it and reply!
     
  12. kdingle1

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    holy shit, it is only sex, who cares between what gender. I would question his true sexuality by the way he is acting towards you, unless of course he thinks it is all your fault, and you led him into it. He did it because he wanted to and now he is freaked out. Maybe he should read some stories on this site, this kind of thing is not uncommon. Maybe I have just been lucky the 3 guys I have been with have been comfortable with themselves. Please don't be sad, you didn't do anything wrong, it may not be easy but just move on.....you will be ok
     
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  13. Confusedfellow2

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    Hey there, my goodness that's an interesting situation your in...you met this guy and you thought he was straight then bang! All it takes is him to get drunk and he bottoms! So obviously he is either Bi or gay from that experience, being drunk is not a valid excuse when you choose to have sex with the same (as a straight guy) sex and anal penetration by another man...I have fallen for a straight guy (also named Alex haha, except sadly for me he is straight without a doubt no curious moves or anything) and his 21st birthday (we are in the US) was this week he got black out dunk and even at that point he would not have let me have sex with him. (not that I tried to) Continuing to be friends with a guy that you love is pure torture. I would recommend you give him some space but he should come around eventually to you as you both like each other and he should feel inclined to accept his sexuality for you because he will realize that you are so important to him, he would be a fool not to. Its one thing if you guys just made out, but you had full on anal sex with this guy and he liked it yes? So he just needs time to accept himself then he can come to you. And if he doesn't then that is his mistake, but trust me you don't want to have him as just a friend that is too painful and awkward. ​
     
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  14. LordCJReed

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    Give him time and space, this is a big thing for both of you. Don't pressure him things will pan out as they're meant to but be prepared that there could distance for sometime.

    All the best and I hope everything works out for the best!
     
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  15. Barbatus

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    Hi PJ94,

    Sounds like he might be reacting by trying to be a 'normal' straight guy again. Getting back with his girlfriend (or trying to to, are they back together?) may just be him trying to convince himself that he is straight. And the same with not inviting you, he's trying to bury his head in the sand. He is probably very confused and uncertain right now. He clearly has feelings for you but can't or won't acknowledge them.

    So sorry to hear about how he is behaving and it must be difficult for you. One thing that might be tricky for him is to explain why he hasn't invited you. By treating you differently he risks making it obvious something it up. Most of the advice given about giving him space is right I think. Its probably the best thing to do as you cannot rush the process for him (and ultimately, it will be up to him to decide whether he accepts he is not straight).

    For yourself, maybe just take the opportunity to focus on your exams and once they are done, keep yourself busy with your other friends. What about your best friend? Could you speak to her about this?

    Sorry if that is not very helpful. I think you are doing the right thing by giving him space and I hope it gets resolved but I don't think there is much you can do except take care of yourself.
     
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