Decisions

Aww I just want to give you a massive hug. You have nothing to be shameful about, C is the monster and you are fighting for who you are and you have the right to love and be who you are. Have you ever told anyone about C? Maybe getting that off your chest might help close the door on it? No one should have to go through anything like that and I can’t imagine how hard it was for you growing up. Hugs.

 

Isn't it sad that it's so easy to torture ourselves by instinctively taking responsibility for events that were completely beyond our control? As the holiday season barrels towards us like a freight train, my ex has begun the manipulation and mind games that I used to fall for, and I am realizing more and more how she played that sense of responsibility to get me to distance myself from my family and focus all my energy on her. Her happiness seemed like my responsibility, even though it was an unattainable goal because, like Johnny Rocco in Key Largo, what she really wanted was, simply, more.

I certainly was well programmed. My mother had some definite problems when I was young and I learned far too early to accept dramatic mood swings and unexpected fits of anger and normal; my father was bitter and unhappy and isolated, and gave me the "responsibility" of listening to his misery every time we were alone. Every bad thing that happened in our family somehow became my fault and my responsibility to clean up, so of course when I wanted to create a new family of my own, I didn't have the knowledge to stop myself from doing it all over again. And along the way I buried any indication that there was anything about me that would make anyone uncomfortable or draw attention to myself, because when you are responsible for everyone else, you lose a big chunk of yourself along the way.

I still struggle sometimes with thinking that things are my fault, but I am learning. My ex used to tell me tearfully that she would miss my extended family if we split. Now that it's obvious that she is still welcome, she suddenly has to work every Thanksgiving and can't make the festivities until late, so she can make a grand entrance and complain about the best food being gone or how much her feet hurt from waitressing all day. Two years ago I would have sat there and felt scolded and miserable, and blamed myself for her misery. I'm not playing the game this year. Like you, I have found someone who doesn't try to make his happiness my responsibility, or his misery my fault, and I am not going to waste that happiness by allowing myself to be made "responsible" for other peoples' happiness or approval. I am making the choice to be in charge of my own feelings, and not waste my energy on things that I can't really change anyhow. And to accept a part of me that I set aside long ago, because it seemed as though I had to lose my grip on myself so I could hold everyone together. No more.

 

Hey just wanted to drop in and say I'm so sorry for all that you've gone through recently. This post is so true and I'm glad you realized that you DO have a right to make that choice, and that other's actions are NOT your fault.

 

oh i so loved reading this, my heart actually burst with pride for you. you do have the right, you are a strong, vibrant, loving person. if i could give you a real hug right now, i would soo much. im so very happy for you sweetie.

 

I'm too sorry, i hope that you can find happiness someday; after all you need a long rain for see a really cute rainbow

 

Thank you for sharing your story. You are right, none of those things were your fault or a reflection of you. Still this a a tough time. Please take good care of yourself.