1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Coming out without a label

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LunaMare, Nov 11, 2017.

  1. LunaMare

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2017
    Messages:
    206
    Likes Received:
    70
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey! it's been a while since I've posted anything and things are really heading in a positive direction.
    But after more than 10 months of intense questioning (and before that doubt all through my life) I still can't seem to figure out if I'm gay or bi. I know that isn't such a long time to be questioning but I'm already completely tired of hiding the fact that I'm definitely not straight.

    I currently feel a lot more gay than bi but I have been attracted to very little people in my life and I can't say that none of these were men. Right now I can only see myself with a woman and the desire to be with women is a lot stronger than anything I've ever wanted with men but still I feel like I can't rule out that I'll ever fall for a man. I feel somewhere in between bi and gay and I know that technically still makes me bi but I feel like by saying I'm bi I'm making people believe I have certain attractions I actually don't have. On the contrary saying I'm gay doesn't feel a 100% right either.

    I'm very lucky to live in a very open minded environment and I have been able to tell this to most of my best friends. They all couldn't have reacted better and it made me want to tell more people. I live abroad so I could be completely out here without my parents finding out and that's what I'd really like for now. A while back I decided to just tell people whenever it could come up in a conversation but everytime that actually happens I back out, I only took the opportunity once because I don't know how to put it in words without explaing them my entire confusing life story. When I told my best friends I could tell them the whole story and they understand that I don't fully want to label myself. However I don't know how to come out in casual conversations without making people assume I'm one or the other.

    Does anyone have any experience with that? How did you handle this? Where did you find the confidence?
    I know that maybe I want to go too fast and it would be better to not say too much for now but I really don't feel like hiding this anymore, especially since I know that probably most people I know won't care or won't react badly. I also feel stuck and like I could never find a girlfriend as long as I don't let people know that's what I want. Feel free to share any thoughts you have on this :slight_smile:
     
    #1 LunaMare, Nov 11, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2017
  2. DirectionNorth

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2017
    Messages:
    472
    Likes Received:
    48
    Location:
    Location
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm probably not a great source, since I never really questioned my exact sexuality, I've always to an extent known I was 100% lesbian. But from my viewpoint, while keeping that disclaimer about my advice in mind- you can maybe say, "I'm bi, but I'm more interested in dating/being in a romantic relationship with women moreso than with men." Or you lean more towards women. I've seen some people say things like I'm bi, but it's 80:20, ratio of women to men. Is it that you want to be open if the right man comes along or different than that?

    Again, I emphasize I'm not the best source since I haven't had that struggle, but I thought I would put that two cents in and hope it helps you in some way.
     
    Ruby Dragon likes this.
  3. LunaMare

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2017
    Messages:
    206
    Likes Received:
    70
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for replying!! I wish it had always been as clear too me too. I think the way you suggested would be how I want to tell people (maybe without actually saying bi) but I guess I feel kind of self confident about it. Like people will think I'm either in denial about being gay or 'making a choice' by only dating women.

    I have no desire to be with a man right now and I doubt wether I ever will but I went through my life for 20 years mainly thinking I was straight (although I did have my doubts) and I definitely find some men attractive and thought I had some crushes. I'm just not sure if I was really attracted to any of the people I thought I was attracted to. It was never very strong, it just never worked out and there was always something holding me back. Many of my reason I doubted myself didn't have to do with women but with the lack of interest in most men. So I don't particualary want to keep that option open but on the other side it's not like I have felt that much more for women. It all feels so hypothetical to me right now because I've never really fallen hard for anybody but when I look at my futre now I see a women. More then wanting to keep it open I guess it's about not knowing if it is possible or not, it doesn't feel impossible to me, it just feel highly unlikely.

    Most of my fears are completely in my head or have to do with what other might think so I think I'll just have to try and get out of my head,just let things happen and not care about anyone's opinion on this but my own.
     
  4. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2012
    Messages:
    478
    Likes Received:
    178
    Location:
    South Africa
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If all else fails, you could come out as "questioning". That way, you don't choose bi or lesbian, but instead open up the possibility of dating either gender. And then, once you've figured out your attractions/found a suitable label, you can mention your label to anyone who asks, or come out to new people with your "chosen" label. Of course being attracted to the same sex isn't a choice, hence the inverted commas. You don't have to choose a label yet, because you're still figuring it out, so I think coming out as questioning is the "safe" option. It's ultimately up to you though how you want to go about this. Hope this helps :slight_smile: Good luck in your journey of self-discovery. I'm sure things will come together for you soon
     
  5. Lin1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2015
    Messages:
    1,336
    Likes Received:
    531
    Location:
    somewhere over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am in the exact same position and even though, like you say, technically I am bi, I don't fully like using the label bi as it does feel like it suggests I have more attraction to men than I do. (It's like people have that mental image that bi people like both at equal measure but in my case I would say I am 99% gay and 1% "straight".)

    What I would do is come out as "not straight". Not straight is vague enough that some people will automatically assume you are gay while others will just assume you are bi but I feel it's pretty non-committal and allows you to come out freely without labeling yourself.
     
    beenthrdonetht likes this.
  6. Quatscher

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2017
    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Munich
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Friends struggled with this on my behalf more than me. Here's how I see it.

    If you need a label—and we often do in social situations—the first requirement is that you feel comfortable wearing it. What's accurate is less less important than what's useful.

    For example, I'm not a Kinsey 6. I guess you'd all me a Kinsey 4. I'm gay, but with "more than incidental" experience with the opposite sex. I don't seek sexual contact with women, but wouldn't say no under the right circumstances. Never say never.

    But I'm married to a man. If something were to happen to our relationship, I'd probably date men. For all practical purposes, I'm gay. And adopting that label brought great peace and comfort to me. It told me I wasn't that unusual, there are plenty of men like me. That's a nice feeling. And I feel more at home among the Kinsey 5s and 6s than among the 3s and 2s, sexually. But never say never.

    So, in for a penny, in for a pound. I'm gay, and the label works for me.
     
    #6 Quatscher, Nov 20, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2017
  7. laviedadele

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I felt and feel the same. I used to say that I was between bi and gay to girls I was interested in, or "not straight" to friends. Now I have a girlfriend and I had someone say "oh right, you're gay and you have a girlfriend" and I corrected them saying "no, I have a girlfriend".

    I sometimes go round in my head telling myself to just accept that I'm probably gay, as even if I became single I would want to date women again. But I can't yet dismiss what I think was/is attraction to some guys. Regrettably, I probably do have some internalised homophobia going on deep down.
     
  8. LunaMare

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2017
    Messages:
    206
    Likes Received:
    70
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks a lot for the response and that's a really helpfull idea :slight_smile:

    That's really relatable to me! I like that idea, it lets people assume what they're gonna assume anyway and it's not my problem if they're confused about some gender I might be dating in the future because that way they were the ones who took the wrong conclusions :wink: Have you actually come out like this? how did people take that? Do they ask a lot of questions or do people generally understand?

    Thank you so much for sharing that! It felt really good to hear that it's ok to label yourself how you want to label yourself without it being 100% accurate. I'd say I'm a kinsey 4 or probabely even 5. Thanks for taking some of the pressure of labeling myself correctly away :slight_smile:

    That's a great way of correcting people! How did girls generally react when you said you are between bi and gay?

    [/QUOTE] I sometimes go round in my head telling myself to just accept that I'm probably gay, as even if I became single I would want to date women again. But I can't yet dismiss what I think was/is attraction to some guys. Regrettably, I probably do have some internalised homophobia going on deep down.[/QUOTE]

    That's EXACTLY how I feel! and yeah I think I have some internalised homophobia going on too or at least I had for 20 years and it's hard to get past that. I never had anything against gay people and I was a pretty loud supporter of gay right but for some reason I just couldn't be gay myself, I didn't even want to think about it and I ignored it even though I knew it very deep down.
     
  9. sunnyskies

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2016
    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    New Zealand
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi LunaMare,

    It sounds like you're in the exact same position as me. Like you I'm struggling with whether I'm technically Bi or Gay; I am attracted to women quite considerably more than I've ever been attracted to men. Men don't really even register on the Richter scale for me and I know my heart seeks a woman. But, like you, I feel like I can't rule out potential attraction toward some select men. I've been attracted in the past (I think, though not to the same degree as with women) and I could be again. I don't feel like I'm Bisexual because that would imply that I desire men, which I do not, but I don't feel entirely comfortable with Gay either because it to me feels in some way misleading. The dilemma, right!

    Like you I also have spent so much time trying to figure it all out (years in my case) and like you I'm so tired of holding these feelings inside; it's not getting me anywhere. I've told my close friends and my immediate family and all of them have been supportive. And yet I can't seem to cross that line in the sand where I'm open about it to other people in my life. The lack of a suitable label makes it feel like I have to wait until I've figured everything out before I am allowed to take another step. But I'm so tired of waiting!

    The advice I've been trying to give to myself is that labels don't really matter. I like girls. I want to date girls. So what if I'm not entirely sure about men; right now I know that I'm not interested in dating men. Something might change down the line, I'm not ever going to know for sure, but right now for all intents and purposes I'm pretty damn Gay. So why waste my time trying to wait for a label I might not ever be entirely sure of?
    The dilemma on how to express this to those around you in a succinct and accurate manner is a tricky one. But why not just state that you like girls? Or that you're mostly gay? Or that you prefer women?

    Perhaps you feel, like me, that labels are a permanent fixture. Something that is hard to alter when it's attached, or something that defines something about you to other people. But what I'm coming to accept is that sometimes there isn't an accurate label for everything. One word can't often describe the complexities of something, let alone sexual preference. For some people it does, and that's fantastic, but for others, like you and me, it's a little more complicated than that, at least for the moment. Who knows, maybe once we start being more open about it and dating lovely ladies we might become confident with one label or another.

    For now, I'm trying to be okay with just "Likes girls". It takes some of the pressure off yet is still an honest reflection of myself. Hopefully one day soon I can feel a bit more comfortable being more open about it with the wider circle around me! Heaven knows it's getting awfully stuffy in this closet! x
     
    #9 sunnyskies, Nov 22, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2017
    fireami likes this.
  10. sunnyskies

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2016
    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    New Zealand
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Also:

    This is precisely the same with me x
     
    #10 sunnyskies, Nov 22, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2017
  11. Biguy45

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2017
    Messages:
    1,295
    Likes Received:
    477
    Location:
    United states
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I understand the struggle. I know that I’m not straight, but I’m definitely not gay. That leaves bi I suppose. I’m probably a 2 I guess on the Kinsey scale, but that is solely sexually. I have not had any romantic feelings toward men, just strong sexual ones, though probably less so than for women. All that could change at some point I suppose, but that’s where I’m at for now. It actually feels pretty good
     
  12. SeulgiBunny

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2017
    Messages:
    106
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Venezuela
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Well, you sound kinda like me; i used to questioning for two years until i discovered finally that i was lesbian
     
  13. LunaMare

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2017
    Messages:
    206
    Likes Received:
    70
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Wow this felt really good to read and so relatable so thank you for that!! I'm sorry you've been going through this for so long. I can't imagine how frustrating that must me because I'm already so tired of it and it hasn't even been a year. I read some of your other threads and I feel like I'm almost in the exact same position. I think at this point I'm starting to accept that I'll probably never fully know or at least until I've had a lot more life experience but the biggest problem is not knowing how to put it into words to tell other people.

    Today I actually told another group of friends, but not so close friends. I just had the perfect chance to bring it up in a conversation and I went for it. I know that it will kind of start spreading now and I just told them I wanted a girlfriend but I know that they will see this as me saying I'm gay. I'm probably going to specify I'm not ruling out guys for a 100% but for now it just feels so good to have said it and some of these people are gay so they promised to take me to a gay bar hahaa :slight_smile:

    I'm not living with my parents right now (only during vacations) and I know this will never reach them so I'm ok being 'out' where I live but I feel very uncomfortable telling my parents without a fixed label because even though I know they will eventually be ok with it, I know that if I imply I have any doubts they won't completely take me seriously :frowning2:

    Thanks for your reply and I which you the best of luck finding the confidence to tell your extended group of people in your life
     
    #13 LunaMare, Nov 23, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2017
  14. LunaMare

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2017
    Messages:
    206
    Likes Received:
    70
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for sharing this, it's crazy how clearly sexuality is often not as black and white as we are thaught it is

    It's so great that you figured it out :slight_smile: Hopefully I will too someday
     
  15. beenthrdonetht

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2016
    Messages:
    1,315
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    We should frame this and post it where everyone could see it.
     
    hufflepup and LunaMare like this.
  16. fadedstar

    fadedstar Guest

    I often consider the possibility of identifying myself as "not completely straight" when/if people inquire about my sexuality and just letting them deal with the confusion/discomfort of not knowing exactly how to pigeon-hole me. Why should we compromise our own integrity for the comfort of others?
     
    LunaMare and beenthrdonetht like this.
  17. hufflepup

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2017
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I related to this whole thread so much! I have been attractioned to/had crushes on relatively few guys over the past 20+ years, and I don't feel like I can dismiss the possibility of being with a man in the future. At the same time, my acceptance of my attraction to women has grown over the past few years and now I feel mostly gay. I'm also pretty sure I fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum which adds another layer of complications in figuring things out.

    I definitely don't feel straight, and I feel really close to being ready to come out. The label thing trips me up though. Currently, I feel pretty comfortable calling myself gay or bi in my head. I know that not everyone may agree, but I see gay as being somewhat of an umbrella term (as well as queer, but I think some people are uncomfortable with the reclamation of that word). I wish there was a better way to say "not straight" that would encompass those who are questioning or don't want to be boxed in by a label.

    I'm personally leaning towards coming out as bi because I think it expresses my feelings the best. I worry about being expected to date men, even though I don't really see that in my future. In the end though, my sexuality (as I currently understand it, haha) would fit into the definition of bisexual. I can't control what others think, and I could always explain more if I feel like it.

    Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in what others will think, but I keep trying to remind myself that this is my journey. It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. I just need to get to a point where I am comfortable with who I am so I can start living my truth.
     
  18. LunaMare

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 27, 2017
    Messages:
    206
    Likes Received:
    70
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I know what you mean! I think I'm somewhere close to demisexual and it really complicates things because I'm never really sure if whatever attraction I feel is really sexual attraction. I really like the word queer and that's what I identify with most these days but the word isn't really used where I live :frowning2: You're right, this isn't about other people and their opinions, we'll figure it out!! thanks a lot and good luck tot you too
     
    hufflepup likes this.