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To tell or not to tell

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ConfusedTi, Nov 22, 2017.

  1. ConfusedTi

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    Hi everyone, I really need some advice. I have had a crush on a colleague for a few months now. She is the 1st crush on a woman I have had since I repressed my feelings in high school. She knew me as a straight person until I came out to her. She is into women too and she is out but nobody else in my life knows. I feel like it is increasingly becoming obvious that I do like her from our interactions. However, I think that it is possible that maybe she thinks that I am doing it for attention or to lead her on. I don't know if I should tell her how I feel but make it clear that I don't want to pursue a relationship for a lot of reasons (the major one being that I am not out and she is). I would rather stay friends but I want to take the weirdness out of our friendship that I feel that my feelings are causing. Is it a good idea or should I just keep this to myself.
     
  2. SeulgiBunny

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    I don't know, you should tell her that you're lesbian and see how she reacts before to tell her that you love her.
     
  3. Woodswoman

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    Hi there! Being someone on the opposite side of your issue (I have a crush on a friend at work who is not out, but interested I think), I'm tempted to say YES, tell her! However, since you don't want to pursue a relationship, maybe it would be best to keep things light. Maybe throw out a compliment about how good-looking she is, but immediately follow with something that makes it clear that you're not 'on the market' so to speak.
    Are you single? Do you actually want a relationship, but are afraid that people will find out?
     
  4. ConfusedTi

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    She knows about my sexuality.
     
  5. ConfusedTi

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    I hear you about making it light but I feel like complimenting her and then seeming unavailable is confusing and contradictory. I also thought there is no point to saying something if it doesn't lead to a relationship but I want to be able to complement her but without feeling like I am sending mixed signals.
    I just got out of a really long relationship with a man, the father of my son in fact so I am not looking for something serious. Besides, I have never dated a woman and I wouldn't really want to make her my experiment/rebound. I care about her and I don't want to hurt her.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    In a way if you don't want a relationship I'm thinking what is the point in telling her but at the same time I do understand that you want her to understand what's going on and that you are not unjust being rude or funny with her. Maybe you could tell her you are sorry if you have been acting differently or a bit off but you have had some stuff going on but you don't want it to affect your friendship.
    I'm not saying you should want a relationship I totally get your reasons and they are very logical. My openly question would be if she ended up with a girlfriend would you regret not telling her and feel like you had wasted an opportunity?
     
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  7. ConfusedTi

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    Maybe I will try that. It doesn't make sense to talk about your feelings if nothing is going to happen I guess. I think I just wanted the freedom to be myself without feeling like I have to sensor what I want to say. I find myself overthinking out interactions because I don't want it to seem like I am sending mixed signals. I have been on both sides now and I realise that there are some people that I wish would reciprocate how I feel about them but I also don't want to be someone's plaything.

    To be honest, it would suck if she got a girlfriend. I already find myself sometimes jealous of her straight friends when she talks about them. But I just l think the timing is not right. Besides, from the conversations we have had, it seems like she still has feelings for her ex so I don't think she is emotinall available either way. It is a complicated situation and there are days when I wish I didn't feel the way that I do about her.
     
  8. silverhalo

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    Well I don't think it's necessarily wrong to tell her, there is just no guarentee of the outcome. If you think it would be for the best then go for it.