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An update on my marriage situation

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Butterflies85, Nov 19, 2017.

  1. Butterflies85

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    Just wanted to get some stuff off my chest. Another long one sorry- I try but cant be succinct.

    My husband and I just went on a kid free weekend away together. It was terrible and I think some foundations for divorce were laid.

    After some quality time together I can usually bargain myself back into thinking the marriage can go on a bit longer and I can put my sexuality to the back of my mind focusing on the kids, and him. In the past I have enjoyed his company so It makes it easier to sacrifice my other needs to keep my family together. But this wasn't the case this time.

    Our obligatory sex was just that - obligatory. I didn't feel anything when he was kissing me, it made me feel gross to have to touch him and I fantasized about making love to a woman the whole time. I am grateful it was over quickly.

    We went and got massages and a foot spa and the whole time I was being massaged I couldn't take my mind of the soft touch of the female masseuse's hands. She would run her hands down the length of my arm and into my open palms, clasping her soft fingers between my own for the briefest moment and then back up again...It gave me goosebumps and head spins.

    He kept making little gripes, rolled his eyes when I talked or talked to me like I was dumb. I was pulling into a car park and stopped well short of the pole, to reverse and straighten up and he was like 'Don't run into the pole!" and I just looked at him and the massive gap between my car and the pole and said 'how dumb do you think I am?!' really offended and he went a bit sheepish. 'Sorry I just didn't know'....'Oh you didn't know if I would run our brand new car into a pole that is clearly there? You think I am that bad a driver?" I mean you'd have to be BLIND to run into that pole. He thinks he is so superior to me and this was just evidence of this.

    I forgot to bring my wallet into the reception for our motel, and when they asked for payment, I said sheepishly 'ooops I left my wallet in the car!' he huffed and scoured angrily at me like I am useless....but he didn't have his either! I went out into the rain to get mine while he stayed in the dry reception room. He didn't even see how unfair that is to judge me for something he also did!

    He couldn't pick a movie to watch - he is soooo closed minded. If he's not super thrilled to watch something he flat out refuses to watch it at all. He is never open to watching anything I would like to see, and on the rare occasions he does watch something I want - he goes out of his way to shame me for choosing it because it turns out to be a bad movie or not to his taste.

    I would say on about 10 occasions he made gripes about some innocent thought I expressed. Causing me to question 'why are you with me?"

    On the way home we were listening to my spotify playlist and one of my girly songs came on. "Most girls" by Hailee Steinfeld - and he goes "OMG, why don't you girls just stop singing about it and go out and do something!" and I was like 'Wha?" and he started making an argument about how all us girls get together and make songs and say how we are so tough and yet never do anything with our lives. OMG!?!? I was BEYOND INSULTED! Then he tried to turn it around to sound like he just didn't like the genre of music we were listening to. Not the message the song stands for. But that is just as insulting as well. He was angry at me for liking the music i like! I mean....what? I said - "I'm not the one for you - maybe you should have married a different woman. Why didn't you marry girl who listens to heavy metal and drinks beer and loves sports like you do?" And he said 'I don't know, why didn't you marry a lesbian?" and I said "Well maybe I should have!"

    We later got to the stage where we were sitting in the car in a carpark and I just said defeated 'I can't do this much longer. You literally make me feel bad about myself on a regular basis. He argued that we never do things he likes - like go to the football or soccer and I listed at least 5 times I have done that in 10 years together. Then I asked him how many times we'd gone to see a show that i'd like....0 times.

    I said 'maybe we should just face the facts that we have an expiration date and it's fast approaching.' and he was silent.

    Later on, he opened up about how he doesn't like how negative and judgmental he is to so many people including me. How he feels disconnected from people and unhappy. We talked about how he could change that but he basically said he finds it hard to value anyone who is not rich, and that he is only interested in talking to people who have wealth because that is what he is interested in and seeking for his life. I was disgusted. I tried to explain how 'love' works and that talking to friends and family about what they are interested in is how you show your love for them. He didn't get it though and decided he should go find some rich friends to associate with to 'feel more connected to people'. yep buddy that'll solve it.

    I said again that we are not going to last....and he looked at me with sad eyes. But I had to be honest. And so I think it won't come as a surprise to him when I finally leave, and I tell you what - he is making it a lot easier to want to leave.
     
  2. Butterflies85

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    Sorry - wrote this late last night on a bit of a rant. I know it's probably not a very nice post and if I could delete it i would but cant see how :frowning2:

    I hope no one thinks badly of me for venting like this all the time....I just get so worked up and I know if i write it down in a diary he or my daughter could find it and read it and I don't feel I can turn to any family at the moment with this because lately I have felt they are getting a bit over it all.
     
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  3. Woodswoman

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    Wow Butterfiles...my heart goes out to you. It sounds like a terrible weekend, yet clarifying too. You just listed at least 8 very strong reasons that, regardless of sexuality, seem to point to the inevitable...

    After what you could call 'soul searching' many years ago, I've come to think of interpersonal relationships like this: it's like everyone has an internal battery. We get a 'charge' in many ways: through our religion/spirituality, nature, doing an activity we love, or from the energy/emotions we receive from others. Everybody needs charged up by something. Some people get what they need by taking from others. It's almost like they can't help it, IF they aren't getting charged by anything else in their lives. I think we're all guilty of this at some level. It sounds like this mechanism is all your husband knows. All of those little 'digs' that leave you feeling wounded or unappreciated seem like the only way he knows how to give himself a boost. Does he have something he really enjoys doing? Afterwards, does he treat you better? It sounds like he knows he has a problem, and thinks money will fix it. Unfortunately, money itself gives nothing. That he seeks admiration or whatever for having a lot of it is pretty shallow. I doubt being rich would be as satisfying as he thinks.

    Anyway, sorry for rambling-I could talk about this kind of stuff for hours. My advice would be to make sure you keep your own battery charged without taking from others or allowing others to take your energy forcibly. Give your kids an extra hug, tell them you love them an extra time. Compliment the cashier next time you go shopping. Take an extra minute to appreciate something in nature. Thank God or whatever you believe for something good in your life. It's amazing what you get back in return when you start consciously stringing together experiences like this in your daily life. Hopefully you can be strong enough to let the insults bounce right off of you. In fact, next time your husband does this, try projecting pity towards him instead of anger, hurt, or frustration. It really is sad that he has to put down his wife to make himself feel better. Just as I hope you can stop allowing him to hurt you, I hope he can someday learn to stop belittling others to get what he needs.
    *hugs*
     
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  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Butterflies85,

    I completely understand what you've said regarding not wanting to start a diary. That's why I post on here so much. I don't want to write anything down anywhere that my partner could find it.

    If nobody replies, it can shake your confidence in whether your post was worthwhile. I know. But, really just post what you like. It might be that people don't feel that they can offer any relevant advice or input, or even that they don't have the time at that moment to write a detailed reply (like me).

    If you want to delete a post, you need to request admin do so. It's not often that posts are deleted.
     
  5. Really

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    @Butterflies85
    Don't feel bad about writing this. It can only help getting it off your chest. I don't have any useful relationship advice but whenever I see these kinds of accounts of people's behaviour, I always think, "Would you treat anyone else this way?" Why is it "acceptable" just because you're his wife/partner/whatever? Seems to me that's who you you be trying the hardest with. Surely nobody besides those you supposedly hold closest to you count as much?

    I think, separate from your sexuality, this is indicative of a turning point. Either there is useful work to be done or there isn't. Personally, I wouldn't put up with this. I'd either state categorically that things need to change and if not, I will no longer be taking any of this negativity on.

    You need to look out for yourself. Be there for you because he obviously isn't.
     
  6. Woodswoman

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    I'm really glad you posted and I had a chance to respond lol. Obviously I had a lot to say, too. Probably too much and I always worry about judging others or giving bad advice. Feel free to completely ignore anything I say that doesn't resonate with you. As for posting, at the end of the day, whenever I post on EC, I feel better. It's like unloading at least a little bit of whatever burden we're carrying that day. And the best part - there's other people out there that are interested and genuinely care about helping you find a solution or just a healthier way of thinking about your problems. EC is kinda like a journal, but one that can talk back!
     
  7. zumbaqueen

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    Oh how I can relate to what you said. I often wonder when I will get the strength and courage to make a change.
     
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  8. Orchidea123

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    Hi @Butterflies85,
    Not even a fancy dinner, or massage, or even vacation can bring 2 souls closer..if their relationship is in trouble.. Clearly, there is a gap between you two. And that gap is making you both uncomfortable to be with each other.
    It does seem like you husband wants to have a good time with you but can not. So he may feel guilt and resentment about it, hence rude remarks mixed with guilt and off the wall comments.
    It is sad, but at the same time maybe it is better to have some things clear and realize what is best for you both.
    I am not to advice here, but, if you are struggling with your sexuality, and really want something different in life, it may be harder to decide if your husband was prince in shining armor.
    I understand the night left you feeling miserable, but at least your husband opened up about his feelings/thoughts/concerns. As ridiculous as they sounded!
    It can be a lot worse. As smooth as my marriage seems, if I address something similar with my Husb. it will promptly turn into yelling and accusations, and no real conversation at all.
     
    #8 Orchidea123, Nov 19, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2017
  9. Butterflies85

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    Woodswoman this is some of the best advice I have ever had - Thank you! You are so right about relationships and how we all have an internal battery. As I was reading your post, I realized that my internal battery actually gets drained being with him. Because I can literally feel the air of negativity around him. I know I need to let that stuff bounce off me, it is hard because it is constant low level rejection everyday, but going to doing things that charge my battery is definitely the way to survive this until I am free from him.

    I don't think it's possible that I could ever think someone is waffling on. I love long posts!! I love reading all the thoughts people have and your advice was SO WELCOMED. I love how you say EC is like a diary only better because it talks back. That is how I am going to view this. Thanks for the kind words *hugs*

    Thank you- this was so kind of you to write here and on my wall :slight_smile: I suppose, I have put up with so many years of being told to keep my thoughts to myself and that I am so long winded that I am very self conscious of it. Its like I am just waiting for someone to put me down the way he does when I open my mouth. I should know by now that everyone here is so beautiful and kind.

    Thank you - yes I often say this to him. "You wouldn't treat your clients this way" honestly I would say we have had the same conversation about 100 times where I have said his treatment of me is just unacceptable and how he doesn't treat others this way and he apologizes and says hes going to work on it but it never does. He's not a terrible person, and sees the pain he is causing me, but his default is just to go back to doing the same thing.

    Here for you- feel free to write on my wall anytime. :slight_smile:

    Yes I hear your point here and it is a valid one. I think this is why I have stayed for so long though it has made me very unhappy over the years. He is always quick to apologize, say he will change, or to say the right things. I know he is not inherently a bad person, he's just not the right person for me. Surely it shouldn't be this forced all the time. We have had our good and bad times over the years but the years have definitely left me changed in a way I am not proud of. I feel like I have lost my free spirited, gentle, passionate and creative side because he has put me down over that for years. And I feel I am not able to express myself openly not just with my sexuality but my fundamental core personality has had to change to suit him.

    I'm pretty sure he knows how unhappy I am now. I hope he just leaves me be for the next few months without trying to push me into making future plans together. I just want to see out the year for the kids sake (don't want to break up over xmas). Then move on with my plan to get work and move out. It is my hope that this time next year I am living as an out gay woman, raising my kids in a happy environment, with my self esteem restored after getting back in touch with the old me.
     
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  10. silverhalo

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    This is a brilliant post I love it. :slight_smile:
     
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  11. silverhalo

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    Everyone needs to rant from time to time, it really is better to let it out. As @LostInDaydreams said don't take it personally if people don't reply, sometimes they don think know what to say or don't have much time etc it doesn't mean anyone judges you or that you shouldn't have posted. EC also gets lots of guest visitors who often view threads but can't post so don't think people are ignoring you.
     
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  12. Woodswoman

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    Absolutely! It's so hard to make time for writing on EC for me since I can't do it at home! Butterflies it literally took me about 6 hours to complete my original response above. I'm glad you guys got something from it :slight_smile:

    Keep posting peeps!!
     
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  13. Butterflies85

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    Aww that you made that effort to reply means so much to me thank you! I’m going to make a promise with myself and all of you to stop apologising for my lengthy or vent-y posts. I think its my default mode as I’m so used to being shut down for expressing myself by my husband. Everyone here has been so supportive, kind, caring and understanding! I won’t doubt it again!
     
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  14. TrevinMichael

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    you need to be happy

    do what you need to do
     
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  15. looking for me

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    hun, i know what your talking about in your OP, had similar with my ex wife. i think you have your answer; you and possibly your kids if they're young would be better off mentally, socially, and family wise on your own. i used to think my son would be better off if i worked harder to keep my marriage together, i was wrong. he's grown so much since it's just been him and me. honestly, ive grown immensely as well, as evidenced by coming out, transitioning etc.
     
  16. Woodswoman

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    I'm with you - I like the lengthy posts and really seeing what thoughts are out there. I would post a lot more myself if I could from home! As it is, I just have work breaks, sitting in parking lots a few extra minutes at the store or work, while I'm pumping gas lol. Someday I'll bite the bullet and just get satellite internet at home but it's so damn expensive!

    To everyone who celebrates thanksgiving, enjoy your holiday!! I am super-thankful to see some family I haven't spent time with in a while :slight_smile:
     
  17. Woodswoman

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    I agree with you lookingforme. Kids are pretty cool in that they usually 'get it' when parents are open and honest with them about what's going on. Speaking from experience, kids are happier when parents are happier, together or not. Sure, they have to go through their own grieving process at first which may lead to behaviors, attitudes, etc. But in the long run, I think they are better off. I'm glad you have such a good bond with your son!
     
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  18. NeonSocks

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    Don't ever feel the need to apologize for venting your feelings. You didn't ask to be put in this situation and unfortunately, the emotions it brings with it are very raw and fluid. Some days can make you feel like you are on top of the world and finally able to see yourself for who you truly are. Other days, the guilt is so overwhelming that your heart feels like it is breaking in a way you can't begin to describe. And then there is the anger. Anger when you realize the life you imagined for yourself if no longer the life you choose. Anger at your partner when you begin to see how hard this path is for both of you and how much you need each other's support but can no longer reach for it in the same way. Anger at yourself for reasons you can begin to understand. But it does get better. And the good days do become more frequent.

    The thing of it is, all of this is hard to navigate but your feelings are entirely valid and you have every right to vent. Don't hesitate to reach out when it becomes too much to keep in. There are several of us who have been there or are in similar places. We may not be able to tell you what is best for your situation, but we will always listen and offer support without judgement.