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Is my mother ashamed of me?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Soundofmusic, Nov 21, 2017.

  1. Soundofmusic

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    Hey everyone!

    It's been a while since I posted, so just as an update, post-hurricane life is pretty much the same! It's been 60+ days and we still don't have power, communications are A BIT better but crash some days, and we still have to boil water for fear of bacteria. I'm remaining positive though and looking for jobs in NYC more aggressively than ever so I can move ASAP. So that's what's up....

    The reason I post is because the other day, something happened with my mother that made me wonder if I'm in the wrong, or if she's ashamed of me.

    I met her and my stepdad out the other night, and they were hanging out with their friend who is super cool and has actually been helping me out with my career moves, as she's a recruiter. Anyways, this lady is recently divorced so she was telling my stepdad the kind of boyfriend she wants and he goes "oh man, you and my daughter (me) are exactly the same. You both have commitment issues". And I turn to my mom and I'm like, "mom, wtf is he talking about. That's like, the furthest thing from the truth". And my mom shushes me.

    Then her friend turns to me and goes "I have a nephew who would love you! I want to introduce you, he is so handsome and well-established in his career blah blah". So I laugh it off. Then my stepdad, again, says something like "oh she's so picky with men. She only likes men that blah blah blah" and goes on a rant about how I am in relationships. Pure bullshit, since he's only ever seen me date ONE guy, and he KNOWS I'm pretty openly gay at this point.

    Anyways, I turn to my mom again and I'm like "mom, what is this bullshit he's spewing. He knows I don't like men." And she tells me "yes honey, but there's absolutely no need for you to tell ANYONE that unless someday you get a girlfriend and then we'll talk about how you are going to tell people". And I said "So you are asking me to hide who I am?" And she's like, "no, but you don't need to tell anyone anything. It's unnecessary. My friends don't need to know until you date someone".

    Granted, her friends are liberal as fuck and I don't think they'd really care, AT ALL.

    So I told my aunt and my aunt chewed my mom out. But my mom doesn't think there's anything wrong with what she said.

    What do you guys think?

    Also, re: my stepdad. He's a lost cause lol. I adore him and he raised me more than my own dad did, but he loves to make up stories and lives in la la land so I'm not even gonna bother with him.
     
    #1 Soundofmusic, Nov 21, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2017
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  2. Lia444

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    I don’t think she is ashamed of you I think it’s her way of protecting you. I think my mum would probably be the same that there isn’t much point telling everyone outside close family until I have a girlfriend etc. Maybe a small part of her thinks that until this happens then there is a small chance that you could be wrong so probably is in a little bit of denial. I guess it can take some getting used to, how long have you been out to them?
     
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  3. DesireEyes

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    Thanks for sharing. I officially came out to my husband a few weeks ago and now to my parents officially too. I have been dancing around it for many months with them all as questioning.
    My parents keep trying to convince me to remove the "gay thing" from the equation of why my marriage is ending. My marriage has been in trouble for a long time. Years of discontent and intolerable behaviour on the part of my husband, but now I had been pushing him away and it was his cooing strategy to deal. My parents keep urging me to focus on his issues for why the marriage has broken down. They make a really convincing argument too. But then I look in the mirror and know the truth. Yes, my marriage has been volatile and uncomfortable and unfulfilling and frustrating for a long time, but I never left. I didn't want to. I never wanted to dissolve my family and get a divorce. Even though I was an unhappy married woman, I was still a married woman, a mother with a family. It was my identity. I kept searching for what was missing and seeking connection and fulfillment outside my marriage, it wasn't until I fell in love with a woman when everything about the emptiness I'd felt finally made sense. He keeps focusing on the "gay thing" my parents keep saying, why can't he accept responsibility for what led you here. Ummm, mom and dad, he didn't turn me gay. They don't actually mean to say that but in a way they are saying that. They want to blame his behaviour for driving me into the arms of a woman. They don't want me to carry the burden alone for why my marriage failed. They don't want to face it. It's too painful, their first born, bearer of their two grandchildren, the daughter who always did everything by the book. How could this be happening! I'm still coming to terms with it all too and will be for a very long time as will they and the rest of the family as they begin to find out.
     
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  4. Soundofmusic

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    Yeah I think denial is definitely a factor....
    I've been out to them for almost 3 years. Haven't dated anyone in that time.
     
  5. Soundofmusic

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    Oh parents... they mean well but they sure have foot in mouth syndrome.
    I'm sorry you're going through this :frowning2:
     
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  6. Lia444

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    3 years! They’ve had plenty of time to get used to it haha definitely in denial. It will hopefully hit home when you bring a girlfriend round to meet them.
     
  7. DesireEyes

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    You too...good luck out there, both with your parents and in your search for love.
     
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  8. silverhalo

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    Aww that really sucks. I don't think they neccessarily are ashamed I just think they totally don't get it. Still really upsetting though. I'm glad your aunt tried to set your mum straight even if it didn't change anything. I'm sorry that was such a sucky conversation, you are just going to have to hurry up and find yourself a girlfriend :wink:.

    I'm sorry life is still so tough as well, it's crazy how quickly it disappears from the media even though the situation for you is still equally as tough. I really hope you get a break in New York soon. We have been missing you.
     
  9. Cinnamon Bunny

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    It doesn't sound like shame, could be wrong. It sounds like denial because they want to carry on in "normal" social exchanges and being able to relate to their friends. It's holding onto the comfort of familiarity. Its avoiding awkwardness, discomfort, and as parents maybe blame and gossip. Which is understandable, even we LGBT+ at times don't want to deal with the changes that happen socially with coming out or being honest about who we like. It bites though. They'll work it out in their own time, but feel free to call them out if they are treating you wrongfully. I'd be upset too if someone was talking about me like that, especially in front of others.
     
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  10. greatwhale

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    The moment I decided that my mother was another adult, and not just my mother, everything became easier.

    Whether she was proud or ashamed of me made no difference, it no longer mattered, let me repeat that: I am basically indifferent (unaffected, unperturbed) because I am also an adult with my own life; able to make my own decisions and take full responsibility for them.

    As separate fully grown human beings, your parents are also entitled to their own opinions. Of course they will talk about you, of course they will love you, but that does not mean they should be able to affect you to the extent of getting upset. Remember that they likely have no idea of the effect they have on you (and even if they did...so what?). You have no way of controlling what they think or how they behave, even though you and your aunt can educate them to kingdom come; they will be tenacious with their opinions, because that is how people are. By the way, this applies to yourself as well...

    Simply ask yourself what it is you, as an adult, actually need from your parents...you will find that it would be nice to have their support, but that it isn't essential. No use beating your head against the wall, you're the only one who gets the headache. You are your own person and you know what is best for you.

    Love and let live!
     
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  11. Destroyed

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    Friends and even family members who weigh you down are not worth it and a person with negativity it just takes you some time to know them. Try and counteract all this negativity with those that appreciate you, understand you and see your pain, even if you werent to mention it. Think about you dear, its not bad to be selfish when faced with such negativity. Your not harming anyone, so dont feel guilt.
     
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  12. Rana

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    Oh boy, I can tell you right now that I will be dealing with this and much worse when I come out to my parents (they're not the least bit liberal...it's going to be Armageddon). I agree with @greatwhale that we should just see their opinions as that of any other adult with an opinion which doesn't have to mirror our own. It does hurt more when we don't have parental approval, but hey, it could be worse. Take care of yourself, and try to give yourself love, that's the best we can do. ♥
     
    #12 Rana, Nov 22, 2017
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  13. Moonsparkle

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    LOL-had to laugh at this. Yup! This is my parents---making up stories to fit their 'script' and generally living in la la land. I can totally see my parents behaving the same way at dinner with their friend. With the whole, 'well there's no reason to tell anyone,' (of course there is NO REASON not to!)

    This is how I figure it with my parents- could be way off but wonder if your mom is the same?

    My parents are very old school. And they always fear that 'stuff' will come back to being 'their fault'. And believe me I know this is going to sound like twisted logic(and it is!) but this is the way they think. For instance, my brother and I are divorced (2 out of three kids) and they see this as some reflection on them. (Twisted right? like no one in real life cares who is divorced or not divorced and surely don't 'blame' the parents.) I struggled with an eating disorder in my 20's --which they also feared reflected negatively on THEM. So yeah, they were worried about me, but ALSO about how they could be held responsible. So they tried to keep it all secret. And now I am gay, again fear that they will be somehow 'implicated' in this, and have to explain to their friends. So they explain it away as my ex-girlfriend 'confusing me' and 'messing me up'. Much more comfortable to them than admitting I could come to this conclusion on my own. They would very much like it if my gayness was a secret. Very odd thought processes they have. So they live in la la land.

    They aren't 'bad' people, but they do interpret in a way that seems strange. They do love us kids in their own way, but they are almost 80 now and it's quite unlikely to be big changes in their thinking patterns now! At this point me and my siblings just laugh about their antics now.

    BTW best of luck with your NYC job search :slight_smile:.!
     
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  14. Soundofmusic

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    This is such a great perspective and I thank you for helping me look at this in a different light.
     
  15. Soundofmusic

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    HAHA if only it was that easy!

    We got power back at my job today! 67 days later! Pretty exciting.
     
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  16. silverhalo

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    Woohoo

    It's dead easy what are you waiting for?
     
  17. Soundofmusic

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    to move somewhere with actual lesbians lol
     
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  18. silverhalo

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    Actual real life lesbians haha
     
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