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Am I The Only One?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by DestinyH, Nov 5, 2017.

  1. DestinyH

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    Hi!


    So, I guess it’s safe to assume that I’m not entirely straight or else I wouldn’t really be seeking out forums like this hu? Which I’m okay with to some degree. I’ve known for a while now that I’m not as straight as I like to say I am but, yet I am way too terrified to admit to being otherwise.


    I’m 23 years old and never had a ‘real’ girlfriend. When I was in high school, around my sophomore year I became friends with this girl, we’ll call her Lucy. We became very close and would spend a lot of time together. I started to realize that I had romantic feelings for her, how cliché hu? I’ve always been afraid of love and closed off when it came to emotions of the heart. But with Lucy, it’s like she came into my life like a wrecking ball and shattered all my walls and took my heart for her own doing. Once a year into the friendship went by, I realized that my ‘crush’ had developed to much more. I was in love with this girl and let me tell you, I did not handle it well. I had a blown-out anxiety attack over it. My best friend at the time (who we will call Victoria), is a lesbian and I turned to her for advice. Her advice? To keep my distance and try moving on. Why this advice? Well simple, Lucy had a boyfriend, who was a total ass but hey she loved him right and I had to respect that. So, I took Victoria’s advice and started dating this guy I had been talking to for a while and that is when things begin to change. Lucy went crazy when she found out I was dating him and declared that she was ‘falling in love’ with me. So, what do I do? I break up with my boyfriend for her. She then continues to tell me that she can’t break up with her boyfriend because she didn’t want anyone finding out about us. Being the idiot, I was, agreed to being her not legitimate, secret girlfriend. I’m sure we can all guess how that ended for me.


    After the blowup with Lucy, I didn’t date anyone else again for almost three years. My sophomore year of college I finally started dating this guy, not because I wanted to but because I was tired of my family and friends asking why I was single or didn’t have a boyfriend. The main reason was my mom. She started making sure to take every opportunity she had to tell me that she is okay and will love and accept me if I’m gay. I panicked of course. I wasn’t sure of my sexuality (still not 100% sure of it) and scared to be anything other than straight. So, I got a boyfriend. That relationship was over with 3 months.


    Here I am two years later and single and still trying to figure out who I am. I know I’m not straight but that doesn’t mean I know if I’m bi, lesbian or whatever. At this point in my life I’ve been most comfortable identifying myself as Demisexual and I’ve only admitted that to my best friend, Lee. I guess my main reasoning for joining this forum was to seek comfort and friendship. To know that I’m not the only one. I mean at this point in my life I feel like I’m too old to even think of ‘coming out’ and then there is a part of me that feels that, I can keep it hidden. Why should I come out if I’m not in a meaningful relationship with girl? Is that selfish? Does it make me a coward? I just feel so lost and alone sometimes, like I’ll never know who I really am or find love. Because how can someone love me if I don’t think I’m capable of being loved. Am I even worth love?


    Am I the only one who feels this way?


    Sincerely,

    Destiny
     
  2. Lia444

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    23 is not old some people don’t come out until they are in their 30s 40s 50s or 60s. Some people on here know 100% what they are and are happy to go with it with little or no experience of the same sex however that isn’t me so I don’t plan on coming out until I’m actually in a relationship and know for sure. If you can see yourself with men and women and feel you need a label then why not go with bi many do this and then further down the track you can change this to lesbian if you feel this is more you. I would say I’m demisexual too which I think is why I’ve taken so long to figure out who I am as I don’t get that instant attraction and never really got close enough to someone to go beyond friends and any feelings I had for girls I told myself I just wanted to be their friend etc
     
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  3. jam93

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    23 is defiantly not to late. How so I know? because that's when I started coming out. Everybody comes to terms with these things at their own pace, so don't feel like your to later, because your not. If you need proof of this, go over to the "LGBT Later in Life" forum and read some stuff there. There are plenty of people way older then you who are just figuring this all out, and that's fine.
    As for weather you should come out or not, that's up to you. Coming out is a very personal thing, and everyone does it at their own pace. If you feel you need to be in a committed relationship with a girl first, that's fine. However, if you feel like you want to come out, don't let the fact your not in a relationship stop you. Sexuality is based on who your attracted to, not who you're having sex with at the moment. You can totally be gay, or bi, or whatever, without any experience with the same sex. If you feel like coming out, especially since it sounds like you have people around you who would accept you, then don't let your relationship status keep you in the closet.
     
    #3 jam93, Nov 6, 2017
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  4. DestinyH

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    Thank you so much for your thoughts! They mean a lot!
     
  5. DestinyH

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    I’m glad to see I’m not alone. Thank you for your input, it has given me much to think about.
     
  6. DestinyH

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    I’m glad to see I’m not alone. Thank you for your input, it has given me much to think about.
     
  7. jam93

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    That's why I posted. Sometimes you just need to hear that you're not the only one feeling a certain way. I know I sure needed to hear that at some points. Good luck, I wish you the best.
     
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  8. Biguy45

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    I’m 45 and I’ve been struggling with this off and on most of my life. I’ve always been quite happy and satisfied being with women, and I still am. At the same, I have always felt an attraction to men and fantasized about. Not as strong as my attraction to women but still there. Yet, aside from one experience with a friend when I was young, I didn’t act on it. It’s tough to figure out what to do. I’ve now been married and I’ve accepted that I’m bisexual. I am ashamed to admit that I cheated on her once with a man, in the excitement of initially coming out to myself. I’ve since decided to remain faithfull. I hope I’m successful, it does make me happier that I figured out who and what I am. Your sexuality is your own, the whole world doesn’t need to know about it, if you don’t want them to.
     
  9. DestinyH

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    I'm glad you were able to figure it out. I'm glad to hear that people of all ages are struggling with this and i'm not the only one. While i've dated guys my whole life, i've never really been with one that I was sexually attracted to. But on the other hand, I can't just look at a man or woman and automatically be sexually attracted to them. I thought that maybe there was something wrong with me and started doing a lot of research and first came across asexual, it just did not sit well with me. Then, I came across the term, Demisexual and it's like a light bulb just went off in my head and the world made sense again. For people who don't know what Demisexual is, "A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone." Which in my mind made so much sense to me. I've only been sexually attracted to three people in my life time, two being females and one male. But it wasn't until I had realize that I had very strong feelings for them. Sadly I never really did date either of the girls and the guy cheated on me so yay for me.

    I'm glad I joined this site. Until yesterday I felt so alone and lost. I mean I'm a 23 year old female, who is still trying to find herself. Which is common among those in their twenties but i've always been an over achiever. Having everything planned and having all the answers. So not knowing who I am has just turned my world upside down. I struggle with depression but got a pretty good handle on it but now I've added the anxiety and stress of my sexuality to the mix and I just feel like closing myself off from the rest of the world. it doesn't make any sense to me, why we do this. Why we get stress or anxiety over our sexuality and who we are. It's not fair but that's the kind of world we live in hu? Though things are getting better, I don't think this stage of the coming out process will ever get any easier for people.
     
  10. Biguy45

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    It isn’t easy, I know. I don’t know if I will ever come out to my wife. If I ever decide to pursue a relationship with a man, I will but otherwise I don’t think I will. t least for now, I’m just happy to be free of the anxiety and guilt. I’m happy to hear that you are coming to terms with it yourself. We are only here for s short time, being miserable is a bad way to be.
     
  11. jam93

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    I think we feel stress and anxiety about this stuff because, dispite major advances in the last few decades, society still treats being anything but straight and cisgendered as wierd. Even in accepting places straight is still shown as the normal thing to be. We all grow up to the "you'll meet a nice girl, fall in love, settle down, have some kids, and grow old together" narative (this is written from my perspective as a dude). Even if we live somewhere where being gay is ok, where your not persecuted or mistreated for it, we still grow up to that narative. That is what we're taught is normal. So if we come to decide that we don't want that. That maybe we would rather meet a nice boy, or we'd be happy with either a boy or girl, that must be odd, that must be wrong. I think it's overcomming that social programming that gives us the anxiety and stress. I'd like to hope, as LGBTQ+ representation in the media gets better, and as being LGBTQ+ becomes more and more accepted, that some of that stress and anxiety will go away. It would be nice if future generations didn't have to deal with this shit, and could just be themselves, whoever that happened to be. I doubt we'll get there any time soon, but I can still hope.
     
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  12. Biguy45

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    Well said
     
  13. DestinyH

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    Beautifully said. I guess that is all we can really do is hold on to hope that one day things will change. And that quote is spot on! I just might need to actually watch that show haha.
     
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  14. Justinian20

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    23 is certainly not too late, I came out at 21 to my parents and 20 to the first person I ever came out to via text. Which means I came out pretty late compared to a lot of people, but that doesn't make me any less legitimate. I just realized I was gay later in life.
     
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  15. WhoAmirly

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    You're not the only one. This sounds a lot like me and what I'm struggling with. I'm 24 and I thought I was late to the coming out party. It's good to know I'm not the only one either. This thread actually helped a lot. Thank you.
     
  16. DestinyH

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    I'm glad this thread helped you, it has helped me as well. :slight_smile:
     
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  17. Aenima1997

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    Hi DestinyH.

    I can only reiterate what has already been said. I'm 30, and am only just coming to terms with who I am so you're definitely not too old!

    My only advice would be, whilst you're in a position to, experiment as much as you can, love who you want now and try not to get hung up on labels ATM.

    I, myself didn't do this when i had the opportunity and am now paying for that. I'm in a commited, heterosexual relationship, with serious financial commitments and all that baggage. Our friends are the same, our lives so entwined. Coming out at the moment would turn many people's lives upsidedown (As is the case with many later in lifers).

    So please, please enjoy it now, before you make any rash decisions!
     
    #17 Aenima1997, Nov 14, 2017
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  18. artstravel

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    Hi there! It's crazy how my story is similar to yours. I'm 23 and 3 years ago realized I was falling for my best friend of 2 years when out of the blue if tells me she was bi and had been in love with me our first 2 years of uni. We decided not to date until we couldn't deal with it anymore. Took us a year and a half to get together but things were complicated and she dumped me a few months later.

    I've noticed that lately I get unconformatble when people ask me about relationships and assume I'm straight. I always go with it but it feels more and more like lying. I know I'm not straight but what does that mean?
    I totally get the getting tired of family telling you they'd accept you even if you're gay cause you never had a boyfriend. My mom also adds "or girl" whenever she talks about me finding a guy or what.

    You only have to come out if you want to. In my case, I've never come out to anybody although all my friends know I've only date one girl. I don't think you need to come out if you're not seeing someone and here again, you don't have to come out with a label (bi, gay, else) you could always just come out about the person you're seeing. And maybe at some point, not sharing this part of you will become too much and you'll want to share with a few people.

    I get the "how can someone love me if I don’t think I’m capable of being loved" part. One thing I've started to notice about me is that since I acknowledged I'm not straight is that I feel more confident. Not as much as I wish but it's a start. For me, it has also been about letting myself be happy and accept that I matter. Accepting those things about yourself might help you to feel worthy. Everyone deserves to be loved and you do too.
     
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  19. DestinyH

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    OMG. This seriously brought me to tears. It is such a relief to know there is someone who is experiencing almost the exact same thing as me. I mean believe me it was relief hearing everyone's point of view, knowing i'm no the only one struggling or my age doesn't make it to late for me. But something about your response just seriously touched my heart. I'm sorry that you are going through this too but it brings me comfort that i'm not the only one, you know?
     
  20. artstravel

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    I'm glad that my message could help you :slight_smile:
    I hope you're doing well and don't hesitate to reach out if you ever want to chat!