Things are a bit better overall since I've posted last. Everything feels manageable, my partner is struggling, but seems more herself, just very sad and working through lots of other emotions. The boys are doing ok. My feelings are pretty level. I know life will be happy in the future, and I'm not in really big distress, just contemplative, a bit sad, feeling for my partner's pain, and aware of the need to do things well for the kids. I'm feeling very unable to focus lately. At work especially I feel like I can't think properly and cannot seem to shake it. It's not like I'm thinking about anything specific, just like my brain has shut down in some way. I honestly don't know how to shake it... When I do let my brain open up a bit, I'm preoccupied by thoughts of death and suicide, and as much as I would not expect wanting to do this, I keep playing the songs that played at my partner's ex's funeral. She had s very unusual funeral for him, playing songs that were really meaningful to him through his life. Listening to it calms me somehow. I have a very weird shaken perception of my sense of self lately as well, especially pertaining to coming out, starting my group, being openly gay. It's not a really deep unease in this area, more like it's just sitting in a limbo state where i can't really decide at the moment if I'm ok with it, with who I am.. with who I am as a person in general honestly... I'm managing all these emotions, not in deep distress, just like they're there somewhere hanging above me all the time. When I'm with my partner everything feels warm and safe, I feel intense love and desire for her, everything with her feels right and overpoweringly good and needed. All of that is good, but my sense of self is what's kind of screwed up st the moment. I gave my talk the other day at the event for the LGBT centre... it was a bit emotional and cathartic. It gave me a sense of meaning.. it made me feel in some sense that I have to keep working towards acceptance of me and my decisions, that its important to do so. Being at the group meetings helps that too, and talking to my queer friends, and other close friends who know my journey. But in addition, I feel a bit of a fraud when I get messages from people looking to me for encouragement in being open about their LGBT identity. We have new members writing in to join our group all the time and asking me for encouragement or help, and I answer with the same words I have for everyone up to this point... in some ways it makes me feel a bit more encouragement myself, but it also feels s bit dark and difficult in some ways. There's one particular guy who writes to me a lot and I know he's wanting me to give him that push to be bold and walk away from his straight life; I've never told anyone to choose one thing or another, so my advice to him is similar to what it's always been, but I feel more wary than ever in being the person who's given anyone else any kind of motivation to do anything like what I have. Oh I'm so sorry I've written so much, I can't seem to stop. Thanks for listening.
And you know what's really weird, everything he liked I like, we like the same films the same tv programs the same books the same music. I put on music to comfort myself the other day and as expected my partner's like yeah I don't like that artist but S did. ...I already knew that. There's a hat in her bag, I go to grab it, that's my hat, no that was his. It doesn't help that I wear dude's clothes either. Not kidding, once I saw he has he same boxers as me (it was laundry day, I didn't see them on him of course) Sorry for tmi. I don't know why I'm sharing this. I'm preoccupied with a lot of thoughts.
I think you are going to feel like you have a cloud over you for a while but all of a sudden it will lift probably when unexpected. Does the weather effect your mood much? I never really noticed until last year that when it starts to get dark that I get more down and that get up and go fades. Back to normal as soon as the sun starts coming out haha. I think the things re what her ex likes is just a coincidence and you are all just more likely to pick up on these things more now that he’s gone. I think all you can do is just keep swimming, maybe try and plan a trip away for all of you so you have something to look forward too? Maybe try and make your first Christmas together that extra bit special?
I think that it's healthy for you to share with us what's on your mind. I always hold things in. Until I joined here of course, now I'm an open book. It helps to share how you are feeling. I used to keep a journal. I find that writing it down helps. Even if you rip up the page after it just helps to let it out. It's so nice to see how in love you are. With all of the awful things going on in the world I am happy to read that you are deeply in love. I dress boyish as well. I think I had on the same plaid shirt as my nephew's friend once. Doesn't help that we shop at the same stores.
I've been reading your posts and I'm glad things are a little bit better. Given what's happened, I think it's understandable that you're feeling sort of unsure (not sure if that's the right word) about the ways you've changed your life. As for people looking to you for motivation to come out, I think it's natural for people to look for examples to follow and seek understanding of their experiences. I know that I do it, and it is encouraging, but that alone wouldn't push me to leave my current life. I'm sure all the advice you give is honest and realistic, rather than trying to sell a dream lifestyle. I'm sure they also find it valuable input to their decisions and questioning, as I've done. Either way, you're not responsible for their actions. Would you feel better if you stepped back for a bit?
i think what you speak of regarding your feelings is quite understandable, you've just been through an extensional experience. just remember you are a strong woman who is ever so capable and loving for her, her family, and community. and we're all here for you. as for the guy who keeps writing, he seems to be looking for permission to come out. i, personally, wouldnt give it. the only person who can, legitimately, give that is him, just as it was me, and you who gave ourselves permission to be ourselves, it's that first step in gaining the confidence in being a whole person, of taking that journey to just be.
Hi, I've been reading your posts for over a year and I've been thinking a lot lately about what happened to you. It affected my confidence in my own journey. I sincerely hope that things will get better for you soon. Just follow your heart and be bold as you've been all along. Hugs.
BJedi, Have you sought any sort of grief counseling? That might help with the lack of focus and related issues. These thoughts are a bit troubling ... do you have any insight as to where they (the self-doubt about your path and who you are) are coming from? Looking at this objectively as a third-party, I don't think this doubt is appropriate. You've taken control of your life and have done what is necessary to be able to life authentically as the person who you were born to be. You are in fact a subject matter expert who can advise others in this area. I would speculate the doubt is coming from residual guilt and aftermath of your partner's ex's suicide. Might be worth talking to a therapist or grief counselor if this doesn't clear up soon. Try to view this from the perspective of being outside yourself and separate your sense of self from the tragic events.
I want to write back to all of your responses, thank you all for your support, but I had some thoughts relevant to siennafire's response for just now It's a bit difficult for me to articulate my feelings at the moment, but wanted to write back to your response in an attempt to untangle the source of my feelings in some way. My feelings vary but right now I'm feeling some things very strongly... There's anger. It's not rational, it's not clear and focused, it's deep. I'm angry at me, who I am as a person, my choices, at death, at life, at pain that has no reason be there, at being myself, the anger comes from the past, it's not rational, and I've come so close to ridding myself of it, but this death, this absurd senseless death has brought back that anger. Shame as well. Shame at who I am and my actions. Shame at being ashamed of being gay. Again, I mean in the past, starting from the age of 10 when I first laid in bed and realised I'm gay and thought to myself, no one can know this. I'm angry at this horror of a death, the person who's done this, to himself, to us, to his children. I'm not angry as much at my actions from the recent past - separating from my husband, coming out, being more me. About that I feel a little guilt, nostalgia, worry, sadness; all of which was diminished quite a great deal until recently. But then about being who I am, being gay, starting my group, learning to love my sexuality and my identity, I don't feel guilt or shame, what I feel is pain. It's not that I feel it's wrong in some way, it just feels like it has some unbreakable connection to death and destruction. I feel like there's this person I turned into when I was quite young, a person who blindly chose all the wrong things, took life and gambled with everyone's feelings because I just didn't know who I was; I knew but I was too afraid to be who I was. I feel broken, just totally broken, this broken person who couldn't be herself. But when I have these feelings, I find another part of me responding to that internal voice, saying f* you, I have a right to search for myself, take the path I needed to find who I am, make mistakes, live life, be a human, flawed as always humans are. I love and care deeply, I give and I support others wholeheartedly. I chose finally to live honestly, and i did it with care and concern for everyone I felt responsible for. Who do you think you are trying to take that from me? To make me feel I don't have that right? This is the furthest I've come in thinking about this...
Keep writing your thoughts down, as it does seem to be helping you. definitely felt the strength and fight you have for being who you are in that last paragraph. Hugs
let it out, it's cathartic, for me anyway. and yes you have the right to be you, to love to be authentic, no you are not responsible for the past, its the past. you are a fierce person and yes pain sucks but it is what it is, let it flow, it will only build if you hang on to it. HUGS
There is a complex psychological reaction going on here, so I agree with other the others that you should keep on posting your thoughts until their meaning and significance become clear to you. A few thoughts Grief seems like the common thread here - you are grieving the person you were in the closet and the death of your partner's ex. The latter seems to be triggering the former as well. Anger is part of grieving and a call to action. Feel your anger and transform it into action. Be sure not to turn the anger inward. If you don't release your anger constructively through action but rather turn it inward, it will turn into sadness and has the potential to lead you down a negative spiral. Releasing the denial and forgiving/accepting myself for coming out later in life was a pretty complex process for me with anger and a complex brew of darker emotions. There was a period where I asked myself what if questions - what would have happened had I reacted differently at key inflection points, such as find the courage to go to my college's gay support group which seems terribly simple in retrospect (though denial made it impossibly difficult). I also went through a period of deconstruction of my straight life / reconstruction of my authentic life. Eventually you reach a new normal. The takeaway is to acknowledge that you did the best that you could at the time and decide to life fully going forward. The lesson is how you reach these conclusions (and it's difficult to be prescriptive other than to respond and release the anger in a way that's meaningful to you).
It does help to write down my thoughts, and I do feel a sense of strength hiding inside me somewhere, I'm just not sure how to really tap into it so that it drives my emotions more of the time than some of the darker things I'm feeling.
It is cathartic to let it out. And it seems definitely helping me. You mention pain ....I'm thinking about how it all fits together in what I'm feeling, pain usually helps me grow but this pain is different... there is nothing good about the boys' dad's death and the way it happened. There's no way to look at it as a source of anything good. I suppose in all other bad things in my own path I've been able to see some opportunity for rebirth or an adjustment of how to make things right and to grow as a person from it. but this feels different. And I can't help but but connect who I am and my decisions with something so terrible and irreversible. It's not rational that I'm thinking this way, I know, but this is part of what I'm struggling to reconcile.
You're right grief is the common thread, and I think, honestly I wasn't really done grieving a lot of things when this happened and it's added a very massive element of confusion and greater grief on top of it. My ex and I are really building a wonderful relationship and that helps in the old set of feelings of grief, but adds more confusion in terms of this new grief... I have my daughter's dad, and I can see how wonderful it is for our big blended family that I have such a wonderful relationship with him; but my partner and her sons will never have that with their dad, and that makes me feel so empty and wrong to think of that. I've been thinking of the anger and the idea of it being a call to action, like you say. I do feel a deep need to *do* something, but I can't put my finger in just what it is. I think something will strike me and I will do it when I recognise what I need to do. For now though I'm trying to use the anger as s driving force to see myself in the right perspective. To see that I *am* worthy of love and that I have s right to all the things I've done; that I'm a flawed human and my path getting here is mine and it's not right or wrong, it just is... it does help to feel those things strongly when the anger hits. Something about what you say about looking st your past actions (being unable to go the gay group in college) strikes a chord with me. I don't want to dwell on introspection of the past, but I think something about all of those little decisions from my past is sitting in my subconscious and I need to find a way to let that go. It's all step by step, but I know where I want to be, I want to reach a point where I give myself permission to feel joy again, and to feel pride in being honest about who I am, feel good about the person I am, broken and flawed and all.
oh sweetie, HUGS. yes the pain now would be different, it isnt a metaphysical or philosophical departure its very real and physical. the circumstances when i lost someone were different but i get it. but you can endure this (What cannot be cured must be endured) if you're looking for a moment of growth here, its the strengthening of your relationships, with your girl friend, all the kids in your family, even your ex. but mostly, in my case, it's a chance to build your resiliency, your core strength. again Hugh HUGS hun.
I'm not sure how to break the cycle of my thoughts, it's like if i start to feel positivity as a result of anything in this process, then I start again to feel guilty that someone's pain is my strength or joy or whatever positive thing I'm feeling. I can't get my head around this; I know I'm not to blame but this goes really deep and it's hard to break this cycle. I had s great talk with my mum just over my lunch hour... and in that conversation, I voiced something I've not yet said outloud. When I was a kid, around the age of 7, and I was sexually abused, the scar that was left there was - my sexuality is something broken and dirty and wrong. It was a vehicle for bad things, dark things and it made me a broken person. Then just a few years later when I acknowledged for the first time that I was gay, I internalised the messages around me about that being wrong and weird and dirty, and again that strengthened my sense of being broken and wrong, in essence my being gay was like proof that there was something deeply wrong with me and it came from my sexuality. Being in the closet ony worsened these feelings because all my life I felt broken in relationships because nothing ever seemed right, I felt empty and things were always wrong. But yet I chipped away and away at those feelings bit by bit until I finally came out to myself, and that started off this process of becoming more comfortable to embrace myself, to embrace my identity and my sexuality. Of course that whole process of leaving my husband and breaking up our family was really difficult because again on my worst days it felt like my sexuality was bringing pain to my family. But i was moving forward and letting that feeling go.... And now this has just plunged me back there. To those deep feelings of shame, that I'm broken, my sexuality and my willingness to be me has brought with it death and so much pain. I can't go back there to that place I was before. I'm fighting those feelings but it's really didficult to do it. Over the weekend I got into a dark place for a bit and I threw all my Pride stuff in a bag and other things that symbolised my pride in being gay, my bracelets, some books... I've taken it all out and put it away again, put my bracelets back on. But I'm really not doing as well with this as I'd like to. I'm fighting though, I won't stop fighting until I get through this.
Are you seeing a counsellor or therapist regarding this? The pain you feel over the grief of the death is perfectly natural and will always be sad but will get better in time as with any bereavement the key to this is as I'm sure you know being able to distance your sexuality and you with the cause of the death, because you know they are not connected but it's easy to say and know it best another thing to get your mind to work that way.
i cant imagine, being on such a roller coaster, i do think a therapist would do wonders for you, i pray they could anyway. im getting an impression that there may be a couple things going on? the abuse may indeed be the root. i really think so. dealing with that could clear so much. i can, however, relate to be being thrown back to a dark place in the mind, i went there when another Trans person attacked me, PTSD kicked in big time. also, last week end i woke up with only the male part of me in my head, Sarah was gone but i knew she was gone.... like the biggest best part of me was gone. i fought and you can too. it took a friend both times to tell me im not there, and i am who i am, i cant change the past, i can only move forward. i am your friend and i am telling you that you are not there, you are who you are (a strong, intelligent, vibrant, beautiful woman) and no, you cant change the past, you can only move forward, ever forward. Hugs my friend, i wish i could do more, have you over for coffee or a pint at a pub so i can tell you all of this in person
