Hi there, this is my first post on here. I’m a 21 year old cis female and I’ve been questioning my sexuality for a long time now. I’ve always felt romantic and sexual attraction to boys, although I have never been in love and just had crushes. The only person I ever had sex with was a boy I felt sexually attracted to but only developed slight romantic feelings for after we had sex a few times. Apart from that he more was like a friend than boyfriend to me. The sex was ok although I more liked the foreplay and being physically close to him. In the past years I have felt sexual attraction to girls as well and in general I have more close friendships to girls than boys. I never kissed a girl but I had the strong desire to kiss some of my closer female friends and on a party I once almost kissed a female friend who I know is bisexual and we danced and touched each other’s hands and this might not seem like a big deal but I swear these gentle touches aroused me a lot. I was drunk that night though and I would have never initiated getting physically close to her while sober, as I am a shy person in general. Now the thing is I cannot imagine myself being in a romantic relationship with a girl. But since I have never been in love the whole idea of being in a committed relationship is something I am hoping for desperately but also something that seems so far away and almost unreal. I don’t have the urgent desire to come out but a male friend recently asked me what my sexuality was and he even directly asked me I if I was bisexual and although I would have loved to explain myself in that moment I felt totally weird about it and was just telling him that I don’t know and that the future will tell.. I know that I can continue my life being open to gay experiences but only dating boys but I also feel the need to talk about my feelings. I have in part explained my feelings to two of my female friends (that I do not feel attracted to) and they have been very accepting but also distant in a way so I didn’t feel understood. Also it seems I am more aroused by certain characteristics of people and how they interact with me… if that makes any sense. It’s just that I won’t be aroused just by good looks. But this is what further confuses me because I have kissed guys at parties I never met before and was aroused by it (although I am not sure I would have been able to enjoy sex with them without getting to know them further), but I cannot imagine kissing girls at parties that I have never met, and liking it as much. It seems as in order for me to feel sexually attracted to a female I have to know her and her personality.. So far I have come to the conclusion that I must be heteroromantic bisexual or bisexual (probably kinsey 2: predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual) and that it will clarify more once I’ve made more experiences. I just don’t know if it feels appropriate to answer “yes” when I am asked if I am bisexual, as I don’t feel bisexual “enough”, because of the lacking romantic attraction to girls. (Please excuse that I am merely talking about females and males here, I am very aware gender is a spectrum but all of the people mentioned don’t have a queer gender identity. As I have only met very few non-binary people in my life, I am also unsure about my (possible) attraction to gender-non-conforming people and do not exclude the possibility of this) What do you think? And is anyone feeling similar? Thanks for reading my long post.. & thanks for any answers in advance! Love and Peace xx
I'm going to start by saying what I normally tell people who come on here asking about their sexuality. No one, not here or anywhere else, can tell you what your sexuality is. Only you can feel what you feel, and because of that you're the only one who can really decide what your sexuality is. That doesn't mean you can't get help figuring it out, that's what this site is for, but it does mean in that anything me or anyone else tells you is just a best guess, and in the end you have to decide for yourself. With that out of the way, let's get started. So, it seems to me that you're big issue isn't figuring out what your sexuality is, but figuring out what to call it. You seem to have a pretty good idea of who your attracted to, you just don't know what term to use when describing it. From what you've written, it seems that your both sexually and romantically attracted to men, but only sexually attracted to women. To me that sounds bisexual. Bisexual doesn't have to mean that you're equally attracted to both sexes, or that your both sexually and romantically attracted to both. Sexuality is a spectrum, with gay on one side, straight on the other, and a lot of shades of bi/pansexuality in the middle. Unless you are on one of those two ends, either gay or straight, you can call yourself bi (or pan depending on your attractions to nonbinary people). You don't have to be a certain percentage attracted to each sex to qualify, if your attracted to both, even a little, you can be bi. That being said, these are just labels. If you feel like bi isn't right for you, you don't have to use it. If, for example, you only occasional feel attraction to women, so rarely that you feel it doesn't matter, you could still call yourself straight. That doesn't seem to be the case however, especially since you came to a website like this to look for answers. Basically, if you feel like calling yourself bi is the right thing, do it, but in the end it's really up to you. As for the not feeling attracted to people till you know them thing, I wouldn't worry about that to much. I don't personally feel that way, but I've seen a lot of other people on here say they do. I don't know how common or rare it is, but it's definitely a thing. I wouldn't say it affects your sexuality either. Regardless of weather you lust after them at first sight or need to get to know them first, you still feel attraction of some kind for both women and men, which is the only real requirement to being bisexual. Anyway, I hope this helps clear things up a bit. Good luck on figuring you out.
Thank you so much for your kind reply jam93! I appreciate your words a lot! It is true that I am the only person who can truly figure out what my sexuality is and how I would like to define it for me. And how you explained it, it makes most sense to call my feelings bisexual, as they are not entirely straight. It does feel weird to call myself bi and I will have to see with what I feel most comfortable with, but I am sure it will all make sense one day
I have a very similar situation, except from the male side. I’m definitely only romantically attracted to women, but sexually attracted to both. I consider myself bisexual, though I’m closer to straight then bi. I am just be very open sexually, who knows. I think there are many of us in a similar situation
Awww thanks this is very helpful to read. If someone would ask you then, and you would feel comfortable enough to tell them, you would say that you are bi?
You sound bi. Just live life and be aware of your feelings and you'll get a clearer picture of what you desire. I personally couldn't imagine nor wanted a relationship (or sex) with a woman until after accepting I was bisexual. Also, its completely normal and common to only want sex with someone you know and have a connection with. Emotional connection isn't absolutely necessary for arousal for me, because I can get turned on by a random woman (usually women trying to be sultry and sensual). However, generally speaking I don't get turn on by random women in daily life nor do I want sex from them. Generally that emotional connection is necessary for me to feel and want more.
thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience! I will definitely stay aware of my feelings and see what it leads me to
