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New beginnings and fear

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Searching1, Oct 19, 2017.

  1. LostInDaydreams

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    This just reminded me...I used to work with a Scottish lady. Another colleague and I always used ask her say those exact things. :relaxed:
     
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  2. silverhalo

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    Because it's amazing
     
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  3. junebug99

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    Ha! Ha! I just said that with my Scottish accent! Too funny!!!
     
  4. dreamingfreely

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    There was a Irish lady that came through my work years ago that had a great accent.
     
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  5. Searching1

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    I'm due for an update from the other night! It was a great night. I had such a fun time and it was all just what I needed. I really enjoyed getting to know this girl, J... we cooked together at my apartment, chatted for a couple hours, then made out way out to a bar downtown. After peaking into one bar then heading to another, I got a text from the girl I met last week (the one who I said was younger and it was a bit of a culture shock hanging with). She said she saw me come in and leave! My gosh this city really is small. So after a drink at the bar we met up with her and a couple of her friends. We then all headed over to a gay club. It was incredibly refreshing being somewhere so accepting with eclectic people. We danced and didn't care if we looked ridiculous. We just had fun. After a great night of chatting, meeting a couple people, and dancing, J and I got pizza at 2am. A few football-looking burly guys sat across from us. We started chatting and they asked if we were together. I said no but we were lesbians. It was all so easy and natural.

    The thing is, before I even met her she labeled things as friends. I am totally cool with this because I need friends too! But I sense there possibly could be something... and I am finding myself getting a bit of a crush on her. We've been texting the last couple days. We're making plans next weekend. I'm still expecting things to be as friends, but I am just keeping open I guess!

    I haven't been too depressed for a few days now. This is the first low key weekend I have had since separating, and it was SO needed. I cleaned and organized my apartment, went on a good emotional run with my dog (who now lives with me because my husband is over having her..), and I got in a great balance of me time and fun. I think I am happier when I just let things happen and let myself feel free. I get depressed when I feel like it is my responsibility to grip onto my old life and not let go or when I think to hard about how things were. I am trying to just let myself float, live, and ride the waves of these new beginnings. I'm sure there will be plenty more ups and downs. But for now... things are feeling okay.
     
    #85 Searching1, Nov 12, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2017
  6. Mabel

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    I love your updates! Both the ups and downs! I find them extremely refreshing because I can relate. You are doing such a great job of moving forward, so proud of you!
     
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  7. Lia444

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    Aww lovely update I’m keeping everything crossed for you re J!
     
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  8. silverhalo

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    Yeah I agree it's a cool update.

    I think it's almost like someone dying, I know that might seem weird so bare with me. I think you are grieving the life you had with your husband and daughter not because it is what you want but because it was safe and secure and familiar. You have guilt and sadness over it ending even though you know it was the right thing, which is a bit like someone dying when they have been sick for a while with no possible recovery. There is that period where you are glad they are no longer suffering but feel guilty almost for thinking that and I think that's a bit like the limbo you have been in you feel guilty that you have broken up the family, even though you now you had to do it. Now you have to learn that despite what has happened you are allowed to be happy. It's ok for you to go out and have fun etc. It doesn't mean you don't care about what has happened to the old relationship, it just means you are moving on.
     
  9. leb10

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    Searching, what a positive update! I’m glad you and J had fun and things are feeling a little more ok. It can be so hard to feel comfortable with yourself and you’re rocking it. Way to go!

    Also, super agree with Halo on the old relationship feel like a passing. As usual, spot on and thoughtful. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Mabel

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    That is how my therapist told me to look at both my relationships ending. She said I needed to expect to go through similar to emotions I would feel if two people in my life died. We grieve and we have to get used to living without them and the changes that brings. It can be that hard and @Searching1 you are doing It the best anyone could ((hugs))
     
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  11. NeonSocks

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    I am just so happy for you! It sounds like you are doing great and yeah it's going to be hard some days, but you aren't letting that stop you from exploring who you are and living your life. Count me among those that are proud of you!
     
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  12. Searching1

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    Thank you all so much! Such kind words and yes I’m happy with how things are going this week. It makes me happy if I’ve offered any inspiration or insight to those of you struggling. Take things day by day and keep following that inner voice!

    @silverhalo, that is exactly it. I’ve thought of that too. It’s like I’m mourning the death of my marriage. There are feelings of wanting to just go back to how things were still when in reality this just isn’t possible. My heart sometimes gets stuck in the past but I am most happy when I’m living in the present and pushing forward.

    PS I’m struggling with that weird phone glitch and can’t write the word I️ /me. Lol. Had to get creative with wording there.
     
  13. Searching1

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    It's been a busy yet nice week with my daughter. My husband has been in Germany all week for work. He called me yesterday supeeer drunk. He kept saying he shouldn't be talking to me but we continued to talk anyway. He was going on about this beautiful girl from dinner who he would have "moved on" with that night if she didn't have a boyfriend. He made it very clear he is at his final strands with waiting. He is telling me to figure my crap out. He knows (and I believe him) that it will only take one girl for him to fully move on and fall in love with quickly. I can sense that my window is closing for getting my life back if I want it. It's like I want to want it! Why don't I have the passionate desire to go back? Why can't I just be so sure that all I want is to be in his arms forever have grow our sweet little family like we were planning on. I could be a stay at home mom with my photography business on the side, living in a nice house, watch our kids grow up together... The answer is probably just because I am gay. It's just crazy. I still keep thinking something must be wrong with me not to want that. It is what I should want. But I continue to get crushes on women and something keeps on pulling me towards this new life. I am scared that with time closing, this really is the life that I will continue on. I likely will live as a lesbian women spending only half the time with my daughter, having to likely financially fully support myself, and I may even be the more "protecting/dominate" one. I always thought I was more feminine but now I am wondering if I do better as the more dominant one in a relationship. Everything is upside-down.

    Anyway, I am still feeling okay! I still have a bit of a crush on my new friend and I think we are hanging out this weekend. I have applied to a few non-teaching jobs and even had two phone interviews. I am sensing that maybe.. just maybe.. everything will work out just fine! All scary and so many changes in such a quick amount of time.

    Oh and next week for Thanksgiving my immediate family is coming up to stay in the house. It's going to be a mess. My homophobic, culturally Mormon, family-is-all-that-matters dad, and the siblings who are still in shock.. a lot of wine.. me and my husband both there. It will be quite interesting.
     
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  14. leb10

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    That must have been such a bizzare and tough conversation with your husband. I totally get what you mean about that time/sense of urgency you described. I think one can only live with so much uncertainty for so long.

    Big hugs in advance of Thanksgiving. I'm glad you had some good and calm time with your daughter. Those moments always make me feel stronger. Good luck with your me friend this weekend. Hope you have some fun
     
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  15. Searching1

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    Thanks so much! Yes it was a weird conversation but I get it. He wants to be able to move on. At some point we will both need to move on if we know where things likely will end up. I guess I’ve just been giving it time to see if something will come up for me that I I’m fact want my life with him or if I find I’m not as gay as I thought. But things don’t seem to be going that way.

    I hope things are going okay for you! Are you hanging in there? The kids make this all so much harder. At the same time my daughter brings me so much joy during tough times.
     
  16. LostInDaydreams

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    Thanks for posting an update. It must be such a difficult time for both of you. Have you agreed a specific time at which you will decide one way or the other?

    I can relate to your feelings about what you should want. I often think to myself that I've got everything my twenty year old self wanted, so why am I thinking about leaving it all? What's wrong with me? But, you've already made the jump It was a big decision and huge change, which took a lot of bravery, so I don't believe that you'd have done it for no good reason.

    I'm also glad to hear that things are starting to look more positive employment wise. Well done! :slight_smile:

    I don't want to take you're thread off on a tangent, but this is something that I used to think about, whether I saw myself as more feminine or more dominate. However, I now think that there's no real answer to this. I don't think being feminine means that you can't also be dominant. I think the dynamic varies from relationship to relationship, and will in part depend on any future partner. For myself, I'd like to be in a relationship with a good mix of everything, where each partner may be more or less dominant at different time, regardless of how feminine or not they might be. Personally I wouldn't want to be in relationship with clear dominant/submissive dynamic. I wouldn't want to be either person in that scenario, so maybe it's just my preference, and a lot of it comes out of my unhappiness with the dynamic in my current relationship. I just want to be in an equal partnership that functions, without any of the stereotype issues that I have to put up at the moment, such as my partner negatively comparing me to a woman he works with because she cooks for her husband every night.

    Best of luck with Thanksgiving!
     
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  17. Butterflies85

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    Hey @Searching1 I thought it would be easier to reply to you here on your thread rather than back over on mine. I am sooo excited for your recent posts. You are coming so far, so quickly. Your big run with your dog, nice week with your daughter and getting out and about having some fun with like minded people is so encouraging. I love your posts because I am genuinely happy for you when I read things are going well for you but they also give me so much hope!

    I am sorry though to read about the difficult convo you had with your husband. I think listening to the pulling in your heart towards this other life is probably your intuition. Its this pulling that we all have deep inside but for whatever reason have not followed. I think if you've come this far, why not keep going. I hear that the door to the old life is closing quickly. But I am a believer in the saying 'if you love someone set them free, if they come back to you it was meant to be'. This could go both ways for you and your husband. If fate would have you guys together, it won't matter what happens in the in between - you guys will end up back together if it's meant to be. My sister and her boyfriend broke up for three years, dated other people, and then got back together and have been going solid for 15+ years now. They are happy and feel like soul mates. If its meant to be it will still be there for you if you ever want it back. Just be you and enjoy your process of getting to know yourself again.

    Goodluck on Thanksgiving. I will be thinking of you!

    Did you meet up with your friend again this weekend? Hope it went well!!
     
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  18. leb10

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    I've been holding on OK for now. Things are pretty rocky and I hope my husband starts dealing with his feelings a little more. Had a very uplifting talk with a friend about timing and trusting yourself. Thank goodness I have good people in my life. I hope I can send that kind of care back out one day. Glad you've had a positive week. Hope you got some quality daughter time in.:slight_smile:
     
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  19. Searching1

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    Thank you! And sorry for the delay :wink: My husband and I knew that at the end of the break in January (when my lease is up) we would assess our next step. But we also knew that likely we would know our next step before then and would call it if we get to that point. I am very close. I am not sure how much more validation I need. Maybe just physically experimenting for full validation, but otherwise I am pretty much there. I wouldn’t be surprised if we have the talk in a couple weeks. We would love to know what is happening by Christmas. At that point he would tell his family everything and we would not spend it together.

    I completely agree with finding someone to share roles with. I would love things to feel equal and that we both take care of each other. I guess I am just realizing that with my personality I think I would function better in a relationship with someone who is not a “stronger” personality than myself. An equalness in dominance sounds perfect.
     
  20. Lia444

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    Anymore updates re J?