My son

Hi Esther111!

I can't really say one way or another about your son's sexual orientation. In fact, no one can, except one person, and one person only. That's your son.

Am I suggesting that you ask your son what his sexual orientation? Not necessarily. Truth be told, it seems like you've already had this talk with him, but let me just say that, depending on the state of your and his mutual relationship and on his own understanding of his sexuality and how he believes it may be outwardly perceived, asking may not be the best thing to do right now. Truth is, sometimes we don't even know our own sexual orientation. And guess what? That's okay.

I get the feeling that this comes as a surprise to you. As a parent, I'm sure you care very much about your son. You may be worried that he doesn't know his own orientation and that this may be a source of anxiety for him. Unless he expresses openly his doubts surrounding this issue, there's unfortunately no way to know if that is the case, and unless he decides to tell you this is the case and asks you for help, he likely isn't in any position to feel comfortable confiding in you about this anyway, so there's really nothing you can do, unless and until he asks you to help him work through his doubts, if indeed he has any. Please understand that, if your son is having trouble expressing his sexuality and chooses not to confide in you over it, it does not necessarily have any implications for his overall love for and trust in you. Many of us, when we are first exploring our sexualities and choosing how to identify outwardly, may not even tell our closest, most beloved family members and friends, because we are still uncertain about it, and don't wish to burden our loved ones with our problems just yet. Sometimes, sad to say, we feel embarrassed or ashamed about it, because of the societal norms going back centuries that tell us our feelings are somehow wrong or harmful, even when they really aren't. If you believe your son is having issues with his sexuality, and choosing not to tell you, for one reason or another, then the best thing you can do is step back, let him know you still love him, and give him as much space as he needs to feel comfortable exploring these issues - on his own, in his own time and place. Again, I completely understand how much you want your son to be safe and happy, but sometimes we need to embark on a leg of our journey by ourselves.

If you are asking this question because you are concerned for your son's physical or sexual health, there are many, many resources now to help you with that. Once again, speaking to your son directly about this may result in discomfort and negative feelings between the two of you - even with the best of intentions going in. However, perhaps you can discreetly mention some of these resources to him, and adjust thereafter based on his reaction. He may appreciate your show of support if you can show him that you still love and respect him, no matter what he decides or who he chooses to have a relationship with (and remember, assuming that he's an adult, these really are completely his choice!), and that you are willing to accept him and to look out for his well-being in whatever his lifestyle may be.

If you are asking this because you personally feel uncomfortable considering the possibility that your son may be gay or, at the very least, not traditionally straight, here is a good support forum for you: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?forums/for-parents-and-family-members-of-lgbt-people.145/ . You mention that you're concerned this may be a fetish for him. What exactly do you mean when you say this might be a "fetish"? If you are wondering if this will end up being simply a phase, and he'll later end up dating primarily cisgender men or women, that's all right too; we often experiment with different sexual partners in the process of finding where our own sexualities fit on the spectrum. If you feel that he isn't properly respecting his transgendered partner and is merely using her as an object of sexual arousal, you should be very careful in asking either your son or his partner - since this is a pretty personal issue to be bringing up, and is very likely to offend either of them in any case - but if you're truly concerned about this, there are a number of things you can do to try and deal with the issue. I'm not an expert on this particular issue, so a more experienced member on this forum or a professional counselor would likely be much more helpful on this topic, but I advise you consider cautiously confiding in someone you can trust about it. Unequal, unhealthy relationships without the necessary respect in them are never fun for anyone, and if you feel this is the case, you may want to do something about it. Be careful, though - if neither your son nor his partner feels in any way unhappy or uncomfortable in their relationship with each other, then it's really not your place to police it for them.

I understand that such major changes in your child's life may be confusing and frightening for you as a parent, but please try to relax and remember that your son is an adult, too - he should know what he's doing with his own life. Above all, remember not to alienate him with your own fears and doubts, no matter what. I hope you are able to resolve at least some of your doubts soon - by posting here and reaching out to others for support, you're definitely moving in the right direction. Good luck!

 

Not wanting to sound terse but why are you so worried about this?

Why are you so worried?

I personally do not see why you are getting so worked up? Young, middle aged teens (don't know the age of your son) enter explore and discover. This is natural and healthy. But parents (some) get all worked up over this phase. Why? And why premature label(s)? And why labels at all? Will you not love him no matter what he settles down with?

He is asserting his independence. Set back and enjoy the process. Be there to catch him when he falls..

 

A trans woman is a woman. Okay depending on how far her transition is there may be "parts" that are not those of a woman, but a trans person doesn't pretend to be the other gender, they are. So technically your son is having a heterosexual relationship at the moment, you shouldn't be worried about his sexual orientation.

 

Most men who sleep with trans women are straight. They are women despite not having a vagina (and some of them do have vaginas btw). Gay men tend to be very turned off by trans women, even when a penis is present.

 

Esther,

I’m not going to judge you are ask you why you are so worried. As a new mother to having a gay son, I can relate to the shock and worry of what comes along with this. I didnt’ hear you say you were upset at your son. I heard confusion against what you have yourself always known and understood. I think a little leeway is acceptable here!

It’s easy to attack negative feelings towards a parent that has less than the hoped reactions to their child’s sexual orientation, but if your not a parent, you have no reference point to judge or dismiss and ask “Why is this is a big deal”.

IT IS A BIG DEAL.... for different reasons for each individual. For me, it’s because I was so clueless and didnt see it coming. I accept my son for who is is and for what makes him happy, but after 20 years of being in the dark, I have the right to be surprised, shocked and upset that my own stupid presumptions have now been blown into the next world. I need a place of support just like he might.

To each their own time in accepting change. Judge it or help understand.