Gay married man, but I love her.

Great! Well everyone choice the best for her/his life, i'm happy that u live with no any worries .

 

Hi David,

Here are my candid thoughts.

It seems to me that you are in the bargaining phase, trying to convince yourself that your situation isn't so bad. I was in a similar place not so many years ago, so I understand. Today I'm divorced and have a BF who I love completely in ways that were not possible with my ex-wife.

Here are some things to think about.

• You may discover that once you find love with another man you'll find a more complete, true love than you know now. At least that was the case for me.
• Given that you are 67 I understand that divorcing might be a stretch. Would your wife be agreeable to an open relationship as a bridge to help you discover what you need?

FWIW, I appreciate your candor raising the question here on EC. I've found too many men around your age on hookup sites seeking other options with less integrity.

Best,
SF

 

Hi Quebec that is my life to everything you have said exeped I have not come out to my wife yet and I hope when I pluck the courage to we can get through it and stay together because she is a wonderful women and wife and I love her but not in a sexual way . There my be hope for me

 

It sounds like you're in a really great place and it's awesome that you can share it with us! Having a wife who accepts such an intimate and challenging (in a heterosexual relationship) part of you is worth it's weight in gold!

 

I’m so glad to read your story. I’m middle aged and bi, and I love my wife. I did cheat on her once with a man when I first came out to myself, but not since. I think I felt I had to act on my attraction, because it was there. It hasn’t been difficult to resist since. Between relations with my wife and masturbation, I am satisfied. I like my life and don’t want to screw it up. If things ever changed I’d consider being with a man, but I am fine with that never happening

 

That's wonderful. You sound happy and that's what is important!

 

Thanks so much for sharing!! It sounds like a very fulfilling and beautiful relationship you have with your wife! congrats on finding peace! Wishing you all the best into your future David

 

No apology necessary; my thoughts are independent of your level of satisfaction/dissatisfaction. While you may be in a great place now relative to the past, I was hoping that you might want to discover an even better place in a sexual and romantic relationship aligned with your sexual orientation.

Thanks for sharing your insights with EC.

 

I guess your in an age that is already past prime time, based on the ageist gay community on matters love,sex and relationships, basing this on how your mind is placing everything, so i understand the agape love you may have for your wife, cause hey your basically a gay man with his bestfriend,its an easier stage at this point in time for you facing the future.
Also its definitely not eros love, as you clearly said you are gay and now self accepting. If its eros, maybe do reconsider your bi.

 

I'm with Siennafire on this. The main thing I feel in reading your post is that I feel terrible for your wife. This may be what you signed up for but it is most certainly not what she signed up for. Sure you can love someone without wanting to have sex with them... the way i love my mother comes to mind or my mother-in-law. The fact that you can love someone that way isn't a revelation to any one. I don't mean to be pointed but it just isn't and thinking it is seems like some pretty careful mental gymnastics. I don't even know your wife let alone love her and I know she deserves more. I think you should give some careful thought to why you don't think she deserves that.

 

David,
I am right there with you! Married 39 years to a woman I love dearly. I have no intentions of cheating on her. And I am gay. I guess I am a little surprised that there are some on here that do not want to believe that we can be happy in such a circumstance. As you mentioned, honest communication with the spouse is the key.

 

This is interesting....maybe it’s the age difference, or a gender thing? I just don’t think I can be completely happy in a hetero marriage. I’m a gay woman. My husband has been very supportive and we are good friends and partners. Sometimes I feel this way...I guess then I realize it’s not “just sex” I have been missing. There is the holding hands, keeping house , facing the world with your partner at your side. All that means something to me, and I don’t get that from having a male partner. It’s part of who I am. I am happy with him and our partnership but I know I will eventually need more. Being out and having people know helps, I just know, personally, I need to live my life as me. I can sorta do that by being out and still with him, just not completely. I am happy we have we we do together. I just think I need the opportunity to live how I was meant to.

If you are in happy place with this than that’s wonderful. I think Society has changed in a lot of ways that help us be visible while having a hetero partner. I know the family we have told so far are supportive in us taking our time to find our way and that does feel good. Yet they still acknowledge who I am. It has helped a tremendous amount for me. I feel it’s just part of the journey though, and that I have more work to do?

 

I very much agree! Your post just stuck me because I’ve been moving back and forth in my head like crazy! One minute it’s “things are happy “and the next I’m thinking “ I need to have a non straight life”. It really can be disorienting. Sometimes I find myself thinking it all would be so much easier if he were a jerk! He’s not though, and it probably wouldn’t be because he’s been my biggest ally and support in all this!

 

Hi Quebec,

Having read your Opening Post a few days ago, it stuck with me and got me thinking about how to respond. Then, just yesterday (which so often happens, when chance favours the prepared mind), I was listening to a short biography of the great Montreal-born composer Colin McPhee, who was openly gay, yet married a woman while doing his ethnomusicological work in Bali in the mid-20th century.

Around the same time, McPhee met Jane Belo, who had studied anthropology and who was also interested in traveling to Asia. Although he was actively homosexual, McPhee and Belo were soon involved in an intense sexual relationship. They were married in 1930. Belo was aware of McPhee's homosexuality [my bold], but she felt that a relationship with "a feminine man" was an important stage in her emotional development, and that it also revealed "aspects of masculine protest and narcissism"

The marriage ended soon enough, after about 8 years, but it was a productive relationship and an important step in McPhee's development as an artist. He was greatly responsible for saving Balinese music from obscurity and decline, and future composers in the "minimalist" style owe him a great debt.

The marriage did end, eventually:

Since the Balinese were relatively tolerant of homosexuality, McPhee also soon threw himself into the sexual exploration of Balinese men. His sexual involvements with Balinese men led eventually to a separation from Belo. McPhee wrote to one friend, "I was in love at the time with a Balinese, which she knew, and to have him continually around was too much for her vanity. So it ended as I had foreseen at the beginning . . . ." McPhee was able to live in Bali only because Belo had the money (which came from her family and her wealthy ex-husband) to do so. They were divorced in 1938 shortly before they both left Bali.

The notion that marrying that one person who is somehow supposed to fulfill all of one's sexual and emotional needs is a relatively recent (say the past 125 years, or so) development. It would be worthwhile to remember that marriage was more often than not a contractual arrangement which favoured the couple, but also the community at large, adding procreation and stability into the mix. Romantic love, if it happened, was simply a bonus; not a prerequisite.

It can be argued, convincingly I think, that McPhee's marriage to Belo, which appears to have been a happy one for the most part, also benefitted McPhee's art and by extension, enriched our common cultural life.

There are all sorts of reasons to marry, there really is no script and no clear path in the development of intimate relationships, especially these days, however, the most important element in all of this is complete and total honesty.

 

Hi Quebec
I agree with what you have been saying and that others have got good points
But I put my earlier thread on here

I have admitted to myself later in life I'm 53
And I have been married for 30yrs I fill like you do but have not come out yet just not ready for me my e after August next year for reasons . But when I do I hope my wife and I can sit down and talk about me being gay and come to an agreement that we can stay together .

Me and my wife have had a good marriage and had two girls and all three are my life
And I want to keep that going but I know it' going to be a hard slogg and bad times and I don't know if my feeling for men are going to get stronger . Which I have not acted on yet . My statement is I am pleased you talked all this through with your wife and I hope it works out for you I really do and I hope I can do the same
Good luck