Obsessed about sexuality

Forgive the length.

Not sure where to ask this, but for the past few months (since April) I have been obsessing about my sexual orientation. I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and doing constant and unnecessary “checks”, then feeling guilt as on paper it’s a bit homophobic. I am not afraid of societal pressures, but more that I want to be with a woman and all that jazz and never want that to change. I’m not going to write an ode about women, but I’m sure you understand regardless of your own sexual orientation.

This all started in April when, funny enough, I was on a site (a place I frequented) that had lots of pornographic images of women and suddenly I started to feel a pressure in my throat almost similar to nausea but more akin an anxious feeling or reflex but without the anxiety. Since then every attractive girl I’ve come across brings about the same reflex. It’s like I notice a girl then it happens. Therefore, I have since been obsessing about whether I’m losing attraction to girls. It is more this reflex throat feeling meaning that I’m almost allergic to attractive girls that worries me.

Funny enough, I've slept with about three women between August and November. I was quite drunk each time, but did not really come across any problems, other than taking long to come butthat is usually the alcohol. I sometimes overthink whether I was going through the motions. That in itself did not make sense as it time escalated mutually, but you can understand how I would split hairs.

Since then, I started checking if I liked guys (looking at guys to see if I felt a reaction). I am considering taking a break from porn, as it's reach a point where vanilla does not do it much for me. But recently, I came across a reverse pov blowjob video, and found it a bit racy or maybe it was the taboo factor I don't know, and just went with it, I focused on the girls lips (lol) but it was quite thrilling as I never come across anything like that. Now when I watch porn, (this is a span of a few days), I can get off from vanilla but the pov gets me off quicker. I've tried looking at attractive guys online, but it just seems weird.

Anyway, this whole ordeal, has spawned a lot of intrusive thoughts and overthinking. I even got thoughts about a co-worker and started obsessed whether i fancied him. And this all just spawned from thoughts, didn't think anything to begin with.

I think it's the idea of things being out of my control, and constantly wondering if I'm in denial that bothers me too. Sometimes I even think about a blowjob or being with a man, and the thought, because it seems outlandish, arouses me a bit. But not to an extent that I want to do anything in real life. I've been hit on by guys quite recently funny enough, but never felt the urge to just go with it. Sometimes i wonder, "what if i do lose attraction for women?" the thought makes me a bit miserable, as I feel like I'm missing out. Overall, I'm worried I've become desensitised or meh towards women, or that I will lose that spark many feel when they see a hot girl.

I understand that such things are out of one’s control, but I guess the real problem is why I’ve been feeling these reaction towards women, with my sexuality being a symptom.

All thoughts are welcome I want to just understand myself as best as I can. Thanks for taking to time to read this is you have.

 

Anyone? Really struggling with this...

 

Very appreciated you taking the time to read and answer this. Everything I've writtten up there pretyy much covers it. The fact i mentioned the whole arousal thing too shows im trying to be as honest as possible. I think what you have said has confimred a couple of things for me, and I should go seek a therapist. I was seeing one before but that was after my ex broke up with me, which cut me deep, and it pretty much opened up my deeper mental issues around control etc. I digress, is there anything else you gather from what I said. I'm just curious, thought your answer is more than adequate.

Thanks again.

 

My previous post just erased which is annoying, but I'll try a rewrite.

I see where you are coming from, and it is interesting to see that despite our similarities it concludes my stance of only wanting to be with women. I think internalised homophobia is a real problem, likely due to the unfortunate stigma that comes along with being gay.

I have tried to be open-minded about the situation, but it always goes back to that fear of losing attraction to women, and me wanting to be with one.

As for my OCD, it is something that has affected me for most of my life. Pure O has bled into everything, for example, last year it was my ex which turned into an unhealthy obsession which resulted in me never trust her. Now it is my sexuality, which spawned from those episodes of the pressure in my throat whether seeing hot naked women online to real life. However, what I am attempting to do is just accept my thoughts regardless of what enters, this includes impulses and feelings etc, as these things are fickle. Usually, I would reject a thought rather that resist if that makes sense. I think I can live without ever being bi-curious, but I want to be open-minded and say that if that ever changes then fine. This is classic CBT methods, but I think it will be healthy for me in general.

To Aenima1997, I know where you are coming from with the constant checks or deliberately thinking about things to see your reaction, in terms of talking about your urges this is the perfect place to discuss it openly without fear of judgement from what I've seen. I think in my case, and I'll be humble to say this is just what I think, that I do not get urges, but intrusive thoughts spawned from the above. Only time will tell if anything changes, but to be honest, I hope this simply evens out, I stop overthinking my attraction to women and the thoughts stop. It is partly why I have stopped watching porn for now.

Hope what I've said clears things up.

 

@Lia444 wanted to know your or anyone's thoughts about repression. I didn't even know it was a thing. From what I have said does it suggest so? I would like to think not, but what are your thoughts?

 

@Lia444 I see so in your case, it was always consistent hut you sort of dismissed it as something else. This is a commons theme I've seen, especially with latent whether bi or gay. It was always present but was pushed to the bottom or dismissed.

In terms of urges, it is something your are trying to accept in yourself and you know as long as you resist you'll not be happy?

I'm just trying to make sense of things, I know everyone is different. I'm just distressed that I can extrapolate the initial issue i had to questioning my sexuality. I feel like my biggest issue is a fear of losing my attraction for women, but I think that goes into my deeper mental problems about feeling a sense of control in a world where you have little.

Here's another story I bet you get a lot, I fell prey to porn last night, and masturbated but straight porn gets me off but not like before but as soon as I saw the penis or delibrately looked at the guy, something that most cases I never paid notice or cared about, I got a groinal response and felt quicker to coming. However, looking at the body itself I didn't feel like oh man I want some of that like i do with girls. In this case, I feel like it was the "taboo" element again and the need to be off porn for a while. I also got a groinal response from thinking about a gay bj again, it was weird as deep down I can live with never being bi-curious. Right now I'm just trying to be thoughtful about this. But I just don't want to lose my love for women or it'll depress me. Sorry if thay sounds offensive. What are your thoughts?

 

Your story is very interesting in general. Yet I feel myself constantly making comparisons to reassure myself. And I'm not sure if that's right.

I think it is good to look to the present that is healthy. But in my case, I feel like I'm not deliberately thinking about men and these things or like getting flashes like "he would be nice etc". I still get like that with girls, but all the overthinking is ruining the moment. And sometimes i do checks with guys for a reaction but what comes back is not pleasant or even a rejection of a pleasant reaction. It's more "why am I doing this? I don't even want to look st this guy." The thing with overthinking is that it can distort everything, and lead you to question everything. It's like up is down and vice versa, I just want to relax and accept my thoughts as just that. If i turn out to be wrong down the line then so be it. The latter is part of my solution to anxiety about control. This has applies to other anxieties not related with the subject, I'll expand on that later.

I think in terms of my fears, is that I don't want to explore anything outside the bounds of females. Not as a rejection of being potentially bi or gay, but I just prefer women sexually and emotionally. And I never want that to change.

This all started because of that trigger (the pressure thing around images of women) and funny enough watching lots of porn might have contributed. Then I suddenly jumped to the conclusion, oh "am i losing attraction for women?" then a month later a guy hit on me pretty hard via text, I was cool about it said no etc. But it made me wonder why he did so, I thought I was just being friendly like with anyone else so why me? Then the overthinking ensued. Also, I never had a problem being attracted and sleeping with those three girls, other than being slow to orgasm, due to the alcohol.

Everyday, I'm get intrusive thoughts (like phrases etc) that just come in out of nowhere about being gay and no offence, but they are unwanted. I have tried to be open minded thought about what it would be like foreplay all that with a guy, but it's not something i want to explore. I somewhat blame my ocd history for this whole thing. It has followed me all my life, I'm a big hypochondriac and have GAD. It feels like an entity that shifts from one aspect of my life to another.

In terms of porn, I have never really noticed the guy in terms of being attracted. Mostly a self insert or looking at the girl or the situation. It's only now that I've started checking but to literally check, that coupled with anxiety has lead to the responses etc. But I do agree that it is not a healthy thing to do. So, yeah I am going to resist porn until my mind is a lot more clearer.

I do thank you for taking time to speak about your experiences it is really helping me understand things.

Forgive me if this is a hard question to answer and it's fine if you don't want to. But honestly, what vibe have I given during this conversation? Do I seem conflicted or just a guy that needs to relax? Thanks

 

You're right there is not enough clarity as I am too in my thoughts right now, just intrusive thoughts sounding out. I do need to relax, but it is hard as it's the thoughts are not pleasant to me, if that makes sense. If i let it stream and I’m hearing things like "you know deep down you're gay" I instantly rebut it, as I know that it isn't true, but it is still stressful, as its like being constantly vigilant. It's the same with women, this anxiety and overthinking causes thoughts like "do I really want to be with a woman" to enter, which causes the same situation as above. I rebut it with evidence, but I just get stressed out. Even sleeping with a girl 2 weeks back was brought no issue, other than me thinking about my ex at one point and getting a bit bored and tired as she really wanted the O, and I wanted to provide that with oral but it was taking very long. Sorry I digress.

I think it is hindering my enjoyment of things, even porn is just for checks, which is why I have stopped for a bit. However, I know that just exposing myself to these thoughts as they come is the best thing though. I should not do checks, but just let things flow naturally.

I understand that people on this site have a tough time accepting themselves, so I do not mean to undermine or disrespect that with my "xyz happened, am I gay?" narrative.

As for dating I am more interested in just being with women now, rather than a relationship. Feel like I am not ready as an individual, unless if the other half seems to not mind that I am not where I want to be at the moment, but finding what I want to do with my life etc, but I am not going to turn down an opportunity if it presents itself. I just want that excitement back. I feel it sometimes, but I then scrutinise it, like “is this real? Am I just forcing it?” Even though it all seems to check out. Also, my ex broke up with me a year ago and I loved her. So, I guess it put me off relationships a bit.

Overall, this is another part of my life and understanding myself, distinguishing reality from my thoughts etc. I will try to relax and hopefully things will level out. Thanks again @Lia444 for speaking with me through all this among the other forum posts. I appreciate your time.

 

@gravechild btw I've noticed a lot of what you've written on the forum and somewhat resonate with it. Just wanted to also knwobyour thoughts about my situation.

 

Hi and thanks for coming abck to me as well as reading everything. I'm in my late 20s (the other end) and in terms of my teens it was a devote christian so abstained from sex etc thus there was the moral aspect. As far as I can recall, all the stuff that turned me on was straight. I experimented with masturbation as in anal play a handful of times, and even did self oral twice, but saw it as just as urge to expriement and curiosity. I never imagined what it would be like to be with a man etc. I can be honest and say that the male body i don't get excited over it. It's only as I decribed in my previous text with the reverse pov.

 

Woops I noticed that it did not complete. See it here. @gravechild

Hi and thanks for coming back to me as well as reading everything. I'm in my late 20s (the other end) and in terms of my teens i was a devote christian so abstained from sex etc thus there was the moral aspect. As far as I can recall, all the stuff that turned me on was straight. I experimented with masturbation as in anal play a handful of times, and even did self oral twice, but saw it as just as an urge to expriement and curiosity. I never imagined what it would be like to be with a man etc. I can be honest and say that the male body i don't get excited over it. It's only as I decribed in my previous text with the reverse pov that I got a thrill from it, but more along the lines of it being different. And vanilla doesn't do much for me atm. But it's like I'm desensitized.

My encounters in real life with women haven't brought any issues but it has caused me to overthink it like, did I enjoy it? Which is usually answered with a big yes.

Jokes aside, what is bothering me is that my ocd is making my life difficult. When I was young I had intrusive thoughts and pure O about everything had mental and physical rituals to alleviate things. This even bled into my sexuality in my youth, but it spawned from a thought out of nowhere and it bother me as I knew it wasn't true. It's like an entity that feeds on whatever it can exploit. I have barely had any sleep because of the constant checks, overanalyzing my responses,which for gay stuff is minimal, and not really doing anything for me. It's like putting the n side of two magnets together. Tbf Vanilla is not as exciting as before which is why I'm at least attempting to take a break.

Another issue I'm having is the intrusive thoughts. I have tried chips fantasizing test, but due to intrusive thoughts i can never really fantasized in general. Times I've gotten flashes which would be with girls like " oh I want to taste her again etc etc". It's a test I find hard as I fantasize about chicks then a guys face pops up and I'm put off, not afraid or anxiety but like I dont want this. It's like intrusive mixed with deliberate thoughts. It's hard to explain, it's like trying to walk a tightrope whilst people keep shouting at you. As I said in my previous text I have thought about being with men for the sake of seeing if I got aroused and I get a groinal response but it's minimal.

I think I've gotten more aroused about the idea of a blowjob because I like to watch girls do it, and doing it myself it feels taboo, like I shouldn't be doing this and that is a bit thrilling. Maybe it's that thrill that bothers me, like I should just accept that for what it is. I know I don't feel the need to ever do anything like that, but It's like I think in absolutes. It's either 0 ot 1.

It's funny as a former very religious person, you would have thought that gay porn would be a thing I got off to in the past due to the "taboo" aspect. But I never had a desire to watch it or men for that matter.

Overall, I don't feel a strong pull to be with a man. And I feel I can live with that. And this entire saga, from April started not because I came across a guy and got butterflies or Ibgot a boner. It was that really weird pressure in my throat reaction to naked images of women that brought on thoughts like am i losing attraction for women? Am I gay now?

I keep doubting myself most likely due to my intrusive thoughts and constant need to check for reassurance. Sorry if this is all over the place. Let me know your thoughts.