Closested Relationships

Nah, it would be a dealbreaker for me.

I'd be careful on what you might be suggesting though, since this is not a dating site. We can't pair up people here

 

Echoing this.

Now that I'm 90% out, I completely understand why lots of people don't. Its so fucking hard to sacrifice any of your outness.

 

Been in a closeted relationship, it’s not easy at all and I will never do it again. I can understand why some people do, it’s just a lonely way to go. It also adds to the damage being closeted already does to your well being. Stay on here, talk it out, it really helps to have an outlet!

 

I’m sorry your situation is so difficult. If you read around so many of us here are experiencing huge life change as a result of trying to live more authentically. Some have lost a lot, you may not be as alone as it seems. Please do read around, the others stories may be very helpful and comforting to you.

One thing that strikes me is despite your fear of consequences and life changing scenarios you are still considering a closeted relationship? That to me seems like evidence that your needing to understand this part of yourself holds a lot of weight for you. Why not join in discussions and try to understand before leaping into a relationship? Even talking about it lets off some of the pressure of not being able to express a hidden part of you. We are here to listen for sure!

 

Keep in mind that closeted relationships can cause problems too. You CAN be easily caught by your parents or your culture, and there will be worse consequences for you and your SO when it happens.

 

I was close to be like that, it is hard and you feel guilty but if really love you should be really brave or it became worse or live with some regrets.

 

I get this kind of culture. It was one similar to what my ex faced, but she’s older and has more freedom. I get the sense that you are young.

I’m wondering why a therapist would recommend a closeted relationship when you are extremely vulnerable. If you have been suicidal the weight a relationship would hold is very risky. If it doesn’t go well, you don’t have much recourse in your situation. I could see a therapist making a recommendation for you to find a closeted community in your area, or simply just reaching out to others like you...like you are here. I have no background in therapy, but I have been a patient plenty.

What is this culture? Can you give more information? Is independence an option when you get older? I really don’t feel a closeted relationship is going to give you what you need to grow emotionally at this time. It sounds like in the situation you are in that emotional and personal strength is something that will help get you through until you are old enough to go out on your own.

It sounds like an incredibly isolating place you are in. I do hope you keep reaching out and talking to us and others like you. I can’t help you with finding a closeted relationship but I and many others here can be someone to talk to when times are rough. Please keep posting...stay moving forward , even if your forward steps are teeny tiny they are still forward. That’s huge. Blessings

 

Pixie, it sounds like you are in a very though situation. The fact you are in touch with an affirming therapist gives me some hope. How did you find them? Online? Locally? I really hope you are taking steps to help with your emotional and mental health. If you aren't taking care of yourself facing these kinds of challenges it can be too much to bare. So above all, be kind and caring of yourself. Give yourself a break and do things that refuel you emotionally.

I think other people who are in the closet would be interested in a closested relationship, since they are in the same situation. But if you merely want to know if you're gay, you don't need a romantic relationship to know that. Straight people don't need to date to know they are straight. The evidence is likely there in your life already. It's usually hard to accept though, especially in a tough and stressful situation like yours. I agree, the more you are around people and the more you interact with people you will get a better idea who you're attracted to. You just don't have to have a romance to know. You can just be mindful and aware of how you feel when around people or when watching media.

There is also no "certainty" in knowing. You can deny, question, argue away a mountain of evidence. I cuddled with a friend, even got arosed, still wasn't certain. It really comes down to if you're ready to accept what you know and accept yourself as you are.

I sincerely wonder, how can you have a closeted relationship if you're monitored that much when dating a guy? Online dating?

I don't know your exact situation, age, or what country you are from. If you're young, the situation may not last. I just wonder if perhaps in the future you'll have more options. Depending on how dire things are, it might mean getting away and starting over in a safe town/country. Which is really hard, it will entail a lot of change and sacrifice, and it may mean losing family support... but it also means living in freedom and getting a chance to know real love. There also might be resorces and support for you outside of family. It might not be something you feel strong enough to do now, but as you grow and become more stable it won't be impossible to do.

Also, worse case scenario, you could get creative. Like befriend a gay guy who wants out too, get married, use your resorces to get away, start over I hope you wouldnt have to resort to something like that and you'd have to be very careful, but my point is don't lose hope. There's always a way.

 

Hey Pixie, sorry for the late reply. I wanted to do some research to see if I could find some resources for you.

I really do not think it's in your head or a phase. You're 26 after all, not a kid going through puberty. Ultimately though, only you can know yourself. It's also really normal to not be aware of your attractions in a community or family who reject all gay relationships or are controlling. It's a survival skill, a defense mechanism to protect ourselves.

Honestly, I relate to your distress. At least in part. I grew up in an environment that is religious and doesn't support LGBT+ though I'm not monitored like you are and can live independently. I was worried about making a huge mistake marrying a man, when I wasn't even sure what I wanted. I too feared getting married only to realize I wasn't interested in sex or men. I needed to know. Since I've gone through this I know it's not easy dealing with that uncertainty. I know it's harder to be certain without interacting with others.

Ultimately you are an adult, if you want a relationship with a woman, even a closeted one, that's up to you. I only urge you to be careful. Because your emotional health should come first. Its easy to get tangled up in an unhealthy relationship or have a bad experience that may leave you confused or jaded. Also if you're found out, you need a support system in place. I'm not trying to discourage you, just take caution, okay? What are your plans to find a woman to date?

Can I assume you at least live in the U.S.? You don't have to tell me where as I understand you may need to keep that private. If you do live in the U.S. I think there are more resources for you like temporary housing, programs to help you get employment, food stamps, and food banks. There may be programs to help with LGBT or with leaving controlling religions/cultures. There are also LGBT+ affirming churches like the UCC or the MCC that could provide help. You could get employment and afford housing, without much education. Each state is different though so you may need to ask your therapist for some help or do online searches.

Where did you get the 1% stat? Also would you want to leave if you could?

You may be interested in the TorProject which provides a private web browser. It takes some effort to use but it's has better encryption than normal private browsers. It isn't good with video though as it's slow to load. If you wanted to use it for a dating site or a message forum it might be helpful.

Also, to become a full members here you need to post regularly for a few weeks and it can take a month or so the process the reques. So maybe look around and talk with some others. You might even make some friends ♡

 

You also might like the later in life section of the forums

https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?forums/lgbt-later-in-life.143/

 

I hope things are going okay now.

I am 55 so maybe we need late later in life fourm