I came out to my husband a few weeks ago after years of a tumultuous marriage that included a lot of emotional abuse towards me and our children. I should have left years ago before I even came to terms with my sexuality. But I was so stuck and saw it as my duty as a woman, wife and mother not to leave. Now our marriage is ending with him getting to blame everything on me. The last few weeks have been hell. Everyday is like a tidal wave. He goes from being supportive one moment to screaming the next. Then sobbing. Then verbally attacking me. All in front of the kids. I beg him to stop and think of the children's emotional well being but he is too caught up in his own pain. He has never been able to put his children's needs before his own. I need to get out but I have no money and don't want to uproot my kids again after just moving a few months ago to try and make a fresh start of our marriage. I'm scared and I know my kids are too. He is threatening to out me to everyone we know and even acquaintances. He is threatening a lawsuit. Last night he tore apart my closet, waking up the kids, saying I was destroying everyone's lives. I need help and so does he. I feel so unsafe but even more scared of what he will do if I leave with the kids. They have school and need a roof over their head and their rooms and their things. I am so terrified he will turn our kids against me. I feel like none of this was worth it. How can it be to be going through this hell.
Gosh, this must be horrible for you and your children. Have you got any family nearby that you could stay with, or would a women's refuge be an option? If you're worried about the safety of your children and yourself, then make that your priority. Everything else can sort itself out later. Would it be an issue if he did out you? Would family and friends support you? In this situation, I don't think it's worth staying just to avoid being outed.
I'm really sorry for what you're going through... As a kid who saw my mom live in such condition at some point, I can tell you that you should definitely leave this place as soon as you can. Being afraid of your father is something that scar children for life, and your safety comes first. Get help, either from an organization who helps woman, your family, or maybe even the child protection services can help relocate you and your kids in a safe place. Good luck and stay strong!
Ditto to what everyone else just said! Get out! And being outed might suck but isn’t the worst thing that could happen
Thank you. The kids and I are staying with family tonight and my plan is to continue this on the weekends but it's too far away to stay during the week for school. I've told him that I am limiting our in person contact as much as possible until we can go to mediation.
I'm glad that you're OK for the weekend and that you're taking action. Do you have any friends near school? Are you able to support your children and yourself financially? How long do you think you'll have to wait before you can get your own place? Can you phone a women's support line, as there might be some help available that could help you move out sooner? Do you jointly own your house? Would you necessarily have to move, particularly as he is being threatening? Sorry, a lot of questions.
The financial situation is really tricky because our home hasn't sold from where we moved but he borrowed a lot of money from his parents and bought the house we are living in now (without me seeing it). It's really messed up. His family is loaded. My family has no money but are the emotional support. Once our old house sells the money piece can get worked out. Until then I don't make enough to support myself to leave now while we are paying two mortgages. It's such a mess. I never should have moved. I wanted everything to be different and convinced myself being closer to family would make everything better and I could just click back into being a devoted wife and mother. I was so delusional to think that. Now everything is so much more complicated.
I'm sorry, that's a really difficult situation. Is it likely that your old house will sell soon? Would you be able to move back to that house and buy your husband out?
It likely won't sell until Spring or Summer now. No I'm not moving back there. I need to be close to my family for support. I was so isolated there. I need to take it one day at a time right now.
Sorry, didn't realise it was further away from your family. I really hope things improve for you soon. You can always post about it on here.
Freda I am so glad you have a safe space for you and the children this weekend. I don't know Canada, but in many communities in the USA there are Women's Centers, Domestic Abuse shelters, and other safe spaces for immediate counseling and maybe even a "safe house" (even YWCA might have advice). In some areas the police are beginning to be trained to ask safety questions if called out for a family disturbance. Does he have a gun or other deadly weapon? Has he threatened harm to you, the children, himself? (They ask better questions than that, but if any of those are "yes" then please don't re-engage without advice and protection). I've been told that the most volitle and dangerous time is during transitions (moving out, or going back - even if for picking up belongings). Be safe!
Thank you. My family are very supportive and will help protect us I know. He is a hunter so yes he has many guns in the home, but are locked up and not loaded. I gave him a crisis line to call to get help for himself. I think he needs an outlet to share his pain. One the one hand he is threatening to out me, but on the other he is terrified to tell people, especially his family, in fear of the backlash. I am hoping once it is out to those closest to us he will receive support from family and friends and have an outlet to share his anger and pain, which is justified of course, he is just exhibiting it so abusively towards me in front of the children which is not okay. I wish he could see past his own pain that he is causing them additional emotional harm. I feel helpless but also so guilty.
I would second what the others have said re reaching out for help as you have children that could be at risk then it might be possible to re-house or offer some sort of help re accommodation etc.
Hi Freda I agree with what the others say and get out and be on the safe side for you and the kids sake just incase it sounds like to me it is boiling up inside him my be not of his choice but he could explode at anytime Just take care and stay safe
Hey Freda, Please keep us updated as I am sure there are a lot of us worried for you right now. Remember that even besides being gay, you have every right to leave your marriage if you are not happy. There will be pain, but there is no reason to threaten to out you to everyone. That is just spiteful. You keep your head up, you are doing the right thing. Thinking of you and just want you to know we are all here to support you emotionally in any way we can. Stay strong xx
Thank you to everyone who has posted. I am still coming out to my parents and they are still getting used to the idea but their home will be our safe place. I told my husband that they now know which has alleviated things a bit because my dad is offering to be a support to him through text. We gave a safety plan that my husband agreed to. If he gets angry and can't control himself he will leave. If he doesn't leave, I will leave with the kids to my parents house. The thought of co-habitating until our house sells seems so overwhelming. But he is not ready to talk about separating until that happens. And financially I don't have a choice. Thanks for the support.
Glad to hear you have come up with a plan and some boundaries and that your family, though still getting used to the idea, are behind you and supporting you. Good folks you have there Goodluck, I will be thinking of you. I hope your place sells easily so you can move on with as little discomfort and pain as possible.
I am glad that you have a safety plan. Can i suggest that you keep a small bag packed in preparation also, paperwork, i.d, spare phone charger etc.and enough money to fuel the car. This can be good to leave in a shed, garage, patio etc, usually external to the house is a good decision. I hope all goes well for you. My heart goes out to you.
@Freda: Glad to see you're getting support and making the right moves. This might sound callous at this point but you've mentioned financial difficulties. Keep a record of all of his nonsense, especially involving the kids. Get witnesses. Evidence (videos, etc) if possible. This way you'll have a better chance of cleaning him out in the divorce. Just something to think about.
