Feel like I've f'd my life up...VENT

Thanks so much! That is very inspiring!

 

Thanks so much, @Butterflies85! I'm so glad that I can offer inspiration with my story.. even if I don't feel incredibly strong currently. It is all ups and downs. The down moments hurt so bad and I get lost in my negative thinking. But generally I am doing okay! It has been a bummer to realize just how few lesbians there are on dating apps in my city. The first week was exciting talking to everyone, and then it all fizzled. I do have plans tomorrow night with the first girl I met up (who initially said best to meet as friends when I told her my situation). She has been texting me so I asked if she wanted to get dinner. Now we are cooking together then heading to a new queer club after! Haha. I'm assuming it is still as friends but I guess who knows. I'm just trying to meet other lesbians and friends how I can, and get out as much as possible. So I am looking forward to it.

I see your situation as how I was only a few months back. It all just sounds so incredibly familiar. I developed intense tinnitus (ear ringing) the same week I started questioning my sexuality. The ringing got worse and my anxiety got terrible with everything as the months went on trying to deny this all. Interestingly as soon as I got over the hump of acceptance, the ringing has quieted and although my current situation is very stressful, I am not as terribly unhappy and depressed as I was. It is crazy what denial and stress can do to us. You can only keep it up for so long, and yes it is like treading water. It is all about baby steps. I keep waiting to get smacked in the face with a sudden realization of "AH YES I A GAY and I have to leave my husband!" or "I had this all wrong! All I want is my family!" But I am coming to realize that everything has been a slow and evolving process. It is like I a scratching my way, building my new path little by little. You will get to where you need to be.. like I said, as long as you are being as honest with yourself as possible.

 

yes, but you'll feel even more trapped by your circumstances. Ask me how I know!

I too can be a tad on the verbose side - no problem, thanks for sharing. It helps knowing that I'm not the only one trapped in my life... I sometimes just wish to buy a boat & sail away to a new life & new me... but being that selfish, unfortunately is not in me.

 

No problem! I go in modes where I don’t come on as often and get busy. Last weekend went great with my friend. You may have already read my update, but I had a really nice time. We made dinner and chatted and then had a ton of fun dancing at the queer club. We’ve been chatting every day since and I’ve developed a little crush on her.. so who knows I’m trying to read if things are still just as friends.. but I’m getting the feeling she may feel something more too. It’s almost scary to think of liking someone who may like me back. I’m scared of being vulnerable and getting hurt or if potentially hurting someone else if things change. All new feelings for me with dating! But exciting.

 

I was referred to this site today from a help resource centre I accessed around coming out. This thread stood out to me because it is basically what my husband keeps telling me over and over again - "You are fucking up our lives!!!"
I feel ill.
I am about to turn 36 in a month. My husband turns 40 a few months later. We have been together since I was 18 and he 22. We have two children 7 and 9.
I came out to him two weeks ago and we have no idea what the hell we are going to do.
I had an affair last year that he knew about, yet not all the details. I convinced myself it was just her, my connection to her, and my disconnect with him which led to the relationship. Our marriage had been in such a bad place for such a long time and I didn't even think my sexual orientation had anything to do with it. One of the hardest parts is processing how I blamed him for my own unhappiness and being unfulfilled in the marriage for so long, when it was actually a deep disconnect with myself and who I was, not just a disconnect with him, that was the root of the problems.
For the past 6 months we have been trying to start our lives over, we uprooted our family, moved to a new place to start a new life. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't live the rest of my life lying to myself or to him.
He is so furious. I feel like so guilty and devastated. The darkness is so overwhelming and it is so hard to see that this is going to be worth the pain I put everything through once it comes out to our family and friends. I feel like I am about to throw a grenade into my entire life and watch it blow up and have no idea how I am going to pick up the pieces.

 

Hey I'm really sorry you are going through this but EC is a really great place. You will find people with all sort of stories here, many like yourself. Try not to blame yourself for what is happening. Its natural your husband is angry and blaming you but in the long term it will be best for everyone.

 

Thank you for your words.

 

Thank you so much. This means more to me than I can express. I didn't realize how it would feel to read other people's stories in the same position or hear back but it really does mean the world to me. I feel so ashamed as a mother to be doing this to my family. One day at a time and we are seeking professional help which will hopefully assist us with establishing a plan for each other and our children.

 

I told myself all of these things for the past year. As painful as my affair was because of the guilt it has caused me, it was what needed to happen to show me what was one day possible if I was true to myself. I am still grieving the loss of that relationship as I am now dealing with the impending loss of my marriage. I know it is going to get worse before it gets better. But I have to believe one day I will be able to look in the mirror and like the person looking back. I finally understand that the only way I will ever be truly fulfilled in a future relationship is when I can love myself. I hope you are finding the support you need.

 

Well written. Most of these things were said by my therapist. Which I only looked for when I was in crisis mode...getting separated from husband, dealing with ‘am I gay?’ all at once... this too shall pass...don’t be negative about the future.

 

@Freda I am so sorry for what you are going through. I'm so glad you found this group! It has seriously helped me through this whole process.

I can relate a ton to what you are feeling. My husband and I went through a very painful several months as I sat on the fence thinking I was gay by unable to admit it fully. At a certain point we saw a separation as inevitable because it was obvious that my thoughts and feelings would not just go away one day. I had to figure this out completely. We are over a month into being separated, and overall I feel good though there are still many hard days that hurt. Overall I feel more calm about everything. My husband is an incredible man and father and I too felt like I was destroying my life. I still often do. Everything was "perfect" ..why would I want to do this? When in reality it obviously was not perfect because I too felt such a disconnect and emptiness. Once I admitted to myself my attraction towards women, that became such a massive part of who I am and I could not ignore it.

What you are going through right now is the worst part. The initial shock, fear, and life upside-down feelings. Take things day by day and talk them out with your husband as much as you are comfortable with. I also recommend seeing a therapist and writing in my journal. I was always way ahead in therapy and journaling than in real life.. life would eventually catch up. Your husband is hurting and is wanting someone to blame for the pain. Likely he we will come around to understanding what you are going through. Keep letting him know how hard this is on you.

You will have to come to a conclusion of what it is you really want. Some are able to be in mixed-orientation marriages, but I don't think I personally could do it as long as I know I am gay. Your answer may be different. I am still not in the clear "on the other side" but I am further through the flames and I can say that I am much more at peace than I was a couple months back. I already can see that things get better and will continue to get better.

Feel free to reach out anytime on my wall. I know how hard this all is. Be proud of how honest you are being with yourself. I know it is not easy and takes so much strength.

 

...because I've been doing it now for decades and even after you have a empty nest, you'll still have kids who are relying on you to be there to fulfill the role you've always held in their life and to take on the corresponding grandparent role in the lives of their children. Beyond that aging is not exactly known for imbuing one with an abundance of ambition & energy. -AND- The longer you live in your dank well of sorrow, the more you come to feel that it is "home".

I love sailing - my spouse not so much, perhaps one day the dream will be easier to realize than I now know.

 

Tha

thank you so much. Every day feels like a year right now.