so, I’m starting a new job in the next couple of weeks at a college in the Toronto area. This is the first job I’ll be starting since I realized/accepted my sexuality last year. I now have a girlfriend but still have trouble being totally open about that fact. My close family/friends know and are extremely supportive; in fact, I think they’re more accepting of me than I am of myself. I’ve always been very openly supportive of lgbt+ rights my whole life but I still don’t fully feel comfortable with myself and it’s frustrating. I guess the thought of having to “come out” my entire life every time I’m in a new situation is still very daunting to me. Anyways, back to this job. There will likely be the inevitable questions about my personal life and I’m just unsure of how to handle it. I am a very private person but I don’t want to have to constantly keep up a lie (or her to think I’m ashamed of her). I just worry about the awkwardness that can come from these conversations.. even if someone is accepting there is still that “oh...okay” moment. I’m not an overly confident person so these situations are difficult for me. Some social awkwardness as well. I also worry about if it will negatively affect my career which is infuriating to think about but can be true, sadly. Does anyone have experience with this? Advice/stories/thoughts?
Hi there! First off, congratulations on the new job! Hopefully it is something you like doing, and allows you to pursue your career goals. I don't think you have anything to worry about in the sense that you can control what you would like to share about yourself. Having worked in different places/environments, I have started out being careful in what I shared about myself, and how I communicated things about myself. I started out with the 'safe' things. When you think about the Canadian small talk topics, they usually revolve around the weather, vacations, hobbies/interests. Maybe use it as a starting point, and think about the topics you feel comfortable with, and use those to allow others to get to know you a little. I can imagine that some small talk topics could (potentially) be uncomfortable, but you can also take the lead of others when answering. One thing to keep in mind (for the time when you are more comfortable talking about yourself) is if you make your sexual orientation a big deal, others will too. In many ways, it depends more on how you approach a conversation or go into it. Once you feel comfortable enough to share with others more about yourself, you can walk into the conversation as if everybody already knows it. Like this, most people won't even pay too much attention to it. Someone might respond with "oh okay", but that's it. Usually colleges/universities tend to be accepting places, and have diversity policies in place. You should be fine. Given that you are supportive of LGBTQ+ rights, eventually that should give you some motivation to become a bit more comfortable with yourself, and accepting of yourself. Perhaps something to consider, working at a college you might be able to access a few of their support services. It might be worthwhile to see what's available. Some of the supports could be helpful to you in working on becoming more comfortable and accepting of yourself.
I think you should think about what you want to say and what not before you start working there. When I started at the job where I am still working now, one of the first questions was if I had a partner... So I would not hope that that question doesn't pop up, it's very probable that it will.
I had this exact struggle when I was first coming out and with my girlfriend. I didn't want to lie because long term it's even harder to undo the lie than it is to be honest in the first place. Those first few coming outs at work were horrendous in my mind, any small talk had me worried and my anxiety was through the roof but eventually opportunities arose where I either had to be honest or lie and as hard as it was I just went for it and Mirko is right the less you make of it, the quicker the conversation moves along to something else. Of course you don't have to share anything you don't want to but for me I think coming out to more people in different situations helped me accept myself as I saw that nobody was actually really that bothered. I recently started another new job and it always pops up in my mind that I will have to tell everyone but now just is more of a minor detail than a dreaded fear. I think coming out whilst annoying gets much easier the more you do it.
I know that moment you speak of. That slight change in facial expression when you are aware of the person ticking that checkbox mentally. I had one of those conversations yesterday with a new colleague. I agree with what others have said about it getting easier. Also with the not making it a big thing. I just use she when referring to my partner and know it is done. It is understandable that it is uncomfortable and that you worry. Best of luck to you.
Hey congrats on the new job! I agree with the other posters who say the more you do it, the easier it is. I understand those first few times are so incredibly intimidating. It's true though, the less you make of it, the less they'll make of it. I've changed jobs twice in the last year and a half (hopefully this is IT until retirement lol) and the 'ripping off a bandaid' technique has worked very well for me. Just as most in hetero relationships quickly and casually mention their 'status,' I have done the same with good results. Almost everyone I work with knew I was gay within the first week, but it was subtle. I try hard not to put it in people's faces...but at the same time it's a basic fact about me, like that I have a pet dog or that I'm a musician. At this point it's just a natural part of allowing people to get to know me. I've never had any blatant backlash from it. I figure those that take issue with my sexuality simply don't seek friendship beyond the necessary working relationship, and that's fine by me. Best of luck to you! I know it's scary but honestly most people are pretty decent. If anything, the most uncomfortable part can be those who are not only supportive, but overly curious haha.
Hey Canadian, congrats on the new job! The best way I know of to let people know (and they don't have to know, by the way) is to say it "straight", that is, you could for example mention her into some Monday morning conversation as follows: "Over the weekend, my girlfriend/partner/wife and I went to this fantastic restaurant/play/hiking trip, etc. You say it as a matter-of-fact, you mention her as frequently as your colleagues mention their significant others, and you make no big deal about it. Don't pause to look for acknowledgement or for any kind of reaction to this disclosure, if they want to ask, be open about it, but treat your relationship with the same degree of normalcy as they treat theirs.
canadian.....Congrats on the job! I agree with greatwhale...take a que from others in the workplace, if they talk about their SO, you can too. Maybe a little low-key as you are the new girl. I also thought that a nice picture of the two of you on your desk might help. I have heard that Toronto is a very LGBT friendly city, I hope that is true and makes things easier for you. ....David
We are fortunate to live in Canada. Our rights are protected by our laws, both federal and provincial. You live your life and don’t worry about anyone else. You have nothing to be ashamed of and every right to live your life to the fullest. The fact that you have found love is indeed something to be proud of. Join a Pride organization, OPS (Ontario Public Service), or a union Pride Organization or something and you’ll feel better seeing that you are part of a community. Congratulations on the new job!
Thanks so much for this! I’m sure it’s a bigger deal to me than to other people and I’ll try your approach of walking into a conversation as if everyone knows it. I think I’ll always be a private person by nature but hopefully the longer I work there, the more comfortable I get. Also a great point on seeking services at the college. I will definitely look into it because I think it would help. Again, I appreciate your thoughtful answer
I definitely still working on the acceptance part but it’s nice to hear that sharing with other people helped you accept yourself more. Maybe I’ll get used to having to come out in every new situation at some point! At least, I hope I will I appreciate you sharing your experience!
Haha, I have noticed that some people show their support by asking a lot of questions! Sometimes these questions are very specific but I know they usually mean well. I guess word may spread if I mention my gf. I’ve been in a group of straight people before and heard the “oh apparently she/he is gay” conversation a few times. Even if it’s not in a bad way, people still like to talk about it. I’ll try not to worry about that too much! You’re right about maintaining strictly professional relationships if necessary. That’s fine by me and usually how I roll anyways. Thank you!!
The matter-of-fact approach and not waiting for their reaction is a great point. I guess I just picture that awkward silence but I’ll try not to be too awkward on my end. Hopefully if I treat it with normalcy then it’ll be met in that way. I loved your response — thank you!
Thank you! I will definitely look into joining an organization. I’ve thought about joining something before since EC has been so helpful. It’s now on my to-do list And Im definitely grateful that I live in Canada. thanks again!
Hi Canadian, My approach is similar to what others have mentioned. Yes, at first it can feel like we will always need to constantly "come out", but over time I have begun to see it as "coming out as having a boyfriend" in the same way as a hetero person "comes out" as having a partner - that is, they are merely finding out I am in a relationship, and I make no big deal about the gender of my partner. So "coming out" feels much smaller, and is no different to me disclosing any other part of myself, such as where I live or what my hobbies are. It sure helps that I do have a partner for these conversations but I'm sure that even if I didn't, I would find a similar approach. I do find it helps if my orientation/my partner is only a passing point, and not the main topic of conversation. For example, if I've been to an interesting place on the weekend, I'll make the conversation about that, and just happen to mention who I was there with in passing. Or if others are talking about a current news topic etc, I might add something like "its interesting you say that, because I was talking to my boyfriend/partner on the weekend, and he summed it up quite nicely as...." etc. In such cases there's zero opportunity for that awkward pause, as I'm already moving on to the core of the conversation, which is something entirely different, without there ever being a chance for a pause. You'll be fine. I've found that people rarely bat an eyelid about it, unless I pause and specifically look for it! And others have said, congrats on the new job!!
You're welcome. Definitely, the longer you work at a place, and start to get to know others, you will get more comfortable with opening up. When I started working at my current place several years ago, I was pretty quiet and reserved at first. I did my work, and shared only bits and pieces about myself. However, as I continued to get to know my co-workers, and the more I learned about them, I started letting go too. Giving it time will help.
Congrats on the new job! As long as the college is a typically liberal and open minded institution I can't imagine anyone reacting negatively to you being gay. Lucky that you have a girlfriend so you can mention her like straight people mention their significant others in general conversation about life, as others suggested. You have supportive people in your life and you are open about supporting LGBT issues so that's all great. I guess you could say you're super private and don't discuss your personal life, but I think that would only inspire rumors and weirdness so I don't seriously suggest it. I think you should commit to mentioning your gf the first chance you get so it's over with and it won't be so bad. I don't mean to minimize your concerns and they are fully valid, but I always figured if I had a bf and supportive family and friends I'd be fairly willing to be out to new people in a safe environment. Not saying it would be easy, but I bet you can do it with all you have going for you. I do hope it goes well and you love the job!
