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My 20 year old son just came out to me and I feel....

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by JakersMom, Nov 14, 2017.

  1. JakersMom

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    Again, this support is wonderful... I came here looking for support from other parents in my same situation, but what I have found is support from people who are much more like my son in experience than me, and the gain is immeasurable! Of course I need support from other parents, but more than that I want to know that I am doing right by HIM. You all have been so helpful in letting me know I’m not failing him despite my own struggles.

    I think after the big “reveal”, he is probably wondering what I’m thinking. He is that kind of guy. He would never show it, but I know he cares about what I think, even if he doesnt ask. I need to get together with him again and let things flow. I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling after telling me, but I would imagine that after coming out to your Mom, that there might be a few things swimming around in his head>.

    This is an awkward situation for both of us and I will so take the first step into the next step, but I need a little help as to how approach the subject again. I do NOT want any elephants in any room but I also dont want it to be the focus of ever time I see him. Still, this is fresh for both of us...

    I am so open to advice and suggestions right now....

    JakersMom
     
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  2. Islanzadi

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    You're right about not wanting this to be the focus every time you see him! It shouldn't be. He's still the same boy, it's just that now you know something about him you didn't know before. Since it's still pretty fresh for me too, I can only give you "advices" based on my personnal experience. There are other ways for sure, but I'm not the one to tell you those!

    So personnally, my mom and my sister didn't act any differently after my coming out than before, and I loved it. My stepfather, however, started saying a lot of gay/lesbian references/jokes/etc when he spoke to me, and I really hated it. I eventually had to ask him to shut up about it as he was really annoying me, and since he almost accidentally outted me to some people I didn't want to be out to. I just wanted everything to stay the same with my friends and family. And when my mom decided to come to me to talk about who knew, who she could or couldn't tell, etc. she just told me: "Hey, about what you told me the other day, I just wanted to know some things to avoid speaking out too much" and that was just fine.

    So again, this is how I lived it, it might be different with your son depending on how good he feels about it and how your relation with him usually is, etc. Just remember that he is the same as before! :slight_smile:
     
  3. johndeere3020

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    JakersMom I would have wanted my parents to just be honest and openly ask their questions. Maybe just start out asking, I have some questions may I ask? Make sure to include "how can I support you now and into the future?"

    Take care Dean
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    Are there any questions that you want to ask him? Maybe if you share them with us first (just as they come to mind) we can give you our thoughts and opinions before you go to him with them.

    How about sending him a card to thank him for telling you and reminding him how much you love him and how proud you are of him. I think that would be quite nice and would demonstrate that you are open to further conversation and it's not just left hanging in the air.
     
    #24 PatrickUK, Nov 17, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2017
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  5. smee

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    I can't add much to what everyone else has said, but I do want to say that everything that you have gone through and all of the feelings that you have felt since you two talked, I'm sure that he has also gone through all of it in his own way and is growing from the experience. He's your son and it sounds as if it's one more thing that you share.
     
  6. mbanema

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    I would just like to offer another perspective from someone whose mother didn't ask if he was gay. For years I tiptoed around any hint of interest in the opposite sex and did my best to evade any questions about girlfriends, dating, etc., but for a long time I wished my parents would have just asked me (I know this is unusual though). I think Assuming it was done in a non-threatening way, I'm quite sure I'd tell the truth, but for whatever reason I've never been able to get myself to initiate that conversation. Probably because my family never really discusses anything personal, but who knows, maybe I'm just messed up.

    I reached that point several years ago, and now I'm 31 and without much hope for the future. I would have been gutted had my parents been devastated by my coming out, but aside from that I honestly don't think I would have cared much about how they reacted and I guarantee I would have been extremely relieved and grateful if they responded the way that you did. You're accepting and only really care about what you can do to be supportive -- I don't think your son could ask for much more than that. Honestly right now he's probably not even thinking much about that; he's more likely just trying to pinch himself and realize that he's now free to be himself without hiding such a huge part of who he is from the world. Even if he doesn't show it outwardly, internally he's celebrating that he was able to get this massive weight off his shoulders without his whole world collapsing.

    You'll definitely get conflicting responses on this, but if I were out I wouldn't want my parents to ask me a bunch of questions or want to talk about it endlessly, just to know that they support me, don't feel any differently about me, and are willing to talk if I wanted to. You know the type of relationship the two of you have though.

    Anyways, my point is that you shouldn't beat yourself up over this as I think you've handled everything quite well and your son is in a much better position to be happy now as a result.
     
  7. JakersMom

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    I guess I’m not even sure what to ask him at this point in general but I for sure want to ask him what I can do to help support him. He hasn’t told his Dad yet and had asked me if I thought he will be surprised. I told him that yes, I felt his Dad would be surprised but would never be upset or judge him. His Dad and I have a pretty good relationship. I told my son that I would be there to help support in any way when the time comes for him to tell his Dad. He appreciated that.

    I sent him a text asking what his schedule is for next week. I told him I wanted to take him to a good Chinese place he hadn’t been yet. He said he’d let me know. Hopefully that pans out as he is pretty busy living his life. He only just moved out on his own this last August and is loving it. Things will probably flow the way they are suppose to when we do get together again.

    As of today, I think the shock has worn off and thats a good thing. This doesnt need to be the focus of my brain because no, he is still the same guy! I just needed to get through that shock and all that went with it in my own time. I think some more questions, thoughts and feelings will surface again after we chat... that is if we chat about it at all? Ill have to gauge where he is at with that.

    Again, thank you for the amazing support! I love having you all in my pocket!!
     
  8. brainwashed

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    Well JakersMom, I would say you were successful. Want to research how parents react, good and bad. Read Farm Boys by Will Fellows. Reading this book will give you insight - parents, family, how the coming out male feels.

    Reading any gay themed book, specially this one, will get you into the "mind set" of the gay world. Amazon has links to used copies of this book that are cheap.

    Reading a book will empower you. (hint, this way you do not have to ask so many questions)
     
    #28 brainwashed, Nov 19, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2017
  9. JakersMom

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    LOL... thank you brainwashed! I would love to have that insight!
     
  10. brainwashed

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    Warning: If you read Farm Boys, it may change your life. It changed mine. How, why? It broadened my horizons. It taught me what other kids did when they were transitioning from kid to young adult. There are parts in the book that will make you happy. There are parts that will make you sad. One coming out story gave me the shakes.
     
  11. JakersMom

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    I just got back from having dinner with my son. It was wonderful! The conversation was so easy and there was no awkward moments as to what to say, not to say, or how much to talk about it. He seemed more than comfortable talking about things as if we had always been on the same page since day one. This helps me immensely because it shows his trust in me.

    I asked him how he had been doing since we last talked as far as any thoughts, or worries after telling me. He said no, not at all. I said I imagined there would be since he had just come out to his MOM! His response was “No, I know you so I wasn’t worried”. That was awesome! He then asked “how about you”. I was honest. I told him that was pretty shook up and upset for a few days and he emmidiately asked “about me???”. He looked scared. I told him NOT AT ALL. I told him I’m actually very excited for him and his future and that my upset was over myself and being clueless. I told him the things I told you all. He, of course never thought twice about me in that regard, or felt I should have known. That was very helpful to me too. What a great kid I have!

    I even told him about the friend I got together with the night he told me. He knew I was going to share with her because her son is also gay. I told him how that went and how she and I actually said something about getting the two of them together as they are the same age and have met in the past. I wasn’t sure how that was going to go over, but a little later he asked how much farther we went with that conversation, as if he was open to the idea. I even showed him her son’s FB page.

    This may seem odd (but of course it isnt) but its been 20 years and I’ve wanted to experience with him the ups and downs of being in a romantic relationship. I never understood why he didnt have a girlfriend all these years until the shocking reveal. I told him that now I was so excited to know he could be open to have that experience and that I couldnt wait to have him share it with me!

    I still feel bad about how dramatically I reacted in the days after he told me. Of course it was not outward drama, but private drama. Most of all though I’m relieved to have gotten over the initial roller coaster of emotions and looking forward to an even better and more open relationship with me son. I love him so DAMN MUCH.

    He is going to gtg with some guy friends tonight. They don’t know, but he is contemplating telling them all tonight. I told him to let me know how it went, good or bad and that I would be there.
     
  12. silverhalo

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    Yay that's such a great update. Must make you feel so good.
     
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  13. Sadmama

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    That's so great. Don't beat yourself up about your reaction. I had a similar one and am so glad I didn't let on to my son. It's so strange when you truly don't care if your child is gay, but you freak out on the inside anyway. You should read this article. It's so good!

    https://upallhours.com/article/the-night-my-son-told-me-he-was-gay
     
  14. SeulgiBunny

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    Nor my mom nor my dad accepts the fact that i'm lesbian, they tell me that i'm just confused :/.
     
  15. brainwashed

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    Well this in really interesting. Why? Because I ask myself if my mom ever thought I was gay. She's deceased so I'll never get the opportunity to ask her. I just cant phantom a mother not asking herself this, so your story JakersMom fascinates me.

    She asked me one time on the beach in Mexico (Mexico is really close to Phoenix), "when are you going to get a girl?" And then another time after she figured out that I totally lacked "emotional & intimacy" skills (basically due to child abuse in my mid teens) she said, "I do not know what is going to become of you." I just couldn't figured out why she asked me that. I never dated in high school nor college. Never went to a school dance. Lots more nevers.

    She couldn't be that clueless could she?

    So JakersMom your story fascinates me to some degree.
     
    #35 brainwashed, Nov 22, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2017
  16. brainwashed

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    Being informed can make a person more human.
     
  17. silverhalo

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    I really think people can be that clueless. I never dated and was never really that interested in guys and still it took me until I was 26 to question my sexuality so I really don't think it's strange haha.
     
  18. JakersMom

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    Brainwashed,

    I guess my picture is in the dictionary under clueless! I also ask myself why and how I could have missed it. I don’t live under a rock and my best friend is a lesbian!! I also have several other friends/co-workers who are lesbians and one man who is gay. I didnt pick up on him either until he told me.

    As far as my son, he doesnt fit the stereotype. Not that anyone needs to, but sometimes thats a good clue. He had lots of girl crushes in elementary school and lots of girls crushed on him so I was confused when nothing came out of that during Highschool. He even told me that he never had any attractions to ANYONE in Highschool. He has always been a very mature kid. He didnt go for the name brand wearing, follow the pack of popularity kind of thing. He wasn’t a loner but kept his number of friends close and small. He was happy and lays assured me when I would express concern and ask. I figured his lack of having a girlfriend was his own indifference. He really only liked people that were “real” and Highschool isnt full of those unfortunately.

    Its actually a relief now to know. I had always been concerned that he might be lonely or bored because he didnt do much socially except occasionally with his close friends and usually only one at a time. His father and sister both have social anxiety so I also thought he had inherited the same trait. Now I know. Now HE knows and Im so excited to share his freedom with him!
     
  19. JakersMom

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    EXCELLENT article and exactly how I felt. I didnt understand why I cried so hard privately until I figured it out myself too. I was mourning the death of what I thought I knew and the little fantasy future I had assumed.

    After realizing that, I was able to let go ot it and get excited about the future!

    Thank you!
     
  20. brainwashed

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    Ya, reflecting a bit, I guess it's not out of range of possibility for a mother to not ask, is my son gay? Good point. Thank you.