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Falling in love with my best friend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by SamG11, Nov 14, 2017.

  1. SamG11

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    hey


    I’m a 17 year old guy still confused about his sexuality, in the closet of course. I’m liking both guys and girls, but my strongest attraction is to my best friend (also a guy).

    He’s beautiful, his eyes, his charm, everything. Every night I dream of just laying in bed with him. I just want him to hold me and I want to be with him all the time.



    The fucking terrible part is... he has a girlfriend.



    Sometimes, I get mixed signals and feel like he likes me back, or is curious and wants to explore. I’ve never told him my feelings for him... but I think it’s pretty obvious. I’m always staring at him, and try to get as close as possible. We hang out every single day, and I try to flirt as much as possible.


    I’ve had anxiety and depression all my life, and adding this on top of this has made it even worse. At night I question my feelings and existence, and ask myself if I should even be here. Why am I in love with him? Why can’t I just love woman? I ask these all the time...


    He always jokes around in a flirtatious way. He winks at me and sits on my bed and try’s to look sexy. I laugh and smile. But when I try to get close he yells “gay! your disgusting!” And 5 minutes later is back to doing the same thing....


    Super confused.
    Super mad.
    I need help.
     
  2. kayaz

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    I don't know how to help you. I've been in the same situation for maybe 6 year with my best friend. (i've known her for over a decade). But I'm just letting you know that your not alone.
    I hope everything turns out okay. <3
     
    SamG11 likes this.
  3. SamG11

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    Thank you :frowning2:

    This is terrible, everyone I end up liking is in a relationship or is straight.
     
  4. Euler

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    Hi,

    These kind of situations are always tricky. Unfortunately for you it sounds like your friend is straight since you haven't really given anything to suggest otherwise. Statistically speaking the overwhelming majority of men are strictly straight. It is an unfortunate stereotype that only gay men would like physical and emotional closeness. Since you are into him you will try to interpret all the signs so that they would support your hopes.

    I'm also guessing that your anxiety and depression might be combined with the feeling of not being loved in the past and now you feel someone really cares about you albeit probably not in the way you wished.

    I don't know what to tell you. If you stick around with him you will probably remain in love with him. Overtime that might go away but it might take years. If you don't mind risking being out to other people (or you would trust him not to tell it forward) maybe you could tell him. Chances are the friendship might get awkward and even die but then at least you will get over it sooner.

    You might find it also helpful to talk to a therapist. After all, you have a history of depression and anxiety and 9/10 cases it means you have not really dealt with them properly.
     
  5. SamG11

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    I feel like I shouldn’t even be here or im not normal, because like you said everyone is straight. And I’m just different...


    I’m supposedly catholic, (parents and family is) but I don’t understand why god would create so much unfairness and suffering in the world for anyone.


    Only reason I’m here is to hopefully one day have someone who would hug me and love me for me. But hope is the only thing keeping me here, and somedays that hope fades away....
     
  6. kayaz

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    *hugs* Be gentle with yourself. Much love.
    -Kayden
     
  7. Euler

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    I didn't say everyone is straight, just that about 19 out of 20 are. You are not as different as you think.

    You need to take a step back, take a deep breath and think. You said you are not sure about your orientation which is fair enough. I'm 30 and neither am I. I can't say are you gay, straight or something else. All I'm hearing you saying is "I'm feel alone and unloved and I want someone to love me." That is very human and sadly very common.

    When I was younger (and to some extent still today) I tend to develop really strong feelings for people who make me feel that they care about me (irrespective if they actually care or not). Do you love your friend because he makes you feel loved? Do you feel loved and cared by your family and friends? (Note: knowing you are loved is very different from feeling loved. I know my parents love me yet I don't feel it in my heart and that's crucial difference.)
     
  8. Gravity

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    As hard as it might be, when your friend tells you he's not comfortable with you getting close, or other things, my best suggestion is to believe him. His other actions could have any number of reasons, but if he doesn't want you that close, he doesn't want you that close, and as others have been saying, that implies he may not be all that interested in men.

    One question for you - how many LGBT people do you know? Any? Or are you the only one in your social circle in any way? If you don't know any LGBT folks, that may be part of why you're feeling so different and isolated. Your profile mentions you're in Boston, and there are many LGBT community organizations in Boston (or the Greater Area). Have you ever visited any of them? Or looked for any of them?

    It sounds like your family's take on their religious tradition may be a factor here as well. Are your parents at all supportive of LGBT people/issues? It might also help to know that there are some LGBT-friendly Catholic organizations out there - DignityUSA is a major one. They're even based in Massachusetts. :slight_smile:

    Hope some of this helps!
     
  9. no reality

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    I know exactly how you feel dude, I'm in love with my best friend too and almost every night I lie awake wishing I could love him and hold him forever, and yes he has a girlfriend too and he can often be uncomfortable with physical touch. He is the first and only person that I actually love and I feel safe and accepted when he is with me. I wish that I could love women but I don't see them in the same way I see him, I just feel like i'm not alone for once when I'm with him. I know he probably doesn't feel the same way about me but I know that he does feel love for me in some kind of way and I guess I'd rather just be like a brother to him and be able to at least be close than try to be more and risk loosing him. That's basically the decision you have to make also, either accept that it won't get any better than this or tell him your feelings for him and risk losing it all. I really wish there was a better way out of this situation but I haven't seen it yet, and trust me I've seen a lot of posts from a lot of guys gay/straight/bi/whatever that have been in the same situation that you and I are in.
     
  10. mlansing

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    Been in this exact same situation, and it is not a happy place to be. I would bet good money that he knows you like him and enjoys the attention. To a certain extent, this is just human nature, because people like being adored and admired. But, it also sounds like he's baiting you only to then mock you and get a good kick out of it, which is not ok.

    Sure you guys are young and maybe he just doesn't realize that his actions are harmful to you, but whether he realizes it or not is besides the point. It seems to me that at the end of the day he just doesn't respect you or your feelings, which is all the more painful given how much you care about him.

    I could give two pieces of advice here but they would both be accomplishing the same thing, which would be to break you free from your torment. One would be to tell him how you feel, the other would be to distance yourself and hang out with other people.

    Both would be hard to do, but I would wager less hard than staying in an agonizing situation. It's your call, though, and I hope the best for you in your situation however you handle it.