Feeling confused

Hi all,
First time poster and reader of this forum so hopefully I've put this in the right place.

Looking for some advice I suppose or perhaps just a place to post about my recent experience and have someone to talk to. I will warn you that this post is likely to be long, so hopefully it doesn't bore you too much.

I'm a 43 year old woman. Been married for fifteen years and have two children. All my relationships have been with men and I've never had a sexual attraction to women until recently, after I met someone online. It's strange because I've always been quite masculine in how I dress and the things I like to do. Most people assume that I'm gay but it's never been something I've identified with until I met this woman online and fell in love with her.

We've been 'dating' online for a year. We have known each other longer than that, about two years. We play the same mobile game and I found myself becoming increasingly attracted to her. It took me a long time to say anything, especially because she never identified as being gay either, has always been in heterosexual relationships and has no sexual experience with women.

Once I got the courage to tell her how I feel we started 'dating' . She lives overseas and we have never physically met, but It was so intoxicating, especially for the first few months. I literally felt as if I was completely high, I had never experienced anything like that before. It's been a year now and things have settled, I don't get the same rush as I did in the first few months but I'm still deeply attracted to her and love spending time with her.

because it's likely to be at least another year before we can physically meet I felt like I needed to explore my sexuality a little and decided that I would book myself in to an erotic massage parlour. I discussed it with her and she was fully supportive of me and encouraged me to do it. I made the booking and was very excited and nervous.

I've enjoy giving other people pleasure sexually but have always struggled when it comes to receiving. Reaching orgasm has always been difficult for me. I can make myself orgasm but with others it's always been hard.

After being in this lesbian relationship I thought that maybe my difficulties were a result of me being gay and that I would find it easier to be aroused with a woman. I'm certainly very aroused by my girlfriend and since dating her I've found that my interest in men is non existent and that i really enjoy lesbian porn.

So, last night I went to the massage parlour. I booked an hour and a half but I was very nervous so we spent the first half just talking while sitting in a spa bath. I then relaxed a little and we did other things. I really enjoyed exploring her body. It felt nice and I enjoyed it but I was surprised to find that I had no sexual reaction to the experience at all. I didn't feel anything and I wasn't aroused. I didn't feel that tingly sensation you usually get when kissing someone new, I came nowhere close to achieving an orgasm and was surprised that I literally felt nothing. She was attractive and beautiful and very nice, so I left feeling very surprised and confused.

So now I'm not sure what to think. I still have deep feelings for the woman I'm dating but I don't know if that will translate physically when we do meet and it's going to be at least another year before I find out. At this stage I'm feeling rather lost and I'm really not sure what do to or think.

 

It doesn't look like I can edit my post, so adding a new comment instead
My husband and I haven't had a sexual relationship for about 5 years. we are friends and not lovers and essentially separated, however I am in the process of building up the courage to formally separate and hopefully I will have the will power to do so soon.

But considering that ive not had physical intimacy in so long its one of the things that really surprised me when I experienced so little feeling during my encounter.

My girlfriend is aware of my situation both in terms of marriage and my experience last night. its strange how I am able to be so completely honest with her but struggle to do so with my husband

Where i live, brothels and erotic massage parlours are legal, clean and well regulated. its one of the reasons why I chose that path, because its safe and with no fear of developing feelings or ongoing relationship. I just wanted to experience what it was like to physically be with a woman, and I chose a massage parlour because I know how difficult I can be to please and hoped that a professional would make it easier. but thinking about it, choosing to do it this way is probably my downfall. Not having that intimacy, or real feeling of love, trust and affection was probably a significant contribution to how I felt, or more accurately, didn't feel.

 

Thanks for the replies ☺️
I did have a couple one night stands when I was younger. I don't recall feeling much with those either, but it was a very long time ago. I've only physically been intimate with two people, well now three, in the last 25 years. Prior to my marriage I was in another long term relationship of ten years.

I've never been very sexually responsive. Ive always enjoyed giving more than receiving and have always struggled to orgasm with another person. It takes a great deal of concentration and effort for me to do so even with my husband and previous partner.

With my relationship with the woman online I find it very easy. I know it's different to being intimate in person, but just the thought of her drives me wild. I find her incredibly sexy and intoxicating. So it led me to beleive, what appears to be an incorrect, conclusion, that my difficulties stemmed from the fact that I was sleeping with men. But that doesn't seem to be the case. It seems to be less related to gender and more about my feelings towards the person I'm with .

I have come to realise however that I do prefer the female body over men's. I found it a lot sexier to look at and touch. I did enjoy feeling her body at lot more than I've ever enjoyed touching a man and I was surprised at how different it felt to my own body... If that makes any sense

I've been thinking about the experience a lot and spoken to my girlfriend about it. My original doubts have faded, because my desires and feelings for her are as strong as ever. And while the experience wasnt what I expected and was confusing I think it will be very different when I'm with her and not some stranger ive paid for.

 

I've definately had that dopamine rush, even just when talking to her. And intensely, unlike anything ive ever experienced with anyone else. There are times when I feel completely high when Im with her. The first several months I felt like I was in a foggy haze of excitement, lust and love and although things have settled a little I still feel it when I'm with her. I still get a rush when thinking of her, spending time with her

 

I will be separating from my husband, irrespective of my feelings towards or my relationship with my girlfriend.

My relationship with my husband has been plutonic for a long time and neither of us are happy. But we do have two children and that is what has kept us together. The fact that we never fight helps as well - but I think that's a side effect of the lack of passion in our relationship. But there is no future for us, not in a romantic sense, so it's not fair for either of us or for the children to stay together in a dead end relationship.

I should have broken it off with him much sooner but I've always been a Coward when it comes to these things. I had intended to do it last weekend, prior to my sexual encounter with the woman, but I chickened out. I'm hoping to have the courage and fortitude to do so this weekend. And if I do manage to do it then I hope it will be civilised and with as little trauma as possible. He is an amazing father and I love him as a friend and I hope that continues.

My parents had a unique relationship when I was growing up. They separated when I was young, about six years old. For similar reasons to myself and my husband. They had no passion but loved each other as friends. They then did something that i now find amazing but at the time I didn't fully appreciate the difficulty of. And that is they they stayed together, not as a couple but as flat mates in the same house. My mum cared for us children, my dad continued to work and support her to do so but they were not romantically involved. They each dated other people and openly. They did this to keep the family together, and even more amazingly I don't recall them ever fighting or bickering. And their partners seemed ok with the situation too. It wasn't until I was older that I fully appreciated what they did for us and how strong they were to be able to achieve it.

I am hoping I can do the same with my husband. (The key difference being that I have my own career that is well established and stable so would not be financially supported) but I would like to move into the studio apartment that we have in our home. So that we still live together as a family, work together as a family, and be for each other as a family but also have our own separate lives and loves. I'm just not sure if he will go for that.

 

I've never really considered therapy. I usually just try work things out on my own or talk to people online lol. It's something I would consider though, I guess. I've never really thought about it. At this stage I don't see myself talking to one, but things might change ☺️

 

Hi Quantum ☺️
I'm not sure I feel comfortable seeing a therapist. I've always struggled to open up and tell others how I feel. I don't like the vulnerability. I find it much easier to reach out and discuss things online than I ever have in person.

It would also be difficult for me to start seeing a therapist without it raising lots of questions from my husband and children asking where I am going and why. And if I'm going to be answering those questions then I should be doing so in the context of finally having a discussion with my husband about separating.

We need to separate regardless of my sexual orientation. We've been stagnant for a very long time and there is no hope for recovery. I have no sexual attraction to him at all, and haven't for about five or six years. I don't think he has any towards me either. There is no intimacy or romantic affection between us.

Life is too short to stay in an unfulfilling relationship, and as I get older I can't believe how quickly time passes. I'm shaking my head that Christmas is already approaching and wondering where the year has gone.

I just need the courage to talk to him about it, to make a change. And hopefully we are both adult enough to do it in a way that has the least impact on the children and each other. He is a good man and a wonderful father and the children need both of us in their lives in a loving and nurturing environment.

As for me and therapy. I have a few things that I can use to help me through the process. Speaking online to others such as yourself and those in this community is helpful. Even just the act of putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper helps.

I've been involving myself in a spirituality recently, one that aligns with my beliefs and has been helping me along my journey. It has a lot of techniques that I've been finding helpful, things like regular meditation, introspection.

I'm also going to be doing a writing competition in November (I posted a thread about it to the forums but it appears to have been deleted for some reason). This year I plan to write a fictionalised version of myself, my life. I find writing to be very therapeutic and hope that the process of doing so will help bring some clarity and help to focus my thoughts inwards. I find creative expression very healing and therapeutic.

Anyway, that's another long rant as usual, sorry lol

 

I did it. Spoke to my husband about separation and that I thought I was gay.

We had a long talk and I think things will work out ☺️ he's a good man

 

I will move into the flat and see how it goes. It's not such a big change from now because we haven't shared the same room for awhile now. Except now he knows that I want to explore my sexuality with others and have my own space.

This way we are all still together and the kids can be cared for by both of us like we are now.

But the conversation is still young. I think we both need time to process things.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling to be honest. I think I need some time for it all to sink in.

 

Thanks all
My husband is a good man. Caring and generous. I feel terrible about hurting him but the writing has been on the wall for a long time. I hope that we manage to maintain the strong friendship we have as we continue to move forward.

I will be going away for a few days. It will be a good opportunity to clear my head a little