I am a lesbian but I struggle with an obsession over a boy who just asked me out and I am torn..

Hi everyone! I am new to this site so let me just introduce myself first:

I am a 17 year old girl from a small christian country, Austria.

I went through the realisation that I was gay (used synonymously for lesbian because I don't feel comfortable using that word to describe myself) two years ago. A year later, around Christmas, I started feeling pressured into outing myself to a few close friends because I couldn't stand it anymore. I spent so many nights crying, fighting myself, being scared and feeling isolated and I finally managed to come out to my best friend via text.
Half a year later I finally finished telling all my friends.
One evening I drunkenly confessed my feelings to a close friend, the one who made me realise that my feelings were more than just platonic. I cried a lot, begged her to keep it secret, told her that I would never act on my feelings or do anything to hurt her relationship with her boyfriend, that I never wanted to tell her, how sorry I was about the situation and asked her to understand that my unwanted feelings were the reason why I had stopped talking to her. (On a note: she didn't keep it secret )

Anyways, after coping with all that, losing friends, etc. I'm finding myself in a confused state of mind again.
It's not like I had not been asked out by boys (just not the prettiest boys tbh) .. but it's not until I met a friend of my brother's named Jake that I started questioning myself again.
Jake is a handsome guy, he has a cute laugh, is pretty enthusiastic about his first year at college, values my opinion a lot, is a great listener, funny, shares my political opinion, has great values and is outgoing.

When I used to think I was straight (until I was 13 - then I thought I was bi and then finally gay) guys like him would have been far out of my league. He still would be.

I started taking a lot of interest in him (like wanting to know about him), hanging out with him (only when my brother, his friend - who I am not out to yet bc of his religiosity - was present), snap chatting him, sending him mostly pretty selfies (but always trying to not look to pretty).
Basically I was trying very hard to get to know him and be noticed by him.

Now he's asked me out. Or at least I think so.

Last weekend he asked me if I wanted to go to a local bar everyone goes to, to hang out and chat. I talked my brother into going that day and me and jake ended up talking even two hours after my brother had left. We drove around in his car, talked about all sorts of things and I felt really comfortable apart from the fact that I was worried he might think that I might be interested in him. He told me honestly I could tell him anything, he wouldn't tell my brother or anyone. I was about to tell him that I am gay, that I kissed a girl before,.. but i was scared. I was scared that he wouldnt want to be friends.
I have caught him staring at me and repeatedly almost nervously running his fingers through his hair (like every five seconds), he sends me semi pictures of him topless after showering, he's paid me a drink when we were hanging out in groups even though I said it was fine and that he didn't have to, he insisted..

and now he's asked me to go have a drink with him with a blushing emoji. I am definitely worried he might want it to be a date.. I can't sleep because I don't know what to do. I feel like I've led him on, but I am also having really strong emotions and almost an obsession with him.
I said yes, why not. I didn't even tell him that I am gay. I would love to Hang out with him ( he also has a lot of female friends) but I am scared. I'll have to tell him.

On the other hand I'm fearing that my admiration for him is attraction. I wouldn't want to kiss him (or any boy for that matter) or something.. but I have noticed that I am acting a lot like as if I had a crush on him.
I've talked to a friend about him and the last time we hang out and she said, that if she didn't know that I wasn't into boys she would have thought that I was into him ..
Now what if I am?
I am repulsed by the thoughts of being with a boy but I still can't shake the feeling of wanting to be extra pretty when he sees me, of him thinking of me as cool, cute, funny or sweet.
Yet I am so afraid that he might have developed feelings or at least be interested in me.. I feel like staying in my bed and hiding there.

After I said why not he responded that I should just text him whenever I wanted to go.. he's a really sweet guy, someone whom I felt somehow protective of. I really don't want to do anything to upset him and I know that waiting until he says he's interested to tell him that I'm gay would be mean. I don't feel like coming out to anyone anymore though.
I definitely don't want to risk anyone of my family finding out - especially not my brother - because I am afraid. I know they wouldn't kick me out but I'd have to listen to some shit and wait for them to cope while I still live with them. My brother would probably be more shocked - he's religious and although not agains gay people he's also not a fan of gay marriage. I couldn't handle this emotional distress during my final year of school before going to college and moving away.
I have to concentrate on school and my finals I don't have the emotional power to deal with all that at the same time.
And I am worried that he might let something slip when drunk or not paying attention or deliberately saying something to my brother or to my brother's other friends who I am also friends with.

Well the question is now what should I do.
How can I stay friends with him? And is he really trying to go on a date or am I over thinking this? How can I not out myself to him and not hurt his feelings or anything while hanging out with him?
But can I be sure that I don't feel attraction for him? (Actually yes I think I am pretty sure that I wouldn't want anything romantic from him)
How can I not make things weird? If I ask my brother and his other friends to join us for a drink ..
Or should I just confront him about it?
Like what does he want, etc?

Ahhhhh I'm feeling really exhausted and overwhelmed.

I apologise if I am not very comprehensive and for the long text but a big sincere thank you to anyone who bothered to read and an even bigger one to anyone who can offer advice on any of my questions at the end or anyone who wants to comment on this.

Thank you in advance,

Thea

 

Thanks for the advice!
However, I don't think I am in love with him.. he's just one if the cool guys and has a pretty incredible personality. I don't think I would feel comfortable eg.: holding his hand.
But you are right, I should tell him as soon as possible before things get complicated^^

Thanks again

 

Thank you so much that was very helpful!

I am not sure however about the nature of my feelings for him. I have no clue if I feel romantically attracted to him.. and i font know how to tell. The last time I feel for someone, it took me a lot of time to realise.
I think I will try your proposal and tell him that I'm not looking for a relationship.. thanks again !
He has a lot of female friends and his best friend is a girl as well so I'm hoping that I can be someone like them in his eyes^^

I would really like to get back to your offer about talking further

 

I definitely value him a lot and I know for sure I couldn't kiss him or anything else. Today he sent me a topless picture and I was like "boy noooo". It's not that he's bad looking it's just not attractive to me and feeling like a boy is attracted to me makes me cringe. At the same time I also sort of want him to like me.. but not him specifically more like everyone.

Thanks for your advice, it is very much appreciated!

 

Hi,

Thanks for your advice!
I honestly am having a hard time telling romantic feelings from platonic ones apart.. however like you said honesty is the key.. or at least part of it.

 

Hi,

Well I think you've got a point. I have been trying really hard to be liked.. I should probably consider that.
Thanks for the advice!

 

Hi,

I know that I don't feel sexually attracted by him at all, I can tell that he's pretty (I would rather describe him as cute).
I can't imagine being in a relationship with him, it's not something I would want... I think i want to be part of his group of friends alongside my brother. Actually he's already invited me to "hang on to" their group when my friends can't make it.
I'm still having difficulties feeling the differences between romantic and platonic feelings.

Thank you for your advice it was really helpful! I feel sorry for hurting him he's just too kind and caring. Situations like these really make me wish I had less trouble with coming out.
Thanks again for your concern, I really would like to get back on your offer to talk someday.

 

Thanks for your helpful comment!
Yes you are right.. compulsory heterosexuality seems to play a significant part in my case.. I am experiencing the same things you described: the idea of my ideal self is being straight - because being different is something that is very hard for me. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to "erase" my own coming out and its consequences.
I will definitely try repicturing him as a friend - thank you for you advice!

 

Hi,

I am sorry to hear that you struggled for so long with that. I honestly can't tell how accepting I am of myself at this point. Unfortunately it feels like I am aware of the fact that I am gay but not really ready to acknowledge it and thus I am handling it the way I handle every problem: ignoring it and hoping it goes away^^
I'd hate to hurt him and I really hope it's not too late to tell him something like me not wanting a relationship because of school or something.

Thank you again for your advice it was really helpful!

 

Yeah you are right!
It's just sometimes where I feel like I am acting "like his girlfriend" towards him or like someone who is crushing on him and that's what's been confusing me I guess..
But like you said I should just let him know that I am not interested in anything romantic right away ^^

Thanks for the advice again !