I'm sorry about this, I really am. I feel like I post too much as it is about nothing, but work wasn't great today so I'm going to moan. I think having one thing going well in life makes everything else manageable, but at the moment it feels like nothing's going great. I'll be fine tomorrow, I'm just fed up. Whilst questioning was frustrating and full of circles, it also gave me a sense excitement about the future, particularly as I became aware that I was making some progress in understanding myself. Now I've got nowhere to go but to make a decision, and in some ways that feels worse. Neither option feels particularly appealing; turning my family's life upside or keeping myself in this situation of unfulfillment and unhappiness. I know I'm focusing on the negatives, but I'm clearly that sort of person, which I never really thought I was. At times I think that this can only really end one way, and that I haven't really got a choice. My current situation isn't sustainable. But then I think can I actually do that, break up my family, etc., and I do really have a choice. And I just don't think that I can do it. I just can't imagine myself doing that. I really want to get to a place where I have a realistic picture of what telling my partner will result in, and to be OK with that as a likely outcome. But, all I can see is really bad outcomes. Maybe I need to accept that whatever I do, it's not going to be great.
First off, don't apologise for posting. I see so many parallels to your situation and the way you're feeling despite our gender difference. It brings great comfort reading your posts, as I'm sure it does everyone else. It's so good to relate and feel like we're not alone, so don't stop!
Secondly, your post could have been written by myself in some ways. I completely understand how you feel, the two options, neither particularly appealing. I feel so trapped, and want to leave but at the same time terrified if i do leave, I've got this all wrong. I hope you find some peace soon. It gets tiresome at times wrestling these feelings.
Don’t worry about posting too much, you post away. Don’t think I can really help though as I’m not in this situation. I guess you are at a crossroads and you now need to decide which route to take. I’ll send you some hugs. Hopefully silverhalo will pop along as she always says the right thing haha
Thanks @Aenima1997 and @Lia444 It's not so much the number of posts, more the negativity that I worry about. I hope you find peace too, @Aenima1997 . I'm just feeling that I've never really felt this sense of unhappiness and hopelessness before. I don't feel that I've ever felt complete. I've always felt a bit one dimensional, but I always figured it would all come together when I left home and started my own life. But it hasn't. I can remember the first holiday my partner and I went on. It was great, mainly because I could do what I wanted, rather than following parents, friends, etc. around. It's frustrating that I'm nearly 30 and still not feeling that I'm making all the decisions, doing things my way, etc. I some ways I feel like I'm living at home, under somebody else's rules. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm thinking too much.
Hi there! Posting is good. It can be a good outlet for your thoughts, anxiety and fears. Writing down what's going through your mind can also lead you to think about things that might not have been obvious before. Whenever you feel like needing to write things out, go for it. You have overcome a hard part already - and it is worth keeping that in mind as you continue trying to live your life, as you. Admitting to yourself that you are questioning, and starting to understand yourself are already pretty big steps. Unfortunately, these steps come with the unknowns, and they do raise more questions (at first). As cliche as it sounds, however over time, things will fall into place, and tend to work out. There is certainly work on your part involved, but know that you don't have to go through it on your own. I would encourage you to seek out the support that you need, and to start looking into supports that can start helping you towards building the courage to continue understanding yourself, and eventually let your family know. It is certainly not easy to turn your family life upside down, and to speak with everyone. But if you take it step by step and work on the things you know you can start working on, it will make things easier. Take it one day at a time, and one step at a time. If you ask yourself, what would be the thing you would need right now, what would it be?
Hey I can really only echo what the others have said. Post as much as you like, and if you are feeling negative it is much better to let it out on here than let it manifest itself within you and make everything worse. Bad days at work when you have other things going on in your life are the worst. It sounds perhaps let your are just coping with your day to day life (maybe that's a bit unfair) and work has almost been an escape for you and then now when that escape has been bad and negative you almost feel like everything is caving in. When questioning you were much more in your imagination, you were thinking and dreaming of what could be, what it could feel like, now you are facing the reality of what reaching and striving for your goals would entail and its a daunting prospect. There is no rush, give yourself time. The thing that caused the bad day at work, is it resolved? Is it likely to pop up again or was it just one of those things where lots of crappy things happened all together? Mirkos question of what is you need right now is a good one.
Thanks for your reply. Yes, sort of resolved. I just feel terrible at what I do sometimes, which is normal as I'm fairly new at it. What I need is to really focus on my work and day-to-day life, and stop thinking about all this stuff.
I relate a lot to what you said, @LostInDaydreams. You sound exactly like me a month or two back. I too hit a point of just being incredibly tired and frustrated in limbo. You can’t stay there forever. Some sort of action is likely needed or at least you will have to find peace with your current situation. As for the job, I relate to this. It is so scary to be unhappy in your job while going through this, especially with the possibility of having to support yourself doing something you aren’t feeling great about. Maybe for now put that to the side and address the job after addressing yourself first. Try so hard to not catasteiphize and overthink. I am most depressed when I think of everything at once. When I am depressed I can’t make good, clear decisions. Focus on what needs the most decision right now, and take things in little bits at a time. I agree that at first I focused on all the excitement of the possibility of living a lesbian life, but when I faced the reality, there were so many scary pieces that made everything seem impossible. I trust there is still beauty in the other side and it will all be worth it, but there are some serious obstacles and trenches on the way. Hang in there. You can get through this.
Thanks @Searching1 I appreciate your input. It's good to know somebody can relate. To be honest, I really enjoy my job. My place of work is very accepting of LGBT, which is great, but does make me more aware of being in the closet. A colleague recently split from her partner (not sexuality related), but they've been supportive and helpful, which is good to know.
Maybe but we are not always in control of where our mind wanders when it is unsupervised and we can always be supervising it because that is exhausting. Everyone makes mistakes and stuff when they are new, try not to be too hard on yourself. I'm glad at least for the moment everything is better.
I am going to second @Searching1. I was in a very similar situation a few months ago and I know how hard it is to feel like no matter what path you take the pain will be too much to bear. Looking back now, I think that feeling of uncertainty and constant inner struggle was worse than the pain that came with facing my new reality. There are still days when it is incredibly hard, but now there are moments when I am able to see joy in myself again for the first time in a long time. And that feeling of peace is something I wish for everyone. Don't be afraid to post on here whenever you need to and don't be afraid to reach out to any of us. This place has become my greatest support system and I hope we can offer you the same.
YES to all of this! The indecision and limbo is definitely the most painful. It is a relief to be able to finally focus on moving forward.
