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Coming out not my priority..

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Orchidea123, Nov 13, 2017.

  1. Orchidea123

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    Am I missing something? About 2.5 years ago, for the first time ever, I realized my romantic attraction to her.

    So here I am now, still strong feelings, and by now, pretty comfortable with who I am but suffering..
    We are talking, and she helps me out, which I absolutely love. Its been a slow process since my unsuccessful confession a while back which damaged our communication big time.
    The whole recovery process has been painful.

    I actually don't know for sure how to label myself.
    But, what I don't have a need for is to 'come out'. It's not in my plans for some reason..
    Maybe this need is muted by this huge secret I carry every day - my feelings for her.

    Or maybe it is muted by my hetero marriage, responsibility for kids, and husband.
    I told my husband couple years ago about being attracted to her and it went terrible.

    I can't say I am 'in the closet'. Instead it is more of being 'secretly in love'.

    Have any of you felt similar? Or, has Coming Out been your ultimate thing to do?
     
    #1 Orchidea123, Nov 13, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2017
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    This is an interesting question.

    For most of the time that I've been questioning, I've never had any desire to come out for its own sake or really considered myself as being in the closet. Whenever I thought about telling anyone, it centred around a woman that I had a crush on. So, in that sense I can sort of relate to what you've said.

    For me, it's only been very recently that I've been thinking about coming out in its own right. I think I've become more aware of the little things I say and do everyday that might be slightly different if I were out. I'm also more aware that I am in the closet and restrictions that places on me, but I don't know what in particular has made me more conscious of this. At times I feel really stifled and suffocated, which I wasn't aware of until recently.

    It depends what you mean by coming out too. Even if I do get there, I won't be telling most people unless it comes up. I won't be making unnecessary announcements to everyone I know. It's more that I could be honest and tell people if I wanted to.
     
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  3. silverhalo

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    I don't think it was ever my priority as such more of a side effect. I guess the first couple of people I told, I came out to because I felt as though I had to tell someone IKEA I couldn't hold it in any longer. Then maybe a couple more people from another group of friends. The rest have mainly been a side effect of having a girlfriend. Once I had a girlfriend then unless you want to keep that part of your life a secret coming out is inevitable in circumstances where you chat to people. I never made a big announcement or anything it just kind of happened. When I was first coming out though it often happened in waves, like I'd come out to a few people thenobody for ages, then a few more people.
    I can see if you are married to a man with kids that completely changes the situation then.
     
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  4. junebug99

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    I am in no hurry either. Being married complicates things. No kids involved though.
     
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  5. Mabel

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    I think it’s really where people are at. It sounds like you have a lot to consider, and with kids you kind of need a plan. Just a general idea of the changes you want to make in your life, because that will be their biggest concern. For me the trigger to want to come out was when I realized that I was gay and that in the long term being in a hetero marriage was not going to work. Also i realized that feeling invisible was just becoming to hurtful to me. My husbands quality of life also mattered to me. Even though we are very close friends he deserves the chance at a full relationship, with all aspects present, and so do I. I feel better now my kids are going to know, them not knowing such a substantial part of me was overwhelming and was affecting how wholly I was parenting. Now I feel I can concentrate on being a mom in a more holistic authentic way. I’m not as distracted from that, because I made my decision to come out. It’s all still in process, and really close friends and family are the ones that we will tell, I’m sure things will disseminate. Once I feel my daughters are comfortable with all this new information ...the others will get told. I’m not a “in the spotlight” kind of person. I want to be seen for who I am and live authentically, it’s better for me as a person. It will be discreet and as necessary, mostly so the kids don’t catch people off guard and so people can act appropriately when dealing with them and sensitive to their new normal in how our family has changed.

    It’s so individual and I went through so many ups and downs to get here. Coming out was not always my plans, I just kept working through my stuff until it became obvious that what was needed in my life and in the lives of the people I loved.

    I don’t think you should feel pressured and you should just work from a place within. You have to be ready on your own terms because if you weren’t , that wouldn’t be healthy either. Everyone should go at their own pace, be honest with themselves in their journey. What you want now may change and that’s ok...
     
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  6. justaguyinsf

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    I agree with you OP in that coming out for solely to broadcast your sexuality is not a priority for me. It mad some political sense in the 70's and in the midst of the AIDS crisis but now it seems a bit old-fashioned to me. I like the "need to know" approach, so, for example, I would come out to those close to me if I were in a serious relationship with another man. Of course others have a different approach and more power to them!
     
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  7. Markieg64

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    Hi I am 53 and still married to my wife of 30yrs I admitted to myself 2yrs ago I think about coming out all the time at the moment but not ready to come out to wife and girls yet I don' know if the reason for telling them is because my eldest daughter is having our first grandchild in March which I want to be apart of and in August she is getting married and I want to give her away and I don' know how they will take it or just because I'm don' want to .

    I think if I really feel like I want to tell some one I might tell a friend first see how he would take it
    I have had a wait lifted of my shoulders just by typing my thoughts on here over a couple of days
     
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  8. BiBiBaybee

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    I'm out to my girlfriend of 5 years and my ex-wife, but not to anyone else. I do not see it as being important to me at this time. If anything, it may burden other people, especially relatives, and it will not have any positive effect on my relationships with them. At work, I don't care as much, as they are very accepting, but still, there is not a compelling reason to disclose just to do ti.
     
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  9. zumbaqueen

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    I can relate. I started out with a crush on my best friend probably close to 3 years ago. It took me a while to realize why I always wanted to be around her, wanted to help her, wanted to talk to her. I realized that I was in love with her when she canceled our plans to spend the day together at the last minute. I became very upset with her for canceling on me even though she really couldn’t help it. As I thought about why I was upset, why I tried to find reasons to be around her and help her I knew I had fallen for her. Then I distanced myself from her and that almost ended our friendship because she didn’t understand what was going on and how we went from spending so much time together and talking to nothing. I finally told her I was gay (but not that I was attracted to her-in fact I went to great lengths to make sure she didn’t think I was). I am also married and have a child. I told my husband that I am gay, and that has not gone well for me either. I do feel a sense of obligation to them, but everyday I find the sense of obligation I have to myself is growing stronger. Although I do not feel it is necessary to broadcast to everyone what my sexuality is, I am becoming more comfortable with who I am. But I do hold back telling people because of something she told me. She told me that her mom and husband wouldn’t be surprised if I told them I was gay because they had been telling her for a year that they thought I was attracted to her. She told me she never felt that I was and told them they were being ridiculous. So now one of my biggest fears is that if people find out I’m gay it will also affirm to them that I am attracted to her and she will find out too.

    I do wonder if you are experiencing something similar to me. You are holding in this secret that you are attracted to this woman. Is it perhaps you don’t want to come out to others because then she will know your feelings for her?
     
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  10. Moonsparkle

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    I don't necessarily think you are missing anything re:coming out. I can relate to this too. (I'm divorced with no children though.) For me, telling people or making a big announcement is not a plan I have either. But I really feel this is more around the fact that in general I am more of a low profile person. It's just not my personality to make announcements (around anything) on social media for example. For some people though I appreciate this is part of the process. That said, I have told the people close to me that I am gay, and telling my 'tribe' has been a positive thing for sure. And if other people find out, I don't care, I just don't feel the need to come out in a big way.

    I love the quote, 'Be Fearlessly Authentic'. And I like to interpret this as being authentic as meaning whatever feels right deep in your soul for the time you are at. There is no right or wrong way to be authentic. And I think for all of us there is room for what is authentic for us to change over time. Life experience, unexpected twists and turns--it all helps us to evolve, can change our perspectives etc. (Not that we want every twist and turn that's thrown our way! :thinking:)

    As a side note I am happy that you are talking with 'her' now and that she can be helpful to you. I understand that this all must of have been quite painful, but glad to know there are steps in the direction of recovery now. Tough stuff for sure. Take Care.
     
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  11. silverhalo

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    I am out to everyone. Getting a girlfriend certainly sped up the process but it doesn't have to be by way of huge announcement and it certainly isn't the first thing I tell people when I meet them I just wait for it to come up naturally.
    It's fine not to tell people but I guess you have To be sure why you are not telling them.
     
  12. Orchidea123

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    Thanks for all who replied - I actually did not think coming out was not necessarily priority, as there are so many threads on wanting to do just that.
     
  13. Orchidea123

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    Your story and experience is different in some ways, and at the same time I see so many similarities intertwined.
    I can see how you were upset for her canceling - it went through your heart.

    The rest of your text brought tears to my eyes.. Sense of obligation - you are spot on.

    Obligation to spouse and kids, then obligation to myself growing stronger every day..
    And the two don't seem to go together for me anymore.

    Yes, I do hold a big secret. I don't know if anyone suspects.. After all, it's been 2 years since the fallout.
    My Husb not asking a thing, even when I seem distant, retreating, or moody.
    How would he not notice I'm in my own world a lot? Its a puzzle to me.

    I don't know what she thinks now, honestly.
    We are communicating but carefully.
    It's like there is this invisible wall between us - anything coming close to it, is too much.
    She talks but is not opening up, and I am unable to be genuine with her.
    This is by far the strangest relationship (if you can call it) that i've had with anyone plutonic/romantic doesn't matter.

    I think it is her who initiates the distance.
    It is very confusing. I seriously doubt she suspects I am still into her. What are the chances of me loving her 2 years after confession, when there was no dating/any romantic relationship to begin with?

    So, I seriously doubt anyone suspects any of my feelings.
    I do feel more often nowadays that I need to leave my marriage soon, because of me, and these feelings.

    Would I be concerned about being out?
    I think husb will take care of it. The moment I say to separate - he will tell the family.
    In the past he was quick to find my weak spot and make it known.
    So I don't think he's forgotten I may not be straight.
    I don't see how I can change that. I love myself and it won't matter how anyone reacts, except of course for kids.

    To answer your question finally - I doubt she will suspect that I still have a thing for her.
    If hypothetically speaking she feels same and opens up, I won't be ashamed/concerned to come out. I am pretty sure how I feel about her.
     
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  14. Orchidea123

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    You are right - being authentic is necessary. It us so difficult to be authentic though.. Just waiting for the twist and turn to be forced into my authenticity lol!

    Being unauthentic in marriage, unauthentic with her, and others. She is just helping randomly, talking, but is not there, and is distant. I am watching every word I say because if it is genuine - i am saying/doing too much..
     
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  15. zumbaqueen

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    I would suspect your husband is in a bit of denial and also thinking that if you don’t bring it up he’s not going to either. I am the same with my husband, withdrawn, quiet, moody.....all because I don’t want to be here anymore. He never says a word to me about it, I think he knows how unhappy I am. And I too think that if I do leave he will let everyone know it’s because I am gay, then there will be no fault in the failure of our marriage for him. But I can tell you one thing, for the first time in my life I’m not confused anymore. I know I am attracted to women, I just don’t know how to leave this marriage.
     
    #15 zumbaqueen, Nov 24, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2017
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  16. silverhalo

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    This is such a great statement, such a milestone :slight_smile:
     
  17. Orchidea123

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    Zumbaqueen, you are speaking my words (or thoughts). I truly hope you figure this one out.. Any tips you come up with - please let me know.

    I work under pressure, so my plan is to wait till life throws me an ultimatum:wink:

    Interesting thing is, I act upon my own decisions. But i am fooling myself.
    There is a catch - my decisions are influenced by external factors more than my internal..
     
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  18. Orchidea123

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    You are always so encouraging!
     
  19. Baby K

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    To answer the question about not coming being a priority I think that is perfectly fine. I think what you really need to focus on is the relationships you have going on and getting them in order before coming out with whatever it is becomes reality. You have a marriage, husband, kids, and a female who you love all in this mix. You have to get all the dynamics of all of that somehow on the same page. The kids according to what age they are are going to to be the most difficult to do in my opinion especially if they are young. You have to get your husband, female love, and yourself on the same page to work out a solution that is going to work for everyone and especially for the kids involved. It sounds like you want to be with the female that you love and since you do love her I think that is the right move. I can't even begin to give you solutions on how to settle all of this because I have never been through anything close to this, but the only simple advice I can give to you and it may be difficult is to set some time for you, your husband, and female love to talk. There has to be some sort of communication between all of you.
     
  20. silverhalo

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    Everyone needs at least one cheerleader :slight_smile: