Lately I’ve been questioning my sexuality/orientation and I guess I’m looking for advice/confirmation. I’m in my early 20s and have a young child, which is why I’m posting here in case anyone has a similar experience with coming to terms with their sexuality/orientation and being parents as well. Please bear with me as this is likely going to be long and sort of all over the place... When I was a young child I was molested and eventually raped by a male family friend and I repressed a lot of things in relation to that for a number of years until the dam finally burst and everything came to light. Around that same time I came out as bisexual, a lot of people at the time told me it was just a phase and other common tripe in regards to bisexuality. The majority of my relationships have been with men, and I attempted a few same sex ones but the other party always realized they were full on straight after a few weeks. Dating and being in romantic relationships have always felt empty, like I was missing some key element. I had issues with alcohol as a teenager and most of my relationships were built off partying - which I’m almost positive was a form of repressing things further. Once I found out I was pregnant I did a complete 180 on my life and sobriety has given me a lot of time to be retrospective. I feel like I’ve been repressing my sexuality for years; I’m able to look back and see the many similarities and characteristics between my ex boyfriends and my rapist. I was probably unknowingly reliving my trauma through them as I never felt an emotional connection or anything towards them. I’m finding that I'm not attracted to men in the same way I am to women; with men I enjoy the way they look aesthetically and that’s pretty much it. With women it’s a completely different type of appreciation... I’ll notice the way the light plays in their hair, the way they move and talk, how their eyes spark when they’re speaking about something they’re passionate about... being around a woman I find beautiful gives me that tingly, butterfly sensation that lots of people typically relate to feeling when they have a crush on someone (I always thought I wanted to be her friend SO damn hard aha). I run circles in my head with the “I’m straight! I’m gay! I’m bi!” thought process over and over and over and over again. I’m scared to death about coming out and then realizing later “oops, that’s not me ha-ha sorry guys!” or how my friends and family would react. I just don’t know what to do, or who I am, or what I’m even doing anymore. Thanks
Hi Gummikiwi! Welcome to EC. I think you’ll find a lot of folks in a similar place who are questioning their sexuality and dealing with how to move forward while balancing obligations like parenthood. Hopefully some other folks will share their experiences. There’s a bunch of threads if you go back a bit too. I can totally relate to finally realizing that straight relationships aren’t fulfilling for you. I wish I had figured it out earlier myself. When my epiphany moment finally came 6 months ago, it flipped my entire life upside down. I’ve spent the past 6 months really coming to terms with my sexuality, a previous assault, my marriage, and the eventuality of divorce and being a single parent. It’s quite the roller coaster for sure. Do you have some supportive people in your life you can confide in? LGBT trained therapists can be very helpful too. Are you in a position to join some LGBT groups or meet ups to join the local community?
Thank you for the welcome, leb10! I have a support group and don’t really expect any backlash if I came out to my family but that anxiety is still there. The small town I live in has very little LGBTQ+ resources (at least I haven’t found any) and it’s very much a “don’t ask, don’t tell” community still, unfortunately It’s really nice to have somewhere I can fully express myself without having someone try to correct me or shut me down. Was your epiphany like a sudden “aha!” moment or was it more like a bunch of little things that slowly unfolded? Cuz I feel like I just got smacked in the face with mine lol
inerary completely understand that anxiety. I'm glad you have support as well. For me, it was a total face smack as well. I saw two women holding hands and I thought to myself, "that's what I want! ... Oh my god, I'm gay." I then went down a rabbit hole where I realized how not straight I was and how many signs there had been including probably being in love with a friend in college. It's amazing how painful this level of self discovery is at thirty. I told my husband after wrestling with the weight of my new self knowledge for almost three months. I was in such an incredibly bad place. It's been a difficult journey but when you know it's true, you find strength to keep moving.
Hey I don't have a child but I did only figure out my sexuality in my mid 20's despite never really being interested in guys. It can be an absolute shocker when you first start trying to process everything and figure stuff out but EC is a pen amazing place and there are many people here with similar stories and even those that are different that can help us along in our own journey. You are definitely not alone.
