I don't love my boyfriend because i realized i'm gay

If you're not sure about whether to end it or not, it's ok to give things more time. However, you sound pretty sure that you don't want to be with him. The fact that he says things like "you won't leave me right?" means he probably senses your ambivalence and that makes him feel insecure.

The longer you wait to end things, the harder it becomes to do it. Just remember that you're not doing him or yourself any favors if you stay in it when you know you don't want to be. But again, if you're unsure it's ok to wait and see what happens.

 

bunbot - I hate to say this, but, much as with a Band-Aid, the longer you take to end things, the more it's likely to hurt - for both of you. As mlansing noted, you seem pretty firm about the fact that you're just not interested in him that way. When your feelings are that strong, the other person can usually tell. It's likely that, indeed, your boyfriend is asking these things about how you won't leave him because, in his heart, he can tell you aren't happy and knows that you probably will. He's afraid and you're unhappy. My advice to you is to leave now, before things get worse.

I don't know your therapist, but to be honest, she sounds like an old-fashioned person along the lines of my father. I'm guessing she isn't gay, and here's the thing: people who aren't gay often don't grasp just how impossible it is for us to love people who aren't of the same gender (even though it's usually easy for them to see how they couldn't possibly make things work out with someone who isn't of the opposite gender for themselves!). My dad said the same thing about me when I had an opportunity to get serious with a guy who liked me: wait, and see where things go. Obviously the right thing to do was for me to tell him, politely but firmly, that I just didn't see him like that, and that a relationship with him would never have worked out. My dad, however, had other plans for me. He hoped, I am sure, that if I just "saw where things went," I'd come around eventually, "turn straight," and settle down with a nice, boring young man who could be my husband and make a proper heteronormative family with me one day. That isn't how things work, and I'm glad I didn't do as he told me to do.

Your situation is clearly a bit trickier, since you're already in a relationship with him. However, if you are honest, and simply tell him that you don't think your relationship is working and that you're just not attracted to him, he'll understand; if he doesn't, and reacts badly instead, he's got issues, and you should run while you still can. There's no need to tell him it's because you're gay, though you can if you want; you've certainly got every right to. I am worried, however, of the repercussions that may occur if you come out to someone who may already be feeling hurt, and thus vengeful, over you breaking up with him. As much as I wish this weren't true, many people would tell on you being gay if they had a chance in this situation; depending on how out you are, and how supportive the people around you would be if they, too, knew about your sexual orientation, this could be a disaster for you, which you don't deserve at all. You said you live in a small town; this makes that possibility ESPECIALLY dangerous. Prioritize your own safety first, above all else. I know you want to be kind to him and that the thought of breaking his heart likely breaks YOUR heart, and let me tell you, you're a very noble person for thinking of this, but sometimes your health, mental and physical, is more important.

The gist? Your lack of attraction for him is just going to balloon into something bigger and much worse if you aren't honest with him now. My advice is to tell him and break things off as soon as possible, when you feel that it's safe to do so. If he takes it well, you could be friends a while after. However, I wouldn't bet on this. Focus on ending things for now, and take care of yourself. Good luck.

 

If you've been as clear with your therapist as with us, that sound like an advice given by a non lgbt-friendly therapist. If you feel like you told us, nobody should tell you to stay...

 

I was going to say all the things that Miri said. So just consider them doubled.