Do you find it difficult to make friends with other lesbians?

I honestly just find it hard to get along with other lesbians at all. Most of them are super clique-ish and try to force other lesbians in a box. I prefer friendships with straight and asexual women. I only look for other lesbians for dating purposes now (unless we just happen to click as friends).

 

I'm curious about this. I've never been involved in the LGBTQI or lesbian community and I really have no reference point. Do you mind clarifying for me please?

I've heard some bad things about the lesbian community in my city, but that's from someone who is straight so I don't know know how much of what she says is skewed by her own bias and perception as an outsider looking in.

Edit: as for the original question, I guess the playing field is much smaller than for heterosexuals. so it might help to explain why lesbians connecting with other lesbian are looking for something more than friendship. If they wanted only friendship that's likely something they can already get with their heterosexual friends I guess.

 

Thinking of going back to team sports, make a lot of friends there.

 

Here is the problem I have had with lesbian friends:

First, most of the lesbians I know have ONLY wanted to talk about their sexuality. They were obsessed with it. I am not saying that I avoid the subject, in fact I do talk about LGBT issues with my pro-LGBT straight friends that I have right now. It's just that the lesbian friends were so focused on it that it dominated every conversation, ever. If I asked them about school/work, they changed the subject matter to lesbianism. If I wanted to talk about video games or pets, it went back to lesbianism. The only questions they asked me were about being gay. I might be gay, but it doesn't define my whole life or character, so it feels just as irritating as when straight people define me that way. I also get annoyed when my straight friends constantly talk about being straight (hot guys, sex life, etc) so it's no double standard.

Second, their obsession with being gay has also lead to gatekeeping in my friendships. If I liked a male character in fiction, they start questioning my sexuality (even though I don't like him in a romantic or sexual way??). If I ship a fictional straight couple, which I do plenty of, they start questioning my sexuality. If I enjoy a video game that happens to have fanservice in it, they accuse me of only playing the game because I am some sort of pervert (actually, I have a low sex drive and like these games for unrelated reasons). Here on EC and offline, I have also been accused of not being gay because I do not get sexually excited over seeing a random pair of breasts. It is annoying.

Also, I don't relate to most lesbian's problems. I was never closeted (My Mom figured it out when I was 12, asked me, and I just said "yup"). I also never questioned my sexuality- I knew I liked girls my entire life, even since childhood. I don't hate anyone who has had a harder time figuring this out, but a lot of lesbians assume I have went through the same thing and will put me on a pedestal since they assume gay = same exact life experiences. I don't have the same experiences and I don't know what it's like to be in their shoes. I understand someone may want understanding, but you can't assume every gay person understands, and you can't base the whole friendship off that kind of thing.

ALSO, I'm not saying every lesbian thinks like this. Obviously I do not. It has just be consistent with my experience.

So TL;DR: I feel like my sexuality is put on a pedestal and defines my entire friendship with lesbians. I prefer friendships with accepting straight women because they view me as a person first and a lesbian second.

 

Wow.. I don't think i've met anyone who was all about the gay lol. I think the Rock is awesome, doesnt mean I want to sleep with the dude.

I find i'm more relaxed when in gay company, but chat doesn't revolve around it - that would be really dull.

 

I would love your friends.

I'm definitely not saying that all gay people do this, though sadly one of my best friends in the past had done all of it. I had to drop the friendship since it was getting toxic. :/ I kind of wish I knew gay women who were less clique-y. Right now my best friend is an aro ace, and that has been most comfortable for me. There is some understanding of being outside the norm, but we don't really talk about stuff like that 24/7 either.

 

I met most of my friends playing football(soccer). I'm not that fussy about the game but the people are fun.The others I met when I moved in to flatshare / or met online.

Mainly we go out and do stuff together (sphering got my friend concussion lol - they don't tell you the ball deflates..) and we have games nights, playing quelf / cards against humanity etc.

I do find at bars people can be quite annoying - for example, if the bouncers dont think you look gay enough they id you and start pulling 'regulars only' rubbish.

 

Thanks for your response creative mind. Sounds similar to what I've even told about the community where I live, but also apparently throw in lots of man hating. I don't hate men, there are plenty of good men around who are decent and kind and I would struggle to be around people who condemn or belittle others based purely on their gender or sexuality. On that topic, ive also been told that bisexuals are also frequently looked down upon, considered promiscuous or maligned because they aren't purely gay. I'm not sure how true that is or not though.

Oh well. I find that meeting people, gay or straight, is best done through shared interests, like sports, games, online communities, hobbies. I've never been into the pub,club,dating scene and have met all my partners and friends through common hobbies or interests ☺️

I also enjoy meeting people online first (not through dating sites though) because often the idea of being somewhat anonymous means they are more likely to act and say how they truely feel. In my experience people are more honest online. They let their inner demons shine through more because they feel safe doing so. Whereas in real life it can be harder to read people because they are often hiding behind various masks that they wear to impress others or hide their true feelings out of fear of being judged or rejected.

 

Yeah, I don't like the man hating part either. I happen to like men, just not in a sexual way. They make great friends and family so I cannot stand seeing them bashed for no reason. Though to be fair, many straight women also are man haters. Gets old on either side. I have noticed there is a war between lesbians and bisexuals. I see lesbians say awful things about bi people, and bi people sometimes say awful things about gay people. It's pretty gross to me.

 

sounds strange and the opposite of what I would have expected from a community of people who are often maligned for who they are by others. I would have thought the reverse would be the case, where they would be more understanding and tolerant of our differences especially in relation to gender and sexual identity. It's like the victim becoming the perpetrator of the same poor behavior that is/was inflicted upon them. Makes no sense to me.

 

I have 6 or so lesbian friends and do not think any of them are clique-y or obsessed with talking about gayness or relationships. Two of them are friends from work, so we always gravitate towards work talk. Another two are married with kids, so the kids are usually the center of attention. Yet the other two are older and from a time where being lesbian was much less accepted than it is now, even in our country area. They hardly ever talk about being gay.
I'm sorry that some of you are experiencing a less-than-open community, especially at a time when you could use the support the most. I guess all we can do is try to be open ourselves, and not perpetuate the negative scene that's out there.

 

It could be that people with bad experiences were also specifically searching out lesbians to be friends with....and those in LGBT groups specifically focus on the topic. The most annoying lesbian friends I had came from lesbian groups.

It probably feels more natural if you're looking for friends in general and they just happen to be gay. I try to do that with friendships nowadays, but I still end up with straight friends because they are the majority of people you meet in the world.

I agree, I find relationship talk boring in general. It may be because I don't really have much experience. I wouldn't say I have no experience with it, but most of my relationships have been LDR's where I didn't meet the person, or casual dates that never became official. Either way, it's not really something I can share with enthusiasm, so I just get bored after a while.